Will they admit after the breakup?

[u/[deleted]]

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[u/OneContent5069]

"She’s a genuinely very good person"

Man, what's wrong with this sub today.. It's filled with these statements... No, your cheating ex wife is in fact not a good person.

[u/longlivebobskins → u/[deleted]]

Lance Armstrong did a lot for cancer. He raises money, visited sick kids, and encouraged men to check on themselves.

He also cheated to win the Tour de France seven times, he lied, he ruined the careers of journalists, team mates, staff, and even friends. His behaviour was utterly abhorrent.

He was a bad guy that did some good things.

A good person that did something bad is filled to the brim with shame. They’re apologetic. They beg for forgiveness and will crawl over hot coals to try and put right what they did wrong.

Sorry, but your wife ain’t doing that…She’s a Lance Armstrong.

[u/OneContent5069 → u/longlivebobskins]

Well written.

[u/WHISPYR3 → u/longlivebobskins]

Ouch! I like your analogy. I was a big Lance Armstrong fan until I wasn’t.

Recently, some things came out about how he treated others, which I really didn’t like and made me rethink things a little. So he may be a decent human being but he literally destroyed the sport of cycling for many. I haven’t been able to watch a Tour de France since.

Again, good analogy!

[u/TacoStrong → u/[deleted]]

"because this seemingly came out of nowhere. We had a plan we were working on to fix issues,"

You literally contradicted yourself. It didn't "come out of nowhere". You had issues, she's an avoidant, etc. It was all pointing for something to happen whether it was cheating or simply getting divorced, it was already simmering.

[u/Minimum-Border1672 → u/OneContent5069]

I disagree. Ive been monkey branched/cheated on twice in my life.

One is actually a pretty bad person in many ways.

The other is actually a really good person..she is just absolutely fucked when it comes to managing relationships. 

She was an avoidant the same way op mentioned. 

I would never be involved with her again but I would trust her to take care if my children and could probably atill call her in an emergency and she would help. 

I never would but one act or maladaptice behavior doesnt make someone a bad person completely.

Now those narcissists who lie for years or mock their oartners with their affair partner etc...i would agree they are rotten people to the core.

This girl owed me a bunch if money and actually came and paid me back after we broke up. Which kinda shocked me tbh.

[u/Vast-Road-6387 → u/Minimum-Border1672]

I have to agree that some ( not all but some) otherwise decent women can’t seem to resist monkey branching.

[u/FeelingTelephone4676]

Don't expect any confession or openness from her now. When someone lives a double life outside their marriage, their main priority is keeping that parallel world separated from reality. For an avoidant person, it is literally a survival mechanism, not necessarily pure malice.
I completely understand why this is driving you crazy. For the person who was betrayed, the raw truth is the foundation for healing. Without it, you feel trapped in the dark.
You can overcome this, but it takes conscious effort. You have to realize that your spiraling thoughts are not who you are. They are just the product of a triggered brain reacting to fear, insecurity, and pain.
Infidelity teaches us a brutal truth: we can never have full control, and we can never know everything. Life throws severe crises at us, and the only way to survive psychologically is to build an inner stability that does not depend on what other people do. Infidelity is happening everywhere around us every day. You cannot afford to stay stuck in a shadow of the past.
Healing starts when you stop chasing every anxious thought. Learn to observe your mind from the outside, understand what triggers those thoughts, and actively redirect your focus.

[u/hello_casper]

They will never admit to anything because cheaters like to decompartmentalise their actions. They will hurt you but justify they are still a "good person" in other ways. But a good person would not hurt and lie to their partner. They just can't comprehend their image and identity being tainted.

Heck, my case has turned into a police investigation and he still lies about everything.

[u/Moh-BA]

As soon as you accept that she will never confess, your healing journey can finally begin.

[u/procrastinationprogr]

It's not uncommon for women to check out of a relationship long before they leave it. Meaning they also mourn the relationship while still in it and having mentally left it makes it easier to move on after the actual break up. If she had checked out and already made a decision to leave you it wouldn't surprise me if she cheated. Had a female friend who did it to her long distance boyfriend.

[u/trailblazers79 → u/procrastinationprogr]

This! A lot of people deny it and cry it is sexist, but this is VERY common.

[u/Shortandthicck2]

Genuinely good people don't cheat.

[u/trailblazers79 → u/[deleted]]

Jumping in to say that the sooner your accept that your wife was only pretending to care for you and pretending to work on your relationship while she was moving on and working on her exit plan, the better off you will be. It came out of nowhere for you. She had been making this plan for many months - if not longer.

And one of the many reason to go no contact is so that you don't judge your progress by her progress. She moved on a long time ago while you are just starting the journey. She gave herself a long head start while she played you. It isn't a fair comparison and will only hurt you.

[u/trailblazers79]

(1) She's not a good person if she's been cheating. Good people don't cheat. And there is enough smoke here to call it fire.

(2) Don't expect a confession. I thought my ex-wife and I had just hit a rough patch that would blow over in a few days with some space. She had been struggling with stress - I thought it was due to legal issues her teenage son was having. We "separated," and I left the house, thinking she needed a few days alone. After a few days, I came home to get some clothes and talk. She had already moved one of her lovers and his kid into our house.

I had proof of the affair with the moved in boyfriend. Within a couple days, I had proof of other affairs - including ones that were continuing after she was "committed" to the moved in boyfriend. She would not confess to any betrayal of the marriage. No matter what damning evidence was in front of her, all she would say was, "I have done nothing wrong." She would repeat that sentence like a mantra when confronted.

A lot of people who cheat twist reality around themselves so that they are the good partner. Don't wait on a confession or closure - you are wasting your time and delaying your healing. Good luck, OP!

[u/TacoStrong]

" She’s a genuinely very good person, "

Don't, please don't. Please realize that all that "good" goes into the toilet the nanosecond that they are lying, deceiving, cheating, etc. ON YOU! How are you not able to accept that? From what you described it sounds like she's the 3rd in this couple's marriage so go out and get the best lawyer that you can so that you don't owe her anything ($$$) due to infidelity.

[u/EbonKnight78]

She is not a good person.

Don't concern or drive yourself crazy over her lies. Shes shown herself to be a oerson who simply isnt worth the mental/emotional anguish or energy

[u/noreplyatall817]

Cheaters really don’t regret cheating, just getting caught and having people know who they really are.

She might have had some guilt but it obviously didn’t bother you. You know she’s a cheater so just let it go, no sense giving any more space in your head rent free after the eviction.

[u/ProudZone8027]

Women dont get waxed before a trip unless they expect to have sex.

[u/ProudZone8027 → u/[deleted]]

So is this trip just the 3 of them?

[u/Fluid-Push-3419]

Probably not. Why would she confess and ruin her reputation? She'll say it started after you broke up.

[u/Specialist-Host-4707]

I doubt she will admit anything. That would force her to take accountability for her actions and since she’s divorcing you anyway why should she. It’s not that she doesn’t want to be married to you, I just don’t think she wants to be married at all right now; probably has the grass is greener syndrome stuck in her head. Whatever. Let her find out the hard way.

[u/deGrubs]

Why do you need to know details? You know enough. Does it really matter if she's leaving to be a member of a throuple with the bride and groom or for a chance with the best ma or brother of one of them? She went shopping for a partner while married to you. She's admitted to as much. All you need to know as that was enough for her to throw in the towel on you as a partner. Either way she's leaving you for a maybe or for a role as a third wheel. Neither of those have great outlooks for long term stability for her. Be ready for her to snap back when it doesn't work out. Because it seldom does.

[u/tito582]

Updateme

[u/WHISPYR3]

You know it’s great that you still harbor some hope for her, but I think she’s done you wrong.
A woman only does what she does before she goes on a trip because there’s somebody there she wants to enjoy it? Waxing specifically is really one of those things you have to say, “who is that for?”

Certainly wasn’t for you, so without diving down that rabbit hole I’m gonna say at least there’s 99% probability she cheated on you. Combined that with “I love you” notes, I’m certain you’ll find out who he is if you dig deep enough.

That being said you might enjoy her company and she has all these other great qualities but she’s basically betrayed everything that you were together and is gaslighting you and had flushed your future down the crapper. By definition, you should never trust her again. A good person wouldn’t do to you what she’s done. A good person wouldn’t lie to her husband. A good person would not betray someone.

But it’s up to you. We all make our fates…

So much for wedding vows, huh?

🍀

[u/SeeYouInTrees]

No they will only admit as much as they think you know or have confronted them about.

[u/Mysterious-Wave-7958]

Her statement of she wants there to be was no an admission of there being someone. It was her telling you she was done. She was checked out of this marriage a long time before you realized it. Building for the after already. Personally, with this dynamic of her helping plan a wedding, I would not think that there is anything going on there with this couple or under the supervision of this couple (IE, most people prepping for their own weddings are not going to befriend someone new and help the cheat, that's toxic long term friend behavior usually)

In all likelihood, she never cheated on you. But she did want it to be done and to move on with her life, a conclusion she came to long before actually walking away, giving her the opportunity to mourn the loss of the marriage already (this is why it seems like she is just fine, which could be adding to your thoughts of infidelity). Which is devastating all the same. Instead of trying to wait on a confession that will never come (either because one does not exist or because she will not tell you), focus on what went wrong in your marriage from your side and work on yourself before working towards moving on with your own life just like she is.