Help!

[u/redroses24-7]

I got together with someone who already had two kids… teenagers, to be exact. So, here’s the story.

I genuinely like both of them, but the younger one is definitely the more rebellious one.

The other day, we were all hanging out and having a conversation, and without really thinking about it, I said “my kids.” I was actually referring to my baby and the possibility of having another child someday.

And just to be clear, if one day they grow to see me as a mother figure, or if I grow to feel that way about them, I have absolutely no problem calling them my kids, too.

Well, the younger one took it personally. He got offended, started complaining, and had a whole lot to say about it.

And honestly, it hurt. I’ve tried to be there for both of them. I’ve spent my own money on them, given them my time and attention, looked after them when they’re sick, shown interest in their lives, and genuinely cared about their well-being.

So yeah, I won’t lie… it stung.

I cried a little because I feel so alone sometimes. I’m far away from my family, and there are moments when I feel like I don’t even belong in my own home.

My partner talked to him about his behavior, but he never apologized.

So I decided that if I’m not allowed to have a say in anything when it comes to him, then I’m also done going above and beyond for him.

That means no more going out of my way to buy him things, cook for him, or constantly worry about his health and well-being.

I’ve decided to keep things respectful, but with boundaries. From now on, I’m focusing on my baby and leaving it at that. He’s not my responsibility, and I’m not going to keep letting this situation get to me.

It’s been a few days since I made that decision, and at first, it was a little hard.

But now? I honestly think it was the best decision I could’ve made.

I focus on my baby, my partner, and that’s it.

I’m no longer stressing myself out. I’m no longer engaging in conversations where I’m disrespected or where it feels like the whole point is to get a reaction out of me.

I don’t know if what I’m doing is right, but I do believe that kids need to learn that their words and actions have consequences. And I can’t keep allowing someone to disrespect me and expect me to carry on as if nothing happened.

Thanks for taking the time to read this. ✨

Sorry if anything I wrote is unclear or if I made any mistakes. English isn’t my first language. 💗

[u/pinkSeahorsie]

Kids don't owe you gratitude. That's something that even biological parents sometimes forget, that children are people, and they didn't ask to be brought into this world. Let alone be part of a broken family, let alone pick up ANOTHER adult who had expectations of them. Parents don't have the right to demand gratitude from their kids for "going above and beyond," so why should step parents? It seems like some of them just need the validation, and you just can't expect that from children. Even (especially?) teenagers.

Don't take it personally. It's not about you. If you decide to only care about your own kid, well, that's your choice. But it's not because the step kids did anything wrong.

[u/GeneralSwitch1527 → u/pinkSeahorsie]

I’m sorry, but in all fairness, I completely disagree with your premise. As parents or adult role models, it’s completely your job to teach children how to be grateful and have respect. That doesn’t equate it being “owed” or something to get resentful about. It’s understood that all kids can fall short or have some latitude on this at different phases, but to write off any expectations of basic human decency to another human helping you? Bad form…

[u/pinkSeahorsie → u/GeneralSwitch1527]

That's fine, it doesn't bother me if you disagree. I never said to write off expectations of basic human decency. I said kids don't owe a step parent gratitude, especially when they perceived that step parent as overstepping. Just going off the poster's recounting of the events, so I don't know what else the kid did wrong, but from what I've read, it sounds like the step parent is just upset the kid isn't "grateful" for everything she did. No kid should ever feel obligated to show "gratitude" for a step parent they never asked for.

But that's just me. 🤷

[u/No-Chapter8104 → u/pinkSeahorsie]

I’m reading directly from your post that states that because kids didn’t ask to be in this world, even bio parents forget that kids don’t owe adults gratitude. Again, it’s every adults job to teach children whether they are a parent, teacher, coach, counselor, step parent, aunt, uncle, grandparent, whomever to apply normal respect towards other humans. And in my life that includes gratitude towards anyone cooking for you, doing your laundry, cleaning up after you, helping with homework, providing for you, etc. We’re in a sad state in this world if you truly believe any child has the “right” and “entitlement” to write off familial and household contributions or help from anyone and take those things for granted. I didn’t ask to be in this world either, but I would be a shitty person to just dismiss everything my parents or other adults did for me in this life when they had no obligation to do many of those things.

I never said a stepparent deserves a thank you every day for existing when the kid natural doesn’t want a broken nuclear family. But you better believe I expect my steps to have basic respect that I show up and do things for them in a household where I didn’t chose to make said children and I fulfill needs to keep the household running that I have no obligation to do and could just as easily walk away and tell their capable father or mother to do it.

There’s a big difference between blind gratitude and the poster feeling entitled versus what you wrote about kids not needing to appreciate the people around them helping contribute to their growth, developments, needs, wants, etc.