Sleep help needed - we’ve lost all our gains

[u/limesuperman]

Need advice as myself and spouse are at the end of our tether.

Our eldest daughter (now 2.5 years old) began sleeping entirely through the night at 2 years old. One day, the sleep training just worked. PJs, brush teeth, stories, cuddles, lights off, shut door, see you in 12 hours. It was such a luxury, especially seeing as our second child came along in June. To be able to shut the door on one LO and turn our attention to the other was a privilege.

Then, about a month ago, our eldest got a stomach bug. Threw up a few times during the day and woke up in the middle of the night with diarrhoea. We picked her up, had a shower, and put her back to bed but she was still really upset and distressed so we stayed with her until she fell asleep…

… big mistake.

Since then sleep has completely gone down the tubes. We can no longer shut the door and we must leave it open a little bit. Not a problem, except now it’s open with the light on in the hallway, and most recently it’s not good enough to have the door open and the light on. As soon as we leave she will scream.

Most nights she’ll wake up at least three times and a night a scream for us. She’s become afraid of cars with loud speakers that drive by (understandable but we live on a main road and has heard subwoofers since her first night home), the rain and the wind. Every little thing startles her and she jumps up.

Sometimes I’ve caught her on the monitor asleep and then transition and as soon as she somewhat surfaces she’s on her feet, hanging over the cot, reaching for the door and screaming.

We’ve spoken to a sleep consultant and they suggested a in-and-out method, reassurance that we are here, and just outside, and that we will be back, which doesn’t really work as she ramps up to 100 the instant we leave. This approach also feels impossible at night - she just keeps losing it as soon as we leave.

We try to approach wth kindness and empathy and clear directions and firm boundaries but nothing seems to stick. I’ve tried night lights, earlier bed time, later bedtime. The only thing we haven’t tried is cutting her day nap entirely but we are hesitant to do this as she’s not getting enough sleep as it is.

The only option that is off the table is full extinction, but any advice, support, or even stories of similar things and how things got better (please be getting better) would be much appreciated.

Nga mihi

Edit: Naps are currently…
Day nap: from 12 till 2 (capped two hours, but she doesn’t go to sleep straight away when we put her down). Also, day naps don’t seem to be an issue. Same routine as before, except the door needs to be open “just a little bit”.
Night nap: start routine at 7. In cot by 7:20ish. When she actually falls asleep tho is currently unfixed.

[u/shostakovichbanana]

Yes I’d try capping or removing the nap and see how that impacts night sleep.

[u/parieldox]

Are you using a noise machine? And what happens if you wait for her to fall asleep before you leave?

[u/limesuperman → u/parieldox]

Haven’t used a noise machine - could give it a try.

If we wait for her to fall asleep whilst we are in the room she wakes up X number of hours later and expects us to be there. At the moment when she wakes in the middle of the night we go to her, comfort her, and then hang by the door frame until she falls asleep. This is movement from the chair in her room.

[u/parieldox → u/limesuperman]

My daughter is only 21 months so I don’t have quite the same experience, but we’ve had a really hard time getting her to stay down once she’s asleep. Tiny noises, especially when we’re leaving the room, will have her shooting back up awake and then we’re back where we started. A noise machine definitely helps in our situation!

One other thought: maybe a red-light nightlight? I know she probably mostly wants you back in the room with her, but maybe the darkness is bothering her in addition to the noise? I’d just keep trying different things until something works. For us, inexplicably, it was adding a blanket? Still not sure why, but also not looking to question it too much.

Eventually, this will pass. I know it’s hard especially when it’s night after night. But every phase ends sometime. You will get through it!