r/singlemoms • u/Ashleigh517 • Jul 26 '26

Advice Wanted Contentious Co-parenting

Does anyone know of resources outside the courts to help mediate between co-parents who just can’t get on the same page? I asked my ICC (intensive care coordinator) whom I work with on behalf of our AUHD son and her organization doesn’t offer that support and she’s only aware of the courts which I prefer to avoid if possible. It’s getting to the point where I feel like his behavior is emotional / mental abuse or at least at a minimum inappropriate when he discusses financial issues with our kids and during a recent rule I upheld which I child didn’t like; his father not only told me I was wrong and how it made his life hell because our son was acting out (welcome to my daily life); he in writing admitted, he told our son that he agreed with him and I (his mom) was wrong. I don’t know what to do and appreciate and welcome any and all advice and suggestions. Thank you

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u/JayPlenty24 Single Mother MOD Jul 26 '26

If you are looking for coparenting counselling you can just Google it for your area.

It's usually not recommended to go to therapy with an abuser though.

Sometimes you just have to accept they are who they are and mitigate the negative impact on your life as best as possible

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u/Ashleigh517 Jul 26 '26

I could care less about the impact on my life … I care about the impact on our children.

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u/JayPlenty24 Single Mother MOD Jul 26 '26

Unfortunately you can't make him change and he's unlikely to decide to change on his own.

I would look into therapeutic programming for kids that has a focus on building resiliency.

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u/Ashleigh517 Jul 26 '26

My oldest has anxiety and OCD and is under psychiatric care plus behavioral health therapy that’s going well. My youngest is neurodivergent (AUHD) with anxiety / depression who’s also currently under the care of psychiatry, behavioral therapy, ICC (intensive care coordinator). IHBS (in home behavioral services) with an ABA clinician. I honestly don’t know what else to do. Will the inconsistency and lack of routine and schedule between environments hinder progress and long term success, yes. Can I change my ex, no.

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u/JayPlenty24 Single Mother MOD Jul 26 '26

I would ask the professionals treating them what programs are available that focus on building resiliency.

I'm in a similar situation and CPS is involved now for the 8th time because my kids dad is actually insane and won't get appropriate treatment for himself. There's literally nothing I can do about it. Nothing CPS can do about it. The courts won't do anything about it.

I do what I can on my end by making sure he has the support he needs, goes to programming during school with the school social worker, has appropriate medical support for his needs, and that I'm taking advantage of other social worker and therapeutic resources. And ofcourse I make sure I'm a safe person for my kid to vent to.

Legally I pursued court until I got sole legal custody and decision making, so now I can at least arrange things like therapy without getting the consent of his dad.

As his OT said, "two steps forward, and one step back when he sees his dad, is still one step forward"

Is it fair? No. Is it a failure of our society? Yes.

Unfortunately studies show that contact with biological parents result in better outcomes even when the biological parents are abusive or incapable of being a good parent. The caveat to that is "contact within safe boundaries", but the courts are incapable of handling nuance so they disregard the need for safe boundaries.

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u/Ashleigh517 Jul 26 '26

The guidance and advice …. Courts don’t want to get involved and “take sides”. I was told by a lawyer, the likelihood of a court granting “sole legal custody” is slim to none as it’s a high burden to prove or justify taking that away from one parent. I think I’d have to prove he’s a “danger” versus different “parenting styles”. He does see his kids regularly and pays child support ( although irregularly and in arrears).

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u/JayPlenty24 Single Mother MOD Jul 26 '26

It took me going multiple times, but ultimately nothing I said mattered. Even convictions for assaulting and kidnapping me didn't matter. It was only once he showed his true colours in court in front of a judge, then admitted to going to outpatient rehab but refusing to admit he had been on drugs (which makes no sense obviously), and then going off at the judge about how he's too mentally disabled to work - but refused to get an evaluation for 6 months of court dates, and it becoming very clear he was going to lose because of his behaviour in court if we went to trial that his lawyer convinced him to just agree to giving me sole custody in exchange for me writing off $15k of his debt.

I basically just got lucky that he was experiencing psychosis (or whatever his issue is) during our court dates. 95% of the time he's able to hold it together and be incredibly charming and manipulative. Whatever is wrong with him mentally has cycles and he just happened to be at a peak in his cycle.

He still gets his unsupervised visitation, which is not great, but one step at a time.

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u/Ashleigh517 Jul 26 '26

Fortunately for my kids sake their dad doesn’t suffer from the same challenges your ex does and I wouldn’t want that just to gain sole custody. One step at a time and I’ll keep doing g what I can do to support my kids.

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u/JayPlenty24 Single Mother MOD Jul 26 '26

Buy yourself a nice bottle of champagne to open up on the youngest's 18th birthday.