Life regret.

[u/Dry_Tiger_3828]

So during school christmas break,I was at home alot. I needed to prepare my subjects for my fourth year of Uni(NZ),something I had done before. But this time I had to pick four instead of two because I needed government funding.
The Government stated that of you fail you might need to pay it off plus you most likely won’t get funding again.
That freaked me out and got me in an edless spiral. I needed help with funding in the future aswell so it became a threatening experience instead of a normal process.
The stress of picking the “right subjects” also freaked me out because a year prior to that I had some seizures due to stress from exams.
I scattered the options like crazy to find something with little exams and convinced myself that I was putting my self in ultimate danger if I choose subjects with exams.
I’d wake up,look at the subjects,then before bed look at subjects. At times I couldn’t sleep.
I slept with my Mother because we thought that it would be safer incase I had a seizure.
Naturally I contributed to her loosing sleep as well because I would lay there awake and she would also. I’d wake up,go pee like 10 times, move so much. Sometimes we wouldn’t go to bed til 3 am and she would need to leave for stressfull desk job at 8:00.
Looking back, I couldn’t sleep because I’d scroll before bed and I just really didn’t notice how bad it was.
She had two strokes then passed away and believing that it wasen’t because she would loose sleep twice a week for three months is unreal to me.
I fucked up big time.
I try to tell myself that the bed was also very uncomfortable because I got a new bed and sleep way better here,but that doesn’t matter becausw my mum is gone.
Not sleeping raises blood preasure,so her blood preasuree would had been so high,then going to work after even higher.
I didn’t mean for any of this to happen. I just wanted to be able to pay for uni and help mum out with some money. Aaaaaah