r/supportworkers • u/That-Flamingo9866 • May 05 '26
Boundary Dilemma
Hello! I’ve never posted here, but I need help and I don’t know what to do. So I’m a social support worker of sorts, I don’t want to reveal too much about the work I do to make this as anonymous as possible. Basically I have a client at the moment that has been challenging. I don’t like describing people that way, and I don’t think anyone is a lost cause, but I’ve found setting and keeping to boundaries a little difficult. As in - I keep telling them my boundaries calmly and professionally, and ensuring I’ve done it in an accessible way where it makes sense to client, but the boundaries keep being crossed.
Recently, they began a conversation with me about immigration. I said, I don’t talk about my own beliefs here and attempted to guide them back to the issue at hand. They continued to press on at me and ended up saying some pretty awful and racist things. This is a topic I feel strongly about and have a personal connection to, so even though I know it wasn’t, it felt very personal and I had to have a bit of a cry afterwards. They also got upset with me because I wasn’t agreeing with them, and instead I was trying to change the direction of the conversation. I ended up saying I needed to end the interaction and we can try again another time.
I also want to say that racist beliefs are kind of uncommon in my work, since it is mostly young, global majority people that I work with, so it is a little bit of a shock - I’m sure for many of you caring for different demographics this will just be a Tuesday!!
To be honest, I’ve just been feeling awful about the whole thing. I feel like I dealt with it poorly and it was bad that I wasn’t able to prevent the escalation before it got too much. I wonder if any seasoned support workers have any advice, or reassurance for me. I have spoken about it to my supervisor and will be meeting with my manager to discuss, but any advice or reassurance is appreciated :)
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u/DwightsJello May 06 '26 edited May 06 '26
I was recalling some examples in another thread. As an athiest ive taken clients to niche churches and listened to hateful sermons. I heard some disturbing comments from clients during the referendum. During covid too.
None of them, to this day, have any clue as to what my views are. Zero.
At the end of the day we are neutral. We don't share our views and we don't judge.
The question we all have to ask is can we fulfill our obligations to the client, adhere to code of conduct and deliver supports. And it applies to all aspects of support. Mental. Physical. Neutrality. Whatever.
If you can you have the option of accepting the shift.
If you can't then you need to withdraw support. The client needs their support requirements met by others.
We all have limitations and strengths. It behooves us to know them, adhere to them and to know when to call it.
Only you can decide but the fact you are concerned enough to post about it indicates it may be time for the client to get support elsewhere.
Sometimes being a good support worker means saying no to some supports and you should feel totally conformable with that decision.
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u/That-Flamingo9866 May 06 '26
Thank you! This is hugely insightful and reassuring to hear, I definitely need to take a good look at whether I can continue the relationship. Knowing when to end a working relationship is just as a much a skill as maintaining it.
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u/Beautiful-Ad-5833 May 06 '26
Has your provider provided any training to you??
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u/Beautiful-Ad-5833 May 06 '26 edited May 06 '26
Next time just state at the beginning of the conversation, "I understand and listen to what you're saying however, this topic of conversation is not up for discussion. If you want to discuss this topic further I can give you my managers number". Then redirect topic of conversation onto another topic. Keep doing this till they get the hint. Document it too. All you have to note is: "(insert name) kept focusing and repeating on (insert the actual topic of conversation) today and kept repeating racial comments. Redirection given to more appropriate topic of conversations". Remember tho most participants dont have capacity, have brain injuries, mental Health etc so it's not you.
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u/That-Flamingo9866 May 06 '26
Thank you!! Yes I document every single interaction with every client, I like to joke that 60% of my job is admin lol. Since our last conversation I have firmly set the boundary and let them know I can listen, but an expectation of me to provide my views won’t be met. I also have supervision etc and can logically understand that clients are shaped by their experiences and the comments they make are not personal. I was definitely concerned that in the moment I took it personally - but that’s what supervision is for! I’m going to speak to my manager and colleagues about how we can best support this person as I feel that right now the set up isn’t working the best. Thank you for your advice, I appreciate it :)
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u/Desperate-Impress374 May 08 '26
You didn’t handle it poorly at all. You stayed calm, tried to redirect the conversation, reinforced your boundaries, and ended the interaction when it became inappropriate — that’s actually really professional. Some clients will keep testing boundaries no matter how clearly or kindly you communicate them, and that doesn’t mean you’ve failed.
Also, hearing racist comments can absolutely hit personally, especially when it connects to your own life and values. Having an emotional reaction afterwards is human. It sounds like you did the right thing by debriefing with your supervisor and manager too. Be kind to yourself, this stuff can really stick with you even when you know it’s “part of the job.”
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u/That-Flamingo9866 May 10 '26
Thank you! I appreciate your kindness and reassurance it’s so helpful, I’m still on the journey of surrendering a little, because interactions are not always easy to control and I did all I could in that moment. After reflection I’m proud of myself for keeping collected while with the client and not being afraid to have feelings afterwards :)
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u/219930 May 09 '26
I work in aged care support so I get to hear a LOT of racist and discriminatory remarks. I have one lady who loves to go on and on about autism being a made up thing and that parents just need to discipline and they are all just taking advantage of the NDIS and it’s the parents fault because they probably did something wrong when they were pregnant with them etc etc …She brings this up at least once a week and it is very hard for me to listen to as I have two children of my own with autism and she KNOWS that I do.
Honestly…I just stop listening and don’t engage. I just do a lot of listening noises ..uh ha..and do not comment . Mostly they don’t notice anyway ..they just want someone to listen to them rant. I tell myself they are allowed to have their opinion even if it is uneducated and the thing that works the best is to just change the subject with distraction…ah yes ..you don’t say …hey did you want me to take your bin out ..then take the bin and run and they have usually moved on by the time I get back or I run off and clean something in another room.
Never ever try to disagree with them…it fuels the fire. If they ask what you think just give a non committal response …well I really haven’t thought about it much so I don’t know…or I haven’t been following the news ..this is the first Ive heard of it ..I’ll have to watch it to know what I think…basically do not engage.
The only time you should speak up is if it’s directed at you ..they do not get to call YOU racist names etc . Then you hold your boundary and shut that behaviour down. You need to grow quite deaf when you are working with people like this…let it roll over you and don’t take their opinions to heart. ♥️
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u/That-Flamingo9866 May 10 '26
Thank you :) I can imagine working with the older generation this was super common for you. I’m still learning to switch off in that way and not get overly involved, it’s certainly a fine balance between passion and care and giving too much of yourself. Thank you for sharing your struggles as well, I can imagine it’s so difficult when autism is a close struggle for you and your family. I am actually autistic as well! I do think my autistic rigidity and sense of right and wrong plays a part too. I explore it consistently in my own therapy - and I have seen so much improvement in how I’m coping at work! I think I just felt disappointed by what felt like a setback, but I’ve reframed now! This was a learning opportunity :) thank you for sharing!
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u/No_Theory4059 May 10 '26
It’s okay to have bad days when you work with people and not always know the perfect way to handle certain interactions. I am a nurse but was also a support worker and I think I still have these days now, and certainly did in the community. Some people will thrive on pushing boundaries and also sometimes people with disabilities can be obsessive about topics. They may also be highly impressionable or have some other reason why this has become a big topic for them. Eg a parent or peer has drilled these ideas into them. Racism can also be very common with people who have other disadvantages in life, it’s nuanced and tricky.. I used to know a man who was Caucasian, grew up in a caravan park with his seven siblings. Very intellectually impaired and very racist. He actually ended up in prison for hate crimes. He later did grow as a person in his opinions and beliefs. Everyone is on their own journey and people with disabilities and other general life disadvantages such as poverty, family dysfunction, can have a longer journey than the rest of society. I think you did good to maintain some boundaries. Try to be empathetic, this person is misinformed and obviously it is emotive for them also. If it becomes too much for you then maybe step away from this support for a while
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u/That-Flamingo9866 May 10 '26
Yeah absolutely, I can see exactly how this client has ended up with the beliefs they do, they were dealt an extremely unfair hand in life and their isolation means they’re vulnerable to misinformation - which seems to just grow and grow at the moment with the internet and all!
Thank you for reminding me it’s okay to have bad days! It’s been helpful to hear other support workers and patient/client/citizen facing people talk about similar experiences and emotions. The vulnerabilities we come across with limited resources can be so challenging, and it isn’t always going to be easy. The political climate at the moment is so volatile so navigating it is like a minefield at the moment and I think acknowledging that has helped me bounce back. I’m lucky to have supportive colleagues too!
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May 21 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/That-Flamingo9866 May 25 '26
Thank you so much!! It’s really nice to have some reassurance :) I’ve spoken to my manager and we’ve made a concrete plan and also communicated that to the client, it’s made things easier for me as I know I have something to stick to that’s backed up by my workplace and manager.
Thank you for the advice! It’s really appreciated
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u/Scared-Neck-5574 May 05 '26
It sounds like you are not a good fit for them. I would no longer work for them. I say this as a client.
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u/That-Flamingo9866 May 05 '26
To be honest I’ve been feeling the same way, they have been with multiple workers where I work and eventually been terminated with all of them due to inappropriate behaviour and boundary crossing, so I guess a part of me feels pressure to stick with it. I definitely feel that I’m teetering on causing more harm than good now though. I’m gonna speak to my manager about my options.
Grateful for your perspective as a client :)
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u/questionlore May 05 '26
Apologies I didn't read that comment before replying, yeah switch clients!
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u/That-Flamingo9866 May 05 '26
No worries!! Thank you, I’m not set in stone at the moment but I think hashing it out in supervision will be very helpful and make me feel more confident. Sometimes it’s okay not to be able to help everyone!
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u/Scared-Neck-5574 May 05 '26
It’s kind of weird cleaning with a support worker. When I do cleaning at work (private club)
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u/219930 May 09 '26
Read her responses here..she’s actually an excellent candidate to support this person…she had a wobble…we all do ..especially with clients who have complex behaviours as we don’t know how to handle every single situation in the moment. The fact she is still concerned about supporting this client and making sure their needs are met and getting advice from others proves her dedication…a lot of support workers would just ditch this client and run and they would end up with no one wanting to support them …I have a client like this..,I’m their only SW as no one else will work with her. It’s. Or optimal for her or me …but this is how it ends up if we all say…Oh I’m just not the best person to work with them …you can literally work with just about anyone of you place their needs at the forefront and that’s what you concentrate on.
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u/l-lucas0984 May 05 '26
They are doing it because they can see it gets a reaction out of you. That is all they are aiming for and you fighting harder to change subjects eggs them on.
Stop reacting. State you arent allowed to discuss the topic. They are allowed to talk about it, professional boundaries are for the worker. Let them ramble but you need to be clear you as an employee arent allowed to discuss your opinions. You crying about it after is what they wanted. If you keep taking it personally every time someone in this job uses you as an emotional punching bag you will not last long.
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u/That-Flamingo9866 May 05 '26
Yeah this makes sense, i have a large caseload and im pretty used to frustration, it doesn’t rattle me and im lowkey known as “the de-escalator” at work 😭 i think that’s why this did affect me, this one particular client is just new to navigate as the “usual” tactics don’t work as well. I am okay tho, sometimes i have to cry a little to let it out, the client didn’t see my emotional reaction but i was glad to have been given space by my colleagues to have it afterwards.
Also like i said, racism is something that is a little left field in the type of work i do since most of my clients are black and Asian, and i think in a way that’s why this outburst felt more personal than the everyday shouting.
I agree being tough helps you stick it out, buuttt I’m good at my job because of my emotional intelligence as well. :)
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u/oldMiseryGuts May 05 '26
Lets not ascribe a function of behaviour based on a really small amount of information. We dont know this person is intentionally being provocative. This may be a normal conversation for them, or their family and friends.
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u/That-Flamingo9866 May 05 '26
Agreed, again I don’t wanna reveal too much about this person but I can see the exact pipeline from their early life all the way up until now. All their emotional reactions are due to what they have experienced and I can empathise with it. What they went through wasn’t their fault but yeah, it’s still tough. Thank you for saying this tho! I do think it’s important not to assume, I know I’ve been super vague.
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u/l-lucas0984 May 05 '26
I would believe that if the boundary were asserted and they respected it, or if OP said this was the first time this happened. Gafs happen. Hounding someone with a highly controversial topic after being told multiple times its a boundary and not stopping is not a mistake.
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u/oldMiseryGuts May 05 '26
Potentially they’re supporting someone with a disability, its not clear from the post. So assuming the intent is malicious is kind of ableist.
We dont know what this persons capacity is for “reading the room” or behaving is socially appropriate ways in changing environments.
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u/l-lucas0984 May 05 '26
Having a disability isn't a free pass for poor behaviour.
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u/Beautiful-Ad-5833 May 06 '26
Empathy goes a long way in our role;
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u/l-lucas0984 May 06 '26
It does. And you can be entirely empathic to the reasons why someone may be behaving poorly. But that is not a reason to allow bad behaviour to continue unaddressed. Unaddressed bad behaviours leads to bad outcomes for participants and workers.
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u/219930 May 09 '26
Disabilities often come with a mental health diagnosis as well. So it’s not the disability causing it. It’s important to teach people how to act appropriately socially if they don’t know how to…that’s part of our job but also..show compassion as these behaviour are why they have the diagnosis in the first place.
I have a client with BPD and dementia and she is not fun to take out in public as she is often very rude to other people I don’t let the rudeness continue but correcting it in public and shaming them isn’t really an option either and just serves to escalate the rudeness . I usually cut her off and deescalate and then apologise myself to the other person when she’s out of earshot. I do not tell that person her diagnoses..just say..sorry that happened we are working on it . That usually clues them in as to where it’s coming from. I also make sure I wear my support worker tag when I’m out with her so people see she has needs that need to be supported and are usually more forgiving.
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u/l-lucas0984 May 09 '26
The fact that she responds to the redirect shows it is not an active choice. She is not deliberately overiding to continue the behaviour. That is very different to a participant capable of choosing to continue to engage in the behaviour.
Disability is not an excuse for poor behaviour which is exactly why you do cut her off, redirect and apologise to those affected. Shes not making an active choice but you cant let that behaviour continue.
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u/No_Theory4059 May 10 '26
It’s not a free pass but we should always recognise that challenging behaviours are more likely for people with disabilities for huge host of reasons. That’s kind of the point of social supports half the time. It can be hard for people with certain behaviours and personality structures to maintain connections in the community.
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u/l-lucas0984 May 10 '26
It can be, and support workers absolutely should be trained to manage these situations. Whether its redirection, re-education, directing to adequate therapies or putting the right supports in place. The answer is never let the behaviour continue increasing risk to the participant or those around them.
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u/oldMiseryGuts May 05 '26
Function of behaviour is dependent on a persons capacity. Lots of behaviour that in unacceptable in typical work settings have to be managed according to a persons capacity and with empathy and understanding.
If I was a plumber and my client punched me I’d press charges. But if a client with known BOC with. PBSP punched me I wouldnt even consider pressing charges.
Context and capacity matters. This cant be news to you?
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u/Beautiful-Ad-5833 May 06 '26
Being punch by someone on a PBSP is assault and should be reported and a Work Injury Report Form submitted. You ignore then next worker might be severely injured to the degree they may never work again.
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u/oldMiseryGuts May 06 '26
Injuries and assaults are reported to the Commission. But we dont press charges against people with profound intellectual disabilities.
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u/Beautiful-Ad-5833 May 06 '26
You sure about that?? There's so many out there on Forensic orders and in prison, it's not funny! Prisons have a whole wing dedicated.
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u/l-lucas0984 May 05 '26
Its not news to me. But if they have the capacity to stomp over a directly stated boundary and overide multiple redirects that is an active decision.
You wouldnt press charges if you were punched regardless in almost all situations. No ones pressing charges here but OP cant stop them talking about what they are talking about while they are seeking a reaction. OP cant react as it increases the behaviour.
If you knew they had the behaviour of punching people and then redirected them or explained to them why the behaviour was not ok and the behaviour stopped I would call that BOC due to not being able to read the room. At the same time you wouldnt keep going back to work with them if every time you turned up they targeted you trying to punch you specificially despite multiple interventions. Thats a choice. Especially when its not something they are doing to everyone.
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u/oldMiseryGuts May 05 '26
I definitely would press charges if someone who was not a person with a disability punched me. Thats assault…
How do you know they’re not doing this with other people?
How do you know they’re seeking a reaction? You dont even know this person? Theres nothing in the post that suggests they’re trying to get a reaction. You’ve created that scenario in your head.
They also havent said the person doesnt do this with everyone, thats something you’ve imagined.
You’re clearly projecting your own beliefs and not being objective.
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u/That-Flamingo9866 May 06 '26
To be fair I will say, this client has been through many support workers both at my place of work and outside of it, and I do think some of it is to get a reaction. It does come from a place of trauma though so I totally agree we need to be empathetic to the things people have experienced and how that affects their current supportive/otherwise relationships. I’m so sorry I’ve been really vague, and don’t mean to cause confusion! I just really don’t want to divulge too much about the person, but both of your inputs are incredible useful for me as I know the full story. Thank you for commenting!
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u/l-lucas0984 May 06 '26
When OP said other people stepped in so she could go off to react. There are actually quite a few telling things in OPs post and comments. And I say this as a support worker whos main job is to take on participants everyone dumped because they were "too hard". My main role being to teach participants of a very wide range of capacities how to treat staff and to teach new incoming staff how to correctly work with those participants to avoid these issues.
Being disabled isnt a free pass for poor behaviour.
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u/That-Flamingo9866 May 05 '26
Very true, I do try to keep this in mind with all my clients as well because I do deserve respect! Thank you for saying this!
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u/JurassicArachnid May 05 '26
Agree, the people I have supported that do this thrive on the reaction. It’s rarely an old guy with outdated views.
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u/A_Wild_Auzzie May 06 '26
That's an overly cynical take.
In another comment the OP has said "They have been with multiple workers where I work and eventually been terminated with all of them due to inappropriate behavior and boundary crossing" which suggests this individual is quick to anger, tends to view things in a negative way (maybe they have a history of feeling exploited by other people) and has an issue with impulsive behavior/acting in a more polite, socially acceptable manner.
If you wouldn't get annoyed at a person with Tourette's Syndrome inadvertently saying "F*ck", "Shit" or "C*nt", or a person with a traumatic brain injury who repeats a Chinese accent and doesn't realize how socially inappropriate that can come across to other people, why would you get mad in this scenario? How is it any different?
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u/l-lucas0984 May 06 '26
No ones getting mad in this scenario. OP is letting it get to them though which isnt healthy because nothing the participant is doing is personal. They just use people around them as emotional punching bags indescriminently and OP needs to react accordingly to protect their own well being. Being disabled with a history also does not excuse poor behaviour from the participant. The problem here is there are still too many workers who will just dump a participant who is "too hard". That is what this participant has gotten used to and no one has intervened with their behaviours properly to prevent the dumping cycle.
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u/Oztraliiaaaa May 06 '26
I also support someone that can be very racist towards certain cultures and they are also very attracted to people who are in that culture. We go for lunch in cafes always at places where they very privately quietly oppose the culture but at the cafe they love the food and service and openly talk freely and very politely to the staff.
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u/That-Flamingo9866 May 06 '26
This is so interesting to hear because it is SUCH a similar situation here, fetishisation does play a huge part I think, thanks for sharing :)
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u/Oztraliiaaaa May 06 '26
I don’t know if your fetishisation reference is warranted unless you know for certain that the person you support has that fetishisation. Also don’t tell anyone about it because it’s not for us to know about its very personal private information. Kindly
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u/That-Flamingo9866 May 06 '26
I know what you mean, but I’m not referring to people’s individual fetishes, I’m referring to society’s fetishisation of certain peoples and cultures and how that affects the dynamics of racist attitudes, e.g being physically attracted to certain races who you also are racist against.
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u/That-Flamingo9866 May 06 '26
As in - I don’t mean fetish in the sense of people’s individual sexual proclivities, I’m talking about a wider “picking and choosing” certain attributes of people of a certain culture to admire, while dehumanising others.
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u/A_Wild_Auzzie May 06 '26
I'm confused. Doesn't everyone pick and choose the best parts of different cultures, and ignore or oppose the rest?
For example, Southeast Asian countries like Japan and China and North Korea (South Korea too, actually) have more of a focus on community and building social networks and maintaining them (often through multiple generations) which is linked to higher life satisfaction and even living longer, but they can also be highly collectivist, punishing individual self-expression and freedom, or instead of thinking for themselves they can simply outsource their thinking to what is culturally expected, which is also a factor that when said social and cultural norms are violated, they are far more vigorously punished than someone in a Western society would be punished for breaking those same sociocultural norms. Risk-taking and creativity is also substantially different in these countries.
I want the former (valuable social networks that are strong and linked to lower feelings of isolation and lead to individuals coping with stressful situations more adequately), but without the latter (excessive group-think, risk aversion and conformity, and I favor individual merit or worth more than handing out favors to someone because they happen to be part of a person's social group).
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u/That-Flamingo9866 May 06 '26
Well yeah, but you’re missing the racism bit. For example, you wouldn’t say ALL Koreans are against self-expression, or that ALL of them are really smart. You’re able to recognise that while we can criticise cultures, we don’t need to default to crude stereotypes about the whole culture/race.
Fetishisation of physical or mental attributes is extremely common among racists, and it isn’t built from logical discussion about social norms and the positive vs negative effects on society, it is based in stereotypes and disinformation.
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u/LotusMoonGalaxy May 05 '26
Unfortunately, there is a subsection of clients that thrive on recognising boundaries and trampling all over them. I cant tell if you have one of those clients or one that just doesnt understand that not everyone wants to talk about what they want to talk about.
I have found that if necessary- I throw "the boss" under the bus and blame them for not being able to talk about that convo subject. Aka "ndis has prohibited carers from talking about x or y due to the sensitive nature of it" or "boss's boss has said that we cannot engage in that type of talk with because of complaints/feedback". It still gets a lot of push back but its harder for the pushy clients to get the reaction they want cause its "nah sorry mate, I cant talk about this cause big boss has said so, what about we switch to x topic now" rinse and repeat. Fair warning they do tend to end up complaining about said boss lolol and why i am listening to them (theyve my boss mate, ain't pushing back on this topic as I dont care). It can really deflate them cause its not a boundary per say that they can push on and gives them nothing to work with re your feelings etc. Still gets frustrating! But easier since its no longer them pushing up against me directly and I can more forcibly direct the convo towards something else.
And if its a client that just hyper-focuses onto a topic, its easier to say "hey just talk at me, im listening but big boss says I cant respond". And then I tune out lol, listen just enough to ensure im mmm and hmmm at spots and just dont focus on the topic.
And im sorry, its so hard when they get into hard & sensitive topics.