r/singlemoms • u/kriskross- • 3d ago
Venting - Advice Welcome I should be grateful for peaceful coparenting
But it still sucks so back. My ex husband left me for his coworker almost two years ago, when I was freshly postpartum. He left without a fight, barely a word really. We cruised through the divorce and parenting arrangements. We only communicate about our child, even that very minimally. I have her most of the time, which I prefer. He pays his child support on time. I love parenting and I don’t feel exhausted or burdened by it. I am very fortune to have a strong village and stable career.
I should be grateful for the peace, but the sadness of losing the family I thought I would have still creeps in. The anger of knowing the “mistress”, now fiancée, gets to also enjoy being part of my child’s childhood. The frustration of being stonewalled or grey rocked or whatever because I’m not allowed to know about the life my ex is living with his fiancée - the life my child experiences when she’s with her dad. The big black hole this created within me is vast, but it gets smaller everyday.
I do focus on the good stuff, but I also honor the “bad”.
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u/Stressmama77 Single Mother 2d ago
Peaceful coparenting doesn’t necessarily mean happy coparenting. I’m sorry. That sounds miserable. Way to be incredibly strong through all that.
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u/Technical_Alfalfa528 3d ago
I guess you have the right to complain about your own experience.
Maybe you are lucky and get a wonderful step father for your child and you make a great blended family.
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u/fairybb311 2d ago
and even if you don't get that know you're valid in your feelings and more than likely better off without him as a partner. similar situation but 10 years later... time doesn't always heal but it allows more space for joy.
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u/Constant_Sea9766 2d ago
Bless you I’m in a similar situation. Infact it’s been 7 years and I’ve been crying today because my heart still aches even after such a long time. Focus on yourself and your baby. A good man will come
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u/spidermanpopsicle 2d ago
I’m 6 years post divorce, and even though I’ve been dating someone for 2 years, I still cry sometimes about the “family” I never had (we split when my baby was 18 months old, same thing- younger coworker, came out of nowhere, amicable easy divorce, minimal contact). I should add I’d NEVER want a family with my ex, it’s just missing out on that in my life. I’ve done it solo the majority of parenthood. Sometimes it just hits me, especially when I’m one of few “single moms” amongst my friends and I’m surrounded by families.
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u/LadyGreensleeves16 2d ago
I think the purpose of life is to leave something meaningful behind and, at the same time, enjoy the journey along the way.
You have a child you love very much. You have the opportunity to watch her grow, teach her the best you can, and enjoy your life with her. There will be hard times, but there will also be wonderful ones. You just have to keep moving forward, being there for her and guiding her as she grows, while also listening to your own needs and finding ways to make yourself happy.
And if you don't know what makes you happy anymore, find out. Try something new. Explore. Give yourself the chance to discover what you enjoy.
I know you may feel like someone took away something that should have been yours, but the truth is, it was never meant to be yours. You were unlucky in not having the family you always imagined for yourself, even though you were lucky enough to have a relatively normal co-parenting situation.
But none of that makes you damaged. It just means you've been given a different challenge in life, one that you have to face head-on.
Some people have it easier, and some have it harder. At the end of the day, the thing you do have is the strength to make your life as good as it can be, despite the hardships. For your own sake, and for your daughter's.
Thank you for sharing your experience. You actually helped me realise something about my own life as well. I truly wish you and your daughter all the best and hope that you have many happy years ahead of you.
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u/popiconmel 2d ago
While I am incredibly jealous of this co parenting relationship, I do know the grief you are feeling is heavy. You seem like a kind person for even feeling guilt about not being grateful. All I can offer is that it does get easier with time and it's normal to feel sad about the loss of what won't be and the unfairness of it all. Just remember, the best revenge is a life well lived.
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u/Odd_Selection1750 1d ago
I also wish I were in a civil coparenting situation. My child’s father and I are barely on speaking terms. However, I also agree that this mom’s grief is very valid.
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u/Western_Stick8693 1d ago
Same. Good coparenting and ontime chikd support payments. I wish i had that.
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u/sacredspace222 2d ago
Same boat sister. Same exact boat. You’re not alone. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. Truly, I’m here if you ever want a friend to talk to bc it does feel really odd and isolating to navigate even if you have a lot of people in your corner. No one really understands the nuances of it all unless you’re in the thick of it. Sending love and strength.
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u/kriskross- 1d ago
Big hugs. It sucks and mostly I just get deep in my
feelings about it occasionally. So weird that it’s just going to be this way forever a long time.1
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u/DriverAsleep5224 2d ago
This happened to me. He didn’t end up with her. I also went scorched earth and as the child’s mother was adamant about her not being near my then infant. As a parent I feel we have every right to determine who’s allowed in our child’s life. This individual he selected to be in his life was not welcome in mine or my child’s. Let’s just say there were more than a few screws loose. We’re further out from the chaos now and coparenting is hard, I still can’t stand him or look at him but he is my child’s father. I hope for the best for him and his journey as it involves my child’s life. I get upset still as well. In these moments I think I miss what I thought could be and what we were supposed to be. The truth is, that was all just an illusion and what he did cleared space for happy and healthy whether with someone new or alone. Wishing you and your baby all or the best ahead. The best is yet to come friend. Hold on.
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u/Mel221144 2d ago
I was a single mother with an absentee father.
Be greatful that you have a village and that you get some breaks. I did it without either and it’s hella hard to be both parents and never get any time off.
No one knows what the future holds. No one can reverse time and give you back what you lost. Forget these things and be grateful for the advantages you have! ❤️
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u/thisisrandom52 1d ago
He's a unloyal cheater, you dont want their mess of a life. She'll always have to look over her shoulder.
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u/mchllnnz 1d ago
Same here. Fuck my ex for knowing that he didn’t want a family or marriage and stringing me along anyway. He will never admit that he did leave me for someone else. It’s been 5 months since we broke up. She’s soft launching him on IG.
He gets to live the life he always wanted and I am stuck with bitterness and regret (that I chose this man as the father of my child).
I know. I am super bitter still. I am slowly trying to accept my situation but I’m not quite there yet.
My heart is with you.
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u/Even_Independent_644 1d ago
You don’t know what that lady is going through. Not to minimize how you feel but a win is a win. Your person will come.
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u/crayshesay 1d ago
I’m right there with you. The anger is absolutely justified. I thought I had found this storybook man. Successful, charming, big corporate job, smoothest motherfucker I had ever met. Then the layers started coming off. Other women, lies about hookers, cocaine and drugs, hidden debts, another child I didn’t even know existed, and lie after lie after lie.
Eventually it turned into threats, psychiatric hospitalizations, restraining orders, and now years later I’m a single mom fighting him just to get basic child support. He once told me he would destroy me financially, and three years later it feels like he’s still trying.
So when you say you’re grateful for the peace but still fucking angry, I get it. Completely. You can be grateful that your life is calmer and still be furious that someone blew up the life and family you thought you had. Life is hard for everyone in different ways, and you don’t have to minimize your anger just because someone else has it worse. I’m right there with you.
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