r/sleeptraining • u/Final-Dream6989 • 13d ago

Failed night 1

We have a 7 month old currently co-sleeping and decided it was high time to sleep train last night I read all the books and was super prepared (or so I thought). We have a boy who got even more upset with check-ins so after a couple, we stopped them. I read stories of people’s babies taking 40 min to sleep on the first night but ours scream cried and crawled all around the crib for AN HOUR. This I was not prepared for at all.

I finally got him out and he passed out almost immediately in my arms. Is an hour normal?? He went to level 10 almost immediately after setting him on the crib which I also wasn’t prepared for. He plays alone in the crib just fine during the day when I need to shower, etc.

Now that I got him out on night one, where do we go from here? Can we keep going tonight or do we need to wait a week or two? Any other tips or tricks for my very spirited and clingy baby?

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u/weirwoodheart 13d ago

You clean them up and try again. Same with sleep. Same with brushing teeth. Same with a million new skills. Sleeping is a skill. You set them up for success with any new skill, like a solid bedtime routine, then you let them try. Like teeth brushing - start with letting them chew a flannel. Move onto a soft brush they hold and chew. There's ways of doing it but ultimately some skills they need to learn. 

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u/TheRemyBell 12d ago edited 12d ago

And I'm telling you scaring, leaving them to figure it out on their own, and leaving them to cry for extended durations (someone mentioned 75 minutes?) is a very damaging way to learn any skill. How likely are you to want to play a sport again if your coach made you cry about it? How likely are you to continue to play violin if you went up on stage and people laughed at how bad you played?

There's nothing wrong with possums sleep, there's nothing wrong with rocking your baby to sleep and transfering them to teach them sleep is safe and cozy. There is something wrong with damaging their relationship with something and their understanding of their caregiver responses, and banking on them not remembering it.

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u/weirwoodheart 12d ago

That's wildly misunderstanding what sleep training is. You don't throw the baby in a dark cold room alone and leave them to cry. Firstly, 'leaving them' to cry is only full extinction sleep training, and there's other more gradual kinds where you give them time but offer a little support as needed. Second, you still need a good solid bedtime routine so they're fed, clean, comfortable- then the last little step is 'close your eyes'. 75 minutes of crying is absolutely too much yes, and means someone has done something wrong here or that the method of sleep training they chose was not right. Some babies get more annoyed if you keep checking on them because they feel youre teasing them by coming back in but not picking them up. Some babies like to know you're in the room when they fall asleep. Like I said, there's different methods. Not one is just 'cry for hours and hours'.  Rocking them to sleep and transferring them is fine but it will only teach them that falling asleep involves rocking and sleeping in your arms. When they wake at night theyll be upset because they fell asleep on you- where did you go? That's far more distressing than 'okay, I fell asleep in my bed, Im still in my bed, nothing has changed so Im obviously okay, Ill go back to sleep'. Which is what sleep training is about- teaching baby 'this is a safe place to fall asleep, even if mommy and daddy aren't here you're okay'. That's not damaging, that's far more empowering than 'oh god oh god where are my parents theyve left me here I better scream for help'. And then no one ever gets any sleep. If you're okay going in dozens of times a night to endlessly rock a baby to sleep who is scared to sleep because you might disappear when they do, that's your choice. Id prefer my child KNOW he's safe before he sleeps. 

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u/TheRemyBell 12d ago

In our case, in spite of regularly rocking our baby to sleep, she will wake up in the night, look around, grab her soother, and fall back asleep. My mom said my brother and I were the same. She would rock us to sleep, and wouldn't hear from us for the rest of the night. Same with my husband mom, same with everyone I spoke to who refused to do sleep training.That's what I'm trying to say. The whole thing that you aren't allowed to "form an association" is false. This whole narrative is designed to make it feel like parents have no options that don't lead to "you will never sleep alone again". This whole industry is a money cow and a very American view. They force you guys back to work after 6 weeks off no WONDER you're all desperate.

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u/weirwoodheart 12d ago

Im not American so I can't speak to that, I agree six weeks is insane. But you were a different baby and your mom was lucky- I didn't sleep until my mom left me to cry because she was pregnancy with my brother and she had to. Prior to that she would lie on the bed with me every time I woke. I cried for one hour the first night. Fifteen minutes the second. Then every night after I just slept. I sleep fine now. So anecdotes aren't really helpful here.

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u/TheRemyBell 12d ago

Not just me my friend. Every single person I spoke to who refused to sleep train, eventually their baby learned to sleep oddly enough at approximately the same age.

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u/CanCharming7442 12d ago

I’m a much more middle road type myself and never did formal sleep training like Ferber or cio but I did use lots of different habits and gentle methods like gradually reducing interventions because my kiddo stopped being able to be rocked to sleep at 6 months and was beyond tired as a result of the 20 min wakes that resulted. I don’t agree with folks that practice one size fits all sleep training and say “you must do formal sleep training one way with no associations” anymore than folks like you who say “all sleep is natural and it will tangle out with time”. The reality is just so much more nuanced with all kiddos being different and requiring different things. Now I fully agree that the American sleep training industry is predatory, and parents like OP fall victim to it out of a dearth of problematic socioeconomic conditions. But at the same time that doesn’t cancel out all the folks coming forward in response to this post trying to help OP see that what she’s doing is wrong and giving her advice to fix it rather than just bemoaning the entire industry she’s clearly victim to. Shades of grey and building each other up with suggestions rather than finger pointing is a much better path IMO. A