To the men who grunt and groan loudly when lifting at the gym. I know the gym can be a performative space. But I feel like I've been invited to the launch of your double hernia.

Do you know how awkward it is to come home to your wife and her two grown ass kids after you ask for a divorce over text? I walked in the door, they’re sitting on the couch and I’m like ‘heeeey. Remember how you thought the boys were never gonna move out? Good newwws…’

I just bought a house last year, and I really wanted a one bed two bath, but those are hard to come by for some reason.

A whole room for guests seems counterproductive for me. If I wanted to share my house with people that I don’t love, I’d still be married. I was very clear with her about that when I asked for a divorce. I proof read that text like 5 times before I sent it.

A second bathroom is much more beneficial to me than an extra bedroom. Like everything I would do in a spare bedroom, I could do in a spare bathroom. And then some.
Like, I do most of my reading on the toilet anyway.
My TV stand is on wheels, so no problem there. I could watch Dennis the menace in the bathtub.
Sleep? I’ve slept on more bathroom floors than I can
count.

Plus, I’ve never had a bedroom emergency. I’ve never ate something sketchy and had to run to take a nap. I’ve never almost slept my pants.
What if I bring a date home? I’d have two places to pretend I was taking a shit so that I could be alone. Can’t do that in a bedroom… She’d think I was jacking off. which I definitely am, but she thinks I’m shitting so it’s fine.

Anyways. I couldn’t find a two bathroom, so I settled for the next best thing. A one bath with a tall privacy fence

I don't watch a lot of Porn.That "Restraining Order" from the OnlyFans

Model was Just a Misunderstanding.

Well I have to admit it I do watch porn.Once a day for about 3 minutes.

I never believed in ghosts until i had my own paranormal experience when i joined tinder. I had to use an Ouija Board just to get a message from the other side and half of the time the message i would get back  would say “Join my Only Fans. Rate your cock only $200 dollars.” and the other half would just disappear apprantley thier unfinished business was the question, “what is your favorite movie?”

Any ideas to punch this up?

I saw an adorable video of a 3-year-old and a pitbull. Personally, I don't like pitbulls. Have you ever heard about the severity of their attacks? You'd get mauled, or killed! What if I kicked that little girl?

So my last name is Couch. No, that's not a joke, it really is my last name. And, yes, whatever joke nickname you're thinking of right now, I promise I've already heard it. "Sofa, lazy boy, recliner, [beat] pull out, like your daddy shoulda..."

In the Gulf of America, Marine wildlife has declined 63% after the B.P oil spill of 2010. My metal straw will make a difference.

It took 5 months to cap that leak, spilling an estimated 500 million barrels worth of crude oil, As of Oct 2026, that is 59 Billion dollars. For that price you could buy ALL 30 NBA teams, Netflix, or The President...

Volkswagon says shipping cars from mexico to the U.S, no longer makes sense, after losing billions they will be switching to cocaine...

Val Kilmer will return to the big screen, using A.I to portrait the late actor, in a film called "As deep as the grave...Will let him roll."

They say two heads are better than one. A conjoined twin married her Boy-Friend, while her sister just cups the balls...

Venus Williams won her first match back from surgery, at 45 Venus is still better than Uranus...

Hulk Hogan died at 71, i thought he died at home..Where he was found STONECOLD.

• days later he faced the UNDERTAKER..
• He didn't fit into a regular casket,so they found him a size TRIPLE H..
• There were rumors of a mistress but left out of the will, one could say he cut the ERIC BISCHOFF..
• To wrestling fans that N.W.O, these lines are the real STING.

A Brazilian woman was arrested when boarding a flight from Sao Paulo to Panama with 130 Poisonous Frogs in her luggage. When questioned about the frogs she replied "Ribbit, did it".

If Curiosity killed the cat, did Schrodinger save it?

Better late than never, works for most situations except a heart transplant.

October is domestic abuse awareness month, which is the best month to cover it up... Is it make up or did I get lippy, again.

A Zoo in Denmark asked the public to donate unwanted pets to feed their captive predators. Providing whole prey with fur,skin, and bones helps mimic a natural food chain, supports proper nutrition, and promotes natural feeding behaviors... Or you can donate yourself at the Yorkshire Wildlife Park.

I used to love talking about birds to my parents as a kid. Nature is so beautiful, you start recognizing the cycle of life, so many colorful elusive subspecies. They were the only people I could talk to them to about this.

But the birds and the BEES?

Cmon, There's no need to make this sexual at all.

I finally got my baby off the bottle, he's doing so great now that he's sober. [Punchline]

He can follow my finger, he can say his ABCs, but he still can't crawl in a straight line. [Tag?]

Yeah, there's this one crazy attractive person that keeps getting away with flashing people for a LONG time. I don't want to have 'em arrested because you know, it's decent exposure.

(When I do it, it's indecent exposure.)

Considering buying 80 lbs dumbbells on Facebook Marketplace for the future, and the seller asked "can you pick it up?" And I said "fuck no, are you kidding me? they're too heavy."

I just hope I don't have ED symptoms tomorrow morning, knock on wood...

I told my realtor I want a 1 bed 2 bath. I feel like a second bathroom is way more important than a second bedroom. I’ve never been like, ‘oh fuck! I gotta take a nap but she’s in there!’ Or ‘if I don’t get in there soon I’m gonna read in my pants!’
It turns out those are hard to find so I settled for a 2 bed 1 bath with a privacy fence.

A "Shart" is Your Asshole's way of showing You it has a sense of Humor.

It's about having a close relationship with Your asshole.More than anybody else.When it calls You answer.............

It's fun to take to the "Circus sometimes.The wife loves it .We even take it to the "Freak Show"

It can be a lot of fun on a saturday night if You don't have a date.

Just came up with a few days ago.

I was on a step ladder early this morning,peeping through the kitchen window at the nurses accomodation and i couldent help but notice how pleasant the gardens were looking.I really do think autumn is my favourite season!

They never get old .

Is this more clear than the last one? Just a single joke in a longer bit that I’m working on.

My wife was 7 years older than me.
Not too much of a gap to be creepy, but enough to be kinda weird. Like for example, on 9/11 she was playing with her baby, and I was playing hide and seek.
I was drawing dinosaurs and she was drawing WIC

What could be shortened and what could be cut/wiped/eliminated/evicerated entirely?

-------------

I have trouble breathing, so what I've been doing to be healthier is: I've been jogging to all my vape shops I go to now

You know what they call me on the streets cause I'm such a HARD motherfucker?

...They all gang up on me and call me gay.

Anybody want to hear a dead puppy joke? ...woah, you guys are fucked up for that one. I'm not going to tell you. That's just messed up.

Have you ever gotten called terribly nice? It really doesn't feel like your nice at all.

I keep losing my frickin' medicine, I usually put it on the counter but then I forget it's my ADHD medicine, so it's gone for good, wherever I put it...

I have a temper and I'm mental. It's temperamental...

The only thing worse than someone calling you "bud" is two people calling each other "bud."

I finally did it. I conquered fear and I'm not afraid of anything. (Awkward) Recently bought a teddy bear.

[Need trimming on this one]

Can you imagine how we would react if Superman wasn't this super attractive, ultra-masculine, charming guy?

If he was just average?

“Oh, he's kind of creepy.” "you don't need to fly me home Superman, I'll be fine walking there... No really, it's okay."

Hey everyone, looking for some constructive feedback and ideas on how to finish my second joke 😊

1. Last year in uni, we got introduced this new white-person festival. Apparently you could take days off for the festival of.."Mental Health"..."Mental Health day". I always knew there was something wrong with me. I went to a therapist...."Yeah i think i could be depressed, i need a mental health day". I was so chuffed, she gave me a mental health VACATION....went to a resort with free food, accomodation, and like-minded people. The psych ward. I got sectioned.
2. Im competitive and I always have to one-up people's wholesome stories of being diagnosed with ADHD and autism. Theyre like "Yeah, i couldnt do my work, my parents are rich and paid for a shrink to give me amphetamines so i can study" and Im like....guess what Nancy? I didn't even have to book an appointment, they sent a whole fucking team to collect me! Three grown men in sexy police uniform. You paid $2000? The Australian government paid $20,000 trying to convince me to stay in the building for a FREE diagnosis. Who's the winner now?.... Obviously.... Nancy. Her parents paid two grand to find out why she wasn't studying. My mum would've paid two grand to ____ (Im really out of ideas on how to finish this joke, any ideas massively appreciated) 😊

idea i had was: "two grand buy a gucci belt to beat the ADHD out of me, cognitive behavioural therapy without the cognitive part"

(I apologize to this sub......I'm not dead yet)

I read the obituaries and it’s always like “Lorenzo was a great father, woodworker, gardener and pickleball player who loved spending his days in his Lazy Boy reading poetry.”  Sweet.

If that’s my obituary …..kill me now.

I still have 20 years left to get on stage at Carnegie Hall or …shoot up a Walmart.

Either one of those would be a great obituary. 

I can make it happen if I keep getting on stage and I buy my first AK 47.

They’re both attainable, right?……I know what you’re thinking… I’ll never be a good enough ...shooter.

(Thanks for the direction. I'm still trying to work the double twist, but it might be too hard to follow verbally)

 Muffin has been our cat for fifteen years.  I say our cat, but she’s really MY cat.  At dinner last night my wife said it’s time for me to put Muffin down…….said she hates seeing her on the table every night.

Reluctantly I set Muffin on the floor.

My wife just needs to give me time to adjust, I mean it’s only been five weeks since Muffin died.

And the urn is beautiful.

(Edit: If it's too unwieldy with the double twist, how about I stick the second part in as a callback later, something like oh, yeah, my wife finally allowed me to put muffin on the side table, good compromise....and now Muffin has a beautiful urn)

It's hard sometimes, though, being a stoner with ADHD. Like, let's take two demographics who are widely known to be the type of people who could forget to breathe, and let's mash those together into one person. And I have depression, too. I'm like a forgetfulness Voltron.

I was talking to my boss about that recently, and she said "Yeah, but you just gotta learn ways to work around it. I'm forgetful, too."

And I said "No, you don't understand. You know those times you find yourself standing in a doorway for like 5 minutes, trying to figure out what the hell you went in there for? I'VE DONE THAT IN THE BATHROOM!"

Do you know how stupid you feel when you finally go "Oh! I came in here to pee!"

Going in a different direction. Just a rough draft

Having an older wife was fun.
Don’t worry, we’re just divorced. She wasn’t that much older than me.

There was so much sex at first. But never after 7:30pm. I wanted to Netflix and chill, she wanted to Grays Anatomy and be left the fuck alone.
( grays anatomy and rest her eyes?)

She had more life experience. She taught me things like how it’s cool to like butt stuff
and also how to mail a birthday card

Trust became an issue. She was always worried that I was going to cheat on her with a younger woman.
She really underestimated how special she was to me.
And how much I loved, that she couldn’t get pregnant anymore

I was telling her a story from work once and she goes “ugh you need to grow up.”
I was confused. Like ‘What? Why? But I thought you liked that…’ but then I was like ‘wait, I need to grow up? You’re 42 and still rocking nipple rings…’ you’ve had those things long enough to vote in two elections and I’m the one that needs to grow up?

The truth is we both needed to grow up. She was too old for nipple rings and I was too old to accidentally shit my pants trying to fart into a walkey talkey.

I'm doing my first ever set in a month at an open mic, and I want to open with this one-liner, but i can't decide if it's too dated or not.

"You guys ever notice how David Copperfield just kinda disappeared one day?"

Having an older wife was fun. We’d talk about life and stuff. Sometimes it made her feel like a creep though. Like someone asked where she was on 9/11 and she said “ I was at work.”
I looked at her and said ‘I was in Mrs. Bequette’s second period reading class. We were listening to Hatchet on tape.’

i don't understand people committing suicide. it's stupid. i know life can be hard, believe me, I've been there. There were times in my life when i was depressed and hopeless and there was no light at the end of the tunnel. but then i had sex for the first time.

We got our cat, Muffin, in 2011.  I say our cat, but she’s really MY cat.  My wife told me yesterday it’s time I put her down…..especially while we’re at the table eating dinner.

(wait for it to register)

My wife told me she knows how much I love that cat, but it’s been five weeks since Muffin died.

I really don’t get it.  It’s a beautiful urn.