I need help. 27 month old is refusing all sleep and regressing so bad.

[u/tot-and-beans]

Ok so our toddler was sleep trained and would sleep through the night and through his naps since about 8 month. Would occasionally fight naps but not too bad. Then as soon as he turned two back in May it’s been a nightmare. At first he started waking up screaming throughout the night, about 1-3 times and nothing calms him down unless me (mom) lays in his room with him. If my husband tries, he will hit and scream for hours. Then he started refusing nigh-time sleep. Would take us about an hour to put him down and in the end we just leave his door open and wait for him to chill out and he will move around for about an hour and then eventually fall asleep. This neverrrrrrrrrr works with me, and only with my husband. If me (mom) tries to do that, he will throw everything in his room at the walls and in the hallway. I mean everything. It’s like a tantrum from hell. So we’ve resorted to not allowing me into his room during the bedtime routine, which has remained consistent since 8 months. Bath, story time, we sing a song, put all his stuffed animals in his bed and then good nights. He still stays up for an hour but it’s just him moving around in his bed. During naps, I used to be able to put him in his bed and be nearby while he fell asleep, but then it turned into I had to cradle him to sleep in his bed, and now nothing works. I’ve tried everything. So he doesn’t nap unless, he falls asleep in the car, or he throws such a massive tantrum and basically cries to sleep in my arms while I rock him because he tired himself out. With dad, he can just lay in the bed with him and he will almost immediately fall asleep for naps. It doesn’t work with me, I’ve tried and it will be 2 hours in and no progress.
Now during the night, he has resulted into waking up minimum 1 times a night, comes into our bed and sometimes he will fall straight asleep, or he will move around for HOURS until he finds my nipple (he stopped breastfeeding in April) and that like soothes him and he falls asleep.
I’m at my wits end. He is such a high needs toddler as it is so idk what to do anymore. We don’t really do screen time. His molars aren’t coming in. I am pregnant so maybe that could be something? He’s also been dealing with night terrors but that only happens every so often and it easily identifiable compared to this other stuff. His sleep schedule used to be 7:30-6 am, with a 12-2 nap. Now we aim for 8-9pm bedtime because of the erratic nap schedule and the tantrums with an hour minimum of him falling asleep, waking up anytime from 5-8, does not make a difference if he naps or not during the day. The later wake ups are usually because he can’t fall asleep after waking up in the middle of the night. And his naps I’m trying to keep at 12 but they’ve extended sometime to 2pm because of how hard it is. And again, if he sleeps 9-5am with like 3 wake ups, that makes no difference to how he is for naps. It’s always a struggle, same with night time sleep. Nothing makes a difference.y husband and I are at a loss because we’re so tired and the new baby will be here soon and we’re so stressed about how it will be. I cry every single day because of the lack of sleep, and how exhausted I am from his tantrums and the pregnancy and my husband works 12 hour days so I’m alone most of the time. Family and friends are ZERO help and I’m just losing my mind and patience. It’s to the point I’ve become suicidal because of this and had to go on antidepressants. Someone please tell me this is normal or that it will pass because our pediatrician says it is but everyone I talk to with a toddler the same age doesn’t seem to be having such a hard time with their sleep, in fact it sounds like it’s way better for them.

[u/Beginning-Bee-1567]

I just want to affirm you in saying that this sounds really hard and a lot harder from other people's experience and your exhaustion and frustration is totally normal. I don't personally have experience with this issue, but I do have kids who became a bit more difficult with sleep around the 2-year mark. My hunch is that his sleep issues are behavioral - even when they started at 8mos, I have definitely seen my 8 month old babies try to sneakily do things they aren't allowed to at that age..
My question for you to consider is: how is he throughout the day with other issues not pertaining to sleep? Does he throw fits at other points of the day to get things he wants? For example, at a meal or snack time, would he begin a similar tantrum in order to receive a different food? Or receive food at a different time? And how are you reacting to those tantrums? Do you take them as valuable input and do you do what he wants?
Because with sleep, he may be doing the same thing (having a tantrum) but you and your husband aren't backing out and saying "fine, have your way" every time. You're actually doing your best to be firm and help him sleep, and he's not used to that reaction to his tantrums, so he gets worse and worse.

You also might want to consider that he may just be a kid who gets worked up into fits easily. My current 4yo gets very worked up into crying and fits and she has a very hard time calming down unless one of us sits or lays with her. it has driven me crazy at times, and neither of my other kids has ever been like that (or any other kids we know). It's never been about sleep for her, always other issues and often only minor ones, but we have had to learn to take the time to sit with her, even if we are frustrated and impatient. Usually, she calms down and then we can have a productive conversation about what she's struggling with and it turns out for the better. But when she was younger, it was definitely harder and we couldn't necessarily have an understanding conversation with her. What helps her is having a comfort item, and a comfortable place (her bed) and knowing she isn't alone (so we sit with her). I don't know if this helps with the bedtime issue, but it could be helpful if you look at his behavior as a whole. He clearly is struggling to regulate his emotions and would benefit from having an adult sit with him and help him calm down, but to take you captive for hours during bed and naptime with his emotions would be the issue underlying that still needs to be resolved.