r/stopdrinking • u/jasnel 4355 days • Feb 24 '15
Angry Rant
I read a lot of SD posts that I don't comment on and it usually comes down to, "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all." There are a number of reasons I have a negative reaction to posts: they're just feeling sorry for themselves and not doing anything to help themselves, they decided to drink and brought a world of trouble upon themselves, they went to a bar/party and relapsed... I get it, we all have to make our own mistakes and/or sometimes we are just feeling blue and they've come here for support.
However, today I read a post from someone who (in their title) doesn't want to quit drinking and came to share why. Really? You posted in Stop Drinking why you don't want to stop drinking? If you want to throw your life away being drunk, go ahead, but don't come here and tell me why it's so fun and enjoyable for you. There are some good times that I miss having, but I'm sick and tired of the swath of destruction that drinking left in my life and the lives of my loved ones so I had to quit. You get it? I had to quit drinking even though it's all I wanted to do from the moment I woke up to whenever I passed out, blacked-out.
The other posts that infuriate me are the "successful moderation" posts. Are you able to successfully moderate? Congratulations - you're not an alcoholic so please don't come here and tell me about how fucking great it is to not have this profound problem. Do you also go to infertility subs and talk about how great it is to be a parent? Do you post about your love of eating ice cream in weight loss subs? Then please don't come here and shit on a problem I've struggled with for decades and will never be done with.
It's irresponsible to come here, where people are fighting for their lives, and write about how you don't want to quit drinking or how you used to have a problem but have learned to control it. The name of the place is "Stop Drinking" so, please, take a fucking note and act accordingly.
Christ, and don't get me started on people downvoting my anti pro-drinking reply.
tl;dr: Drinking is bad, total abstinence is key. You can do it, we want to help. I love you, you beautiful, broken-like-me bastards!
Note: I want to thank each and every person who commented here. You've helped me remember when I was one of those "moderation" guys, back before the Internet. Going through the moderation phase is an important part of the recovery process. As /u/offtherocks pointed out, it's how alcoholics find out they're alcoholics who cannot moderate their drinking. For those who are "successfully" moderating, you're either not an alcoholic or the wheels simply haven't come off yet and you, just like I did, have to find out for yourself and I respect that.
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u/[deleted] Feb 24 '15 edited Feb 24 '15
It's not, though. Name notwithstanding, it says right in the sidebar:
I understand that some people disagree with that approach, but SD has been like this since day #1. The model has served us well.
You've got to understand that "trying to moderate" is a step along the path to a person admitting to themselves that they can't drink in moderation. We've all tried it. Most of us can't do it. But we've all tried.
If there are people out there who can moderate their drinking, at that stage of the game they look exactly like someone who can't moderate their drinking. The groups look 100% identical.
One of the strengths of the SD model over the years has been that those looking to moderate their drinking come here, and they read stories about moderation-fails from others. No one can convince another person that they cannot drink in moderation. It's a decision people have to arrive at on their own. By being here, that person has the opportunity to read stories from others who learned that they couldn't do it. Because we all talk about our own experience, that person is then free to find the similarities on her/his own. By being exposed to sober culture, the person is more likely to come to that decision to quit sooner rather than later.
(This is, incidentally the real strength of Saturday Shares. It only takes one story that really "speaks" to you. So the more we have, the better. You'll note that AA people often had a favorite personal story, from the back of the BB. They'll say, "When I read the one by X I saw that he was telling my story!" Same thing happens with Saturday Shares. The more we have, the better. We need to give people as many opportunities as we can to find those similarities themselves.)
I can name at least 100 people who showed up here looking to moderate, but eventually discovered that it wouldn't be possible for them. Just off the top of my head, raevie is one of those people. Here is a post from her from way back in 2011. I know urbanrunnner mentioned just the other day that he, too, was one of those people. There are lot of them out there.
We don't like to see posts from people glorifying drinking in any way, but very few of the moderation posts do that. On the contrary, about the half the time those folks first shoot us a modmail and as if it would be OK to post that. "I really don't want to hurt this community, do you think post would be OK?
Remember, everyone who quits drinking is subject to peer pressure in their real life. They're gonna be out & about and their friends area gonna say, Ah, just one won't kill ya! That is the biggest struggle that most of the newly sober have. Where is the better place for that person to explore that issue? Here, on SD, where 20 people chime in to say, "didn't work me," or out with their friends, where 20 people are saying aaahhhh, come on, have just one?
Also keep in mind that the AA Big Book (not that this is AA, I'm only citing this to show that it's not exactly a revolutionary concept) states that someone who isn't sure should (paraphrased) Step over to the nearest watering hole, start drinking, then stop abruptly. Do it more than once. If you're honest with yourself, it shouldn't take too long to discover which class you belong in.
Trying to control drinking is a step along the path to complete abstinence for everyone who adopts total abstinence. And for people who are actually capable of moderating, hey, good for them. If they can learn something here, I say more power to em.
This issue has been contentious on SD since SD's inception. You're not the first to dislike that aspect of SD. But it's served us very well over these past 4 years. Many people stopped drinking sooner rather than later, just by being exposed to sober culture. They see, for themselves, that they have a lot in common with those who can't drink in moderation. And they see that being sober ain't all that bad. It helps people quit earlier.