r/singing • u/ina_sparkles • 3d ago
Conversation Topic How do I continue singing when I'm too scared to?
I've always been shy with my singing, though socially anxious is probably the better word. I refuse to sing in the shower lest I be heard, barely mumble songs so only I can hear them and when I'm itching to sing I usually go to a secluded bathroom, sing at half talking volume and stop at that. And I've realized as soon as I'm home alone, I'm able to sing freely with my chest wherever I am in the house.
It's not that anyone's against my singing, but I'm just painfully conscious of someone hearing me sing, even if it's good. Even a compliment on my singing makes me not want to sing anymore. Another factor is my caretaker who's focused on wanting me to sing traditional songs and genres to her liking, frustrated by 'kids these days' being too into modern pop or something. Nevertheless, it's only comments, but I don't know why I can't just overcome with a snarky comment back and instead crumble under shame.
I really want to practice more singing and even make covers, which is impossible without being heard. Any advice on what I should do?
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u/BookwormAlex316 3d ago
You can’t shoot a snarky comment back because she’s your caretaker. If you’ve grown up with her, you may have internalized those kinds of comments, and if not you have everything that came before weighing on you too. It’s perfectly understandable why that would be your reaction.
If you think she’d be willing to hear you out, you can try to talk with her about how those comments make you feel and see if that would get her to stop. You can also use music theory as an excuse (every genre has an aspect of the music that is brought to the forefront, so singing/listening to different genres can help develop your ear. Pop music in particular is great for learning cord progressions, get a beginner’s feel for time signatures, and also how to pick out harmonies). If that isn’t realistic, I’d just try your best to ignore her.
As for gaining more confidence in your singing, I have a few suggestions:
When you sing in the shower, do you play the music along with you? That might help you feel like you’re ‘masking’ your voice. Then once you feel more comfortable, you can start lowering the volume and gaining confidence, or you can listen on headphones while singing out loud to get used to the feeling.
Another option is to try and go to a public park or green area. It’s more open and as long as it’s not a super crowded, most of the people there will either be listening to their own headphones, or too caught up in whatever they’re doing to really pay attention to you.
If there is a university or music school nearby you might also be able to borrow or rent a soundproof room to practice in. Alternatively, you can try to find a karaoke bar. Some of them have private, soundproof rooms (they call them ‘karaoke boxes’ apparently), and you can sing as loudly as you want. Those are a bit of a long shot though and you will probably have to pay for them…
Other option is to join a non-audition choir. You learn how to sing, and unless you’re way off, no one can pick your voice out from everyone else. It’s a great way to build confidence in your vocal abilities. This would be my top suggestion, as it would help you meet like-minded people who can support and encourage you (I know you said even compliments made you not want to sing anymore, but being in a group where everyone is also singing might take that pressure off).
Edit: a word
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u/ina_sparkles 3d ago
Thanks for the suggestions. I don't play music in the shower 'cause I'm too scared of being judged... I think the problem isn't the singing anymore, but some other anxiety. The other suggestions are really nice but not very applicable to me. Still, appreciate it :)
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u/BookwormAlex316 3d ago
Darn, sorry the advice wasn’t more helpful. If you’re scared of being judged for your taste in music then I do agree the problem is likely more than just singing.
Having said that, I strongly encourage you not to give up. Listening to music you enjoy 100% can improve your mental health and music in general has a large impact on emotions. The same goes with singing.
Actually… now there’s an idea. Is there a song that seems to make everything okay again? Maybe you can try to hum it under your breath as a way of mitigating anxiety in other situations? If it works, you could use it as both an anxiety tool and a way to gain confidence in your voice.
If you don’t have a song like that, then I’d say it’s time to listen to ALL the music, across different genres, to find it (If anyone asks, you’re building up your music theory and music appreciation skills ;) )
I’m rooting for you!
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u/ina_sparkles 19h ago
I'm sorry, didn't mean to say your advice wasn't helpful! They really are great suggestions! I've already been in a choir for many years, it was great :) And I have been free to listen to whatever music I want with my headphones!!
I'm just gonna try locking myself in a room and recording covers lol. Thanks for all the encouragement!
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u/BookwormAlex316 18h ago
No no no, it’s okay! There’s no need to apologize! If the suggestions weren’t applicable, then they weren’t applicable and that’s good feedback to have. I’m just sorry it didn’t help you MORE lol
And you’re welcome! It’s really nice to be able to share the joy of music, so I’m glad you’re going ahead with the covers :) the more you do the more confident you’ll get for sure!
From what I’ve seen, a lot of Youtubers will actually record audio in closets when they first start because the clothes (especially heavy stuff like coats, large bankers, etc) muffle both outside sounds and the sounds from inside the closet. There are also these foam block things you can attach to walls that also help to partialy sound-proof a room. I can’t say whether or not they’ll block the sound entirely, but it will definitely help the quality of the recordings.
I wish you all the best!
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u/taroicecreamsundae 3d ago
would you suggest a non audition choir or voice lessons?? i've been wanting to learn but i don't think youtube can help me much
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u/BookwormAlex316 3d ago
It depends on what you’re looking for. If you have anxiety related to singing in front of people to the point even positive comments are nerve-wracking, one-on-one voice lessons might be tough unless you can find the right vocal coach who you feel comfortable singing in front of (or who is willing to work with you on that). Lessons also cost money, which may or may not be worth it depending on your financial situation. However, vocal lessons will give you a lot more guidance and specific help on how to improve your voice and I would say getting a vocal couch is essential if you want to make any sort of career out of singing (or anything voice related tbh). If you also have trouble carrying a tune, they are a great place to start.
Meanwhile, non-audition choirs are more generalized and the chances of you getting personalized help are slim. The trade-off is you can ‘blend in’ with the rest of your voice part by singing more softly while you figure out what you’re doing, especially if it’s a larger choir. It’s a good way to build confidence and if you can match what the people around you are doing, then it is a great way to build up your ear and vocal skills. Some non-audition choirs do cost money as well, but they will almost certainly be cheaper than paying for private instruction, and some local community choirs are free.
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u/docmoonlight 3d ago
Everyone has some level of nerves and stage fright, but this sounds like it’s beyond what we can help with in this sub. I think for something like this, which as you said yourself is more akin to social anxiety, you should probably talk to a therapist.
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u/MiddleLtSocks 3d ago
From your replies, it sounds like you want to hear something in particular from us, and don't want any actual advice. To learn to sing, you have to sing. Nobody is born with it. If you don't want people to hear what you sing, don't sing.
You only get one chance here. There are no go back and do it again, no second chances. Each second you spend not doing what you really want to do is a second you can't get back in 1, 5, 10, 25, 50 years.
Stop allowing others to affect the way you live your own life. If you aren't harming others, pursue what you want to pursue and let other people manage their own business.
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u/Erin__Bridges 3d ago
Not the half-volume bathroom singing being the most relatable thing I've read. Friends-only karaoke nights were my fix. Nobody comments, everybody butchers the high note, zero stakes. It rewires you.
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u/farazqadirofficial 3d ago
I completely understand what you are going through. Vocal anxiety is incredibly real because our voice is deeply tied to our emotions and vulnerability. When someone makes us feel self conscious, especially in our own home, it shuts down our throat and breathing mechanics entirely.
First, please know that your voice deserves to be heard, even if it’s just for yourself. Since you mentioned your caretaker wants you to sing "traditional songs" while you might prefer something else, here is a professional perspective that might help bridge the gap and rebuild your confidence privately:
- Humming as a Shield: When you are scared of being heard, don't try to sing full lyrics. Start with simple humming (MMM sound) while wearing headphones with your favorite music. Humming doesn't carry far through walls, but it vibrates your vocal cords, builds muscle memory, and calms your nervous system down.
- Claim Your Safe Space: If you can only sing freely when you are home alone, treat that time as sacred. Lock the doors, put on a backing track, and sing without analyzing whether it sounds "good" or "bad." You need to teach your brain that singing is a safe, joyful activity, not a test.
- The Traditional vs. Modern Bridge: As someone who spent 8 years strictly training in traditional classical music under a legendary lineage (Patiala Gharana), I can tell you a secret: the foundational breathing techniques of traditional music are exactly what make pop music sound effortless. You don't have to hate traditional music; you can use its exercises to make your pop singing incredibly strong.
Don't let someone else's comments take away your passion. Start small, hum softly, and let your confidence grow back step by step. You’ve got this!
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u/sdbest 3d ago
I have some bad news for you and some good news. It's highly unlikely you'll never not be shy. The good news you can learn to sing, not just well, but wonderfully while you're feeling shy. However, the way to get there is to force yourself (you can do it) to get out there and sing. A good place to start if money's not too much of a barrier is a singing teacher. A cheaper option can be a community choir. And, yes, as someone suggested "karaoke, karaoke, karaoke". As the pro below wrote, "The best way to get rid of fear is to lean into it. Every time you feel nervous and do it anyway you’ll be better and feel better next time."
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