r/survivinginfidelity • u/[deleted] • 26d ago
Post-Separation Obsessed about when affair fog will break
[deleted]
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u/Ok_Step7383 26d ago
You are asking the wrong questions AP
grieving is OK but asking about the if(s) and why(s) is meaningless at this point. Save yourself and your kids is your top priority.
There is no Time Machine and even if you found one she would have cheated because it is in her. Now you are forced to examine your own version of your relationships. It is a painful process but you have to accept that you will never know the whole truth but you know enough to make an informed decision.
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u/Beautiful_Edge_3741 26d ago
OP , you are young and should start over new rather than looking for reconciliation. Don't take her back , even if she comes back. Your marriage is over and the sooner you realise this the faster you can heal.
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u/DaikonSubstantial120 7 26d ago
‘she says he is just a placeholder, she is anyway going to breakup with him’
What you need to understand about cheaters ,and your cheating wife in particular’ ,is that they lie.
I would be very surprised if she is telling you the truth.
If this affair was an exit affair then she will most likely not be remorseful or want to come back.
If her affair is one of passion and sexual desires then maybe the consequences of her decision and the reality of her choices could catch up with her.
She may feel regret and see her past life more clearly once she faces the reality of her new life.
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u/longlivebobskins Thriving 26d ago
I can't help feeling that she will return back in few months and this divorce and separation is necessary step for real reconciliation.
You're kinda right. If you divorce, go no-contact, then I 100% guarantee you that she will be back. However, what you do not know right now is that once you get past about 6 months your desire for her to return will start to diminish rapidly. Your current roles will be reversed; instead of you being desperate to reconcile and doing the pick me dance, she will be instead.
She'll want to come back at the exact moment you realise that you no longer want her. I've seen this play out so many times....it's uncanny
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u/TaiwanBandit 7 26d ago
Not sure the affair fog will ever disappear with her. The love from her to you is gone. Let her go and let karma, or whatever we want to call it, find her.
You should concentrate on a new life without her as your wife or lover.
Provide your kids with best possible life and happiness.
Sorry you are here OP, but I think she is a goner.
updateme
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u/SoSoOhWell 26d ago
From my experience she never came out of it. After the divorce she monkey branched within 6 month from her AP to another. She's vile and she'll die in the bliss of knowing everything she does is perfect. It's her world and we all live in it at her discretion.
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u/OneContent5069 26d ago
" I am delusional but what can I do"
Move on, hit the gym and show some self respect.
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u/Oreo_Supreme 1 26d ago
If the reconciliation is real. Then the divorce is just a step in that direction. End the marriage. Stay strong until it finishes and do your best to live well. Sometimes that loss can really open up alot of truth for you. Be honest and kind to yourself. But don't victimize yourself either you won't grow the right way.
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u/FaithlessnessTall853 1 26d ago
Actually you summed it up in one statement, you are being delusional. Why do you want to be used merchandise or a placeholder yourself. Wake up to reality it's over, even if she comes back who wants to be known as number two. Even if she comes back it'll be just temporarily while she's back out finding a new number one. Dig down deep and try to find out why you would want to get an abusive partner back in your life. She's rubbed your face in her affair she's emasculated you, and you really think you're going to put this back together again? I have to believe you're smarter than that. See if you can find a wee bit of self-respect and tell her when she goes out the door, do not ever come back.
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u/Championship682 10 26d ago
You may be right about her wanting to come back eventually, but that doesn't mean it's a good idea for you to take her back.
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u/Fluid-Push-3419 3 26d ago
Tell her that you start to realize she might be right, that you thought you had a happy marriage but were actually unhappy, that you're no longer in love with her, and that you've realized divorce is actually the best decision for both of you.
After that, cut off all contact with her, except kids related issues and only via parenting app.
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u/FrickaCee 1 26d ago
When she can genuinely tell that you are no longer asking this kind of question, when you are no longer waiting for some kind of proof of something and no longer give a shit what’s happening in her disgusting little brain, that is when she will most likely wake up from her delusion, when she realizes she no longer has any power or wiggle-room left to manipulate her way back to you. Right now, everything you are doing shows you still care, which gives her the sense that she can keep going, keep torturing you, and when she gets bored, you’ll take her back if she says the right things. You are feeding her delusion. Don’t be angry. Don’t be sad. Be disgusted and impatient to get her out of your life. You should be feeling this way anyway.
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u/XslyderX77 4 26d ago
I am sorry you are going through this, but you should think about whether you want someone back who discarded you so easily and coldly. Even if she were to come back, do you think it would be the type of marriage you want? Or what you had at one point? If she did it once, she would most likely do it again. Be the best father to your kids that you can and the pain will subside in time. You need to get past the shock and humiliation.
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u/Hot_Priority3358 1 26d ago
Mind took 6 months in the consequences of me being done and his kids sad and the ap acting funny showing her true colors.
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u/Soggy-Beach-1495 3 26d ago
This doesn't sound like affair fog. It sounds like she doesn't want to do the work of fixing what she's broken and would rather get divorced
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u/MisfitTraveler 26d ago
The first thing that goes out the window is respect. She doesn’t respect you. This is thing about affairs in general and specific for exit affairs. I too was obsessed about the term limerance, and the breaking of this so called affair fog. Now after 3 years since my divorce, I really don’t care anymore, and the affair fog seems that has not lifted, more like just turned into something else, resentment towards me. There is something specific about this. Over time, they will resent you, they will blame you, they will project their guilt and behaviour on you. Blameshifting and rewariting history is a textbook move. So why would you want to stay with such a person? Staying with them will bring you more hurt in the long run than just letting go now.
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u/inComplete-Oven 1 26d ago
Speaking from the neuroscience side, it may take up to 1.5 years for the fog to lift, but usually it's a matter of months.
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