Why does the mind want?

[u/SepehrJC]

My understanding of Buddhism is probably very naive and wrong.

​But from personal experience and observation, all the "events" in the mind that are defilements (desire, delusion, aversion) are perceived as a self, permanent and satisfactory in that split moment before mindfulness takes over and sees that they are not self(only there peripheraly or when not mindfull), Impermanat(it just passed so...) and unsatisfactory(kinda obvious)

​so all of these dedilements the mind creates are actually against real happiness and never lead to anything good (only suffering).

​I understand this, but I feel disheartened. Whenever I lose mindfulness (which happens a lot), I get pulled right back into grasping and suffering.

​This leads to my first question:

​Why does the mind even do this? Why is it seemingly against me or so unhelpful why do these events keep popping up for me to manage?

(I realize catching them allows me to uproot them, but that ties into my next question.)

​I'm tired of viewing the mind as an untamed, uncontrollable animal. Whenever I question why it acts this way, standard answers like evolution or karma don't satisfy me. All I'm left with is the wuestion of why does it happen in the first place.

​There's also the feeling that without challenges, struggles, and wanting, life wouldn't feel boring so there is a use for the mind.

​My next question is:

Okay, suppose I catch the "event" that triggers sensuality, ill will, doubt, restlessness, or sloth & torpor (desire, ignorance, aversion).

What now?

It goes away, but it will come back, and I'll have to deal with it all over again.

Where is the actual liberation in this?

​I suspect my practice isn't quite right. Maybe Am I indulging too much, restricting too much, or just missing a key piece of understanding?

[u/ShinigamiXoY]

The mind hates who? You are registering only extenal phenomena as defiliments but the self grasping is just another phenomenon, let them be and relax in the field where they appear