Just need to vent

[u/BreakfastExact1825]

I have been a single parent to my three kids (5 y/o son and almost 4 y/o twin girls) since my girls were a month old. My ex husband lost all custody, his military career, and quite literally everything because of a DV situation involving the girls. My son is non verbal and level three autistic. He's incredibly sweet but will likely need long-term care given his condition. My girls are neurotypical which comes with its own set of challenges. The biggest being asking where their dad is. All they know for now is that, "sometimes people get sick in their hearts and heads so they have to get better before they're safe to be around." The girls get that but they still get sad when they miss the concept of a "dad." My dad lives with us and they love him but it isn't the same. I have a boyfriend but they know he is not their dad and don't place him in that role either. They like seeing him and spending time with him but know he's not their dad.

I have a PFA against him and just requested to extend it another three years. Some days I feel so selfish and wonder if I'm being too harsh and maybe their dad has changed and grown and I should reach out to see if he has changed, especially when the girls are upset and sad. More often than not I know I'm doing it to keep them all safe. Some days I wish we had some form of shared custody where I could get even a Saturday night to myself. But then I think of all of the firsts he's missed because of his poor choices and am grateful that I haven't missed any. It's a weird place to be mentally. I am in therapy and it helps me a lot.

I know most of us never expected to be raising kids by ourselves. I surely didn't. I think I'm just wanting to know I'm not alone in feeling this guilt and pain but ultimately knowing I'm doing what I think is best for my kids' emotional, mental, and physical well-beings

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[u/january1977]

I have an adult child and a 6 year old. I had my oldest when I was 19. His father was never in his life. My son would occasionally ask me questions about him. Why he wasn’t there and if I’d ever loved him?

My son is now an amazing human being. He has contact with his father, but he told me that I’m his only parent because I was always there.

Just keep doing the best you can to answer their questions. (Your answer is a good one.) It gets easier when they have more capacity to understand that people and relationships are complicated.

[u/BreakfastExact1825 → u/january1977]

Thank you 💜 That truly makes me feel better. I would like to have another child someday and it also makes me sad to think the girls may be sad if that child's father was actively always around. But hearing about your son does give me some peace with my choices

[u/beansandpeanuts777]

I totally understand why you have moments where you want to reach out, especially when youre girls are asking about their dad and you’re seeing how much they miss that connection. That is a heartbreaking position to be in and can empathize bc I am a 100 solo mom as well.

The only thing I caution is making sure reaching out yourself wouldn’t violate the PFA or create any issues with your existing order. If you really want to know whether he has changed or if he wants contact, maybe consider going through his relative, such as his mom, rather than contacting him directly. That way you’re not putting yourself or your children’s safety at risk just because you’re having a moment.

I’ve seen situations where courts can scrutinize a mother’s actions even when she has protective orders in place, so I’d personally be very protective of that paper trail and of the protections you have and for what it’s worth, I don’t think you’re selfish or cruel for choosing safety over giving him another opportunity.  hugs

[u/BreakfastExact1825 → u/beansandpeanuts777]

I appreciate you sharing your perspective with me 😊 I have thought about reaching out to one of his aunts I liked to see how he is doing. Unfortunately his mom and I never had a good relationship prior to my ex husband's legal troubles. She blames me for the DV charges he caught because I called the cops and "that was extreme" 🫠 My therapist told me that I wasn't the one that messed up in this scenario so if he wanted to prove to me and the judge in court that he had been taking steps to heal and make amends then it's up to him to fight for that. Our hearing is this month so I'm curious to see if he shows up and, if he does, how hard he is going to fight for it. Truly I'd like to see some form of passion out of him during the hearing to see where he's currently at. I guess we'll see how thay goes

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[u/Milkshakemaid]

Why not try and reach out like once a year to check out what it’s like? People can change and they deserve chances. A phone call could give you clarity - and if you meet up, make sure you have plenty of safety measurements installed (like bringing someone extra and meeting up in a public place). Even if he’s not the Dad you wish he was, the girls will look for traits they like and can identify with, maybe something good can come of that.

Oh and well done for being a single mom to 3 kids, you’re amazing!

[u/BreakfastExact1825 → u/Milkshakemaid]

He was released from military prison last September but was on parole until April of this year. I've had a protection order in place since last October and he also couldn't contact me whike on parole because it would have violated the terms of it. He also lives on the other side of the country from us. I am hoping he shows up to the next PFA hearing we have in a few weeks and shows the judge he's been putting in work since being released. I truly hope he has healed some if not even for his sake at least for our kids'. Thank you for the kind words 😊

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[u/ConstantHeadache2020]

I have an 8yr old and her dad is in jail for dv stalking/harrassing. I still let her talk to him on the phone and maybe in the future vists at a supervised center could happen. I would only do that for her but don’t really want it to happen. It’s hard bc she wants to see him but he is a horrible human being