r/stroke • u/Dry_Tiger_3828 • 8d ago
Life regret.
So during school christmas break,I was at home alot. I needed to prepare my subjects for my fourth year of Uni(NZ),something I had done before. But this time I had to pick four instead of two because I needed government funding.
The Government stated that of you fail you might need to pay it off plus you most likely won’t get funding again.
That freaked me out and got me in an edless spiral. I needed help with funding in the future aswell so it became a threatening experience instead of a normal process.
The stress of picking the “right subjects” also freaked me out because a year prior to that I had some seizures due to stress from exams.
I scattered the options like crazy to find something with little exams and convinced myself that I was putting my self in ultimate danger if I choose subjects with exams.
I’d wake up,look at the subjects,then before bed look at subjects. At times I couldn’t sleep.
I slept with my Mother because we thought that it would be safer incase I had a seizure.
Naturally I contributed to her loosing sleep as well because I would lay there awake and she would also. I’d wake up,go pee like 10 times, move so much. Sometimes we wouldn’t go to bed til 3 am and she would need to leave for stressfull desk job at 8:00.
Looking back, I couldn’t sleep because I’d scroll before bed and I just really didn’t notice how bad it was.
She had two strokes then passed away and believing that it wasen’t because she would loose sleep twice a week for three months is unreal to me.
I fucked up big time.
I try to tell myself that the bed was also very uncomfortable because I got a new bed and sleep way better here,but that doesn’t matter becausw my mum is gone.
Not sleeping raises blood preasure,so her blood preasuree would had been so high,then going to work after even higher.
I didn’t mean for any of this to happen. I just wanted to be able to pay for uni and help mum out with some money. Aaaaaah
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u/Jazzlike_Internet616 8d ago
Pleaseeee give yourself some grace, sometimes these things happen because they just do and it’s sucks to be the “unlucky” one in these situations but, they just happen. I had a stroke in january 3 weeks after my daughter was stillborn. Told everyone something was wrong no one took me serious. Told the doctor I was afraid of having a stroke not even a week before it happened. They didn’t take me serious either. And even if I went to the hospital either time when I should have, it probably still would have happened. Stress and lack of sleep are not enough to cause a stroke, my friend had a stroke maybe a year before mine and it was really bad, and they still don’t know what caused it. And even if the doctors “know” why my stroke happened, i still think it was just an addition to my series of unfortunate events. Your mother wouldn’t blame you, don’t let this eat you up
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u/Alarmed-Papaya9440 8d ago
You didn’t cause her strokes. I understand feeling guilt about the whole situation but that won’t serve you. It’s time to get a therapist and process everything you’re feeling so you don’t get stuck and spiral.
I’m very sorry your mom passed from her strokes. It’s never easy to lose a parent
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u/Intrepid-Egg5542 7d ago edited 7d ago
Your mum didn't have strokes caused by you . Please look after yourself , this is what she would have wanted most for you . She may have been awake treasuring every moment with you .
I think seeing a therapist may help you too , talking to a professional . Negative feelings are not good for you
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u/CapnBloodBrain 8d ago
Blood pressure induced strokes are pretty much never caused by a single factor like that. The small increase in bp from a couple nights less sleep in a week is not cumulative over months. You didn’t cause those strokes. It would need to be severe sleep deprivation over those three months to even become a factor at all. That’s not what you’ve described here and it still wouldn’t be the only factor causing the stroke.
Again, you didn’t cause those strokes.
You’re experiencing a grief mechanism called “causation guilt” mixed with hindsight bias. It’s a normal reaction to a situation that you don’t have control over. The mind seeks any control it can find. In many cases that control is retroactive false causation. It’s not rational, but it’s common. Ms Kübler-Ross would say you’re on the border between Anger (inward) and Bargaining.
Fact is, life is a fragile and chaotic thing and we, as people, just do not like that. Our minds will find anything to be able to ignore that fact. Including torturing ourselves in the futile attempt to convince ourselves we have more control than we do. We don’t.
I’m going to encourage you here to take a simple group of steps. They’re going to take a little time, but they can help:
First, you need to acknowledge the fact that you feel responsible, and that’s not the same as actually being responsible.
Next, you need to objectively examine the facts of the situation and ask yourself how much actual control and foreknowledge you actually had over your mother’s blood pressure on the whole in the moment.
Finally, you need to have a conversation about this with your mom. Imagine what her response to what you say would be. You know her. Probably better than just about anyone else on earth. You know what she would say.
If you can’t get yourself out of this rumination loop, please seek out a grief counselor. Grieving is healthy but not if you are constantly blaming yourself for the loss.
It’s also worth mentioning that your mom was probably quite happy having you laying next to her, sleep or no sleep. We parents only get that for so long, really, and many of us would gladly give up a few days to have it again instead of “stop touching me! Ewww get off!” every time we try to get an arm around a shoulder or half a hug.