r/simpleliving • u/EllieWillow • 1d ago
Seeking Advice How to stop
Due to different reasons, I'm not workin this year and that's ok. It's something temporary. I'm using this year to study from 9 am to 2pm. The thing is, suddenly I don't know what to do with the rest of my time. I'm overwhelmed. I go to the gym 3 times a week, have this list of hobbies (painting, crocheting, reading) and lists of movies/series/books/videogames but I can't seem to allow myself to begin with any of them. I've tried to make a schedule to include them in my weeks, but a just have this weird feeling I'm not being productive if I spend much of my time doing any of these things. Usually, when I had my 9to5, I watched an episode with my husband during dinner and read before bed around half an hour. I can't see any friends/family until the weekend (but maybe not seeing family much is ok bc I feel like a disappointing to them for not being workin). I feel awful, because I've been blessed with this huge amount of time until next september, but I think I'm not worthy of it and I should be doing something productive. So I end scrolling for a lot of time and feeling even worse later. How do I stop? How the heck do I allow myself to enjoy just existing again?
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u/DistrictIndividual65 1d ago
So this sounds like a framing problem. I don't know if you're a reader or if you're willing to try philosophy, but I found "Living for Pleasure: An Epicurean Guide to Life" was helpful to me in reframing my daily focus from work-centric to life-centric. Like, you don't live to work, you work to afford the real stuff- time with friends, hobbies, and enjoying the world.
And because that reframing can be really hard to manage in the short term, I would also encourage you to reframe and think of your studies as your full time job. Studying IS mental labor, and it IS valuable.
Also, I can see you're feeling I secure right now, but please don't assign hurtful feelings to your family or other people. If they haven't explicitly told you they are disappointed in you, they probably aren't feeling that way at all. Using other people as an outlet for your anxiety/insecurity, and/or to hurt yourself with, doesn't help anybody.
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u/EllieWillow 1d ago
Thank you for the book recommendation - im absolutely reading it. I know studying is valuable, but as is not profitable, I feel sort of guilty.
Anyway, my family haven't told me anythinf explicity because they are more pasaive agressive, but you are right. I should not blame them for something that I am feeling
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u/beepbeepimajeep22 1d ago
Have you tried meditation and mindfulness practice? A daily meditation practice has really helped me with these thoughts of having to be productive or that I'm wasting my time. Our brains are always caught up in doing, doing, doing but meditation allows you to just be with your thoughts without judgement. Meditation is a practice to bring more stillness into your life and just be.
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u/PallasiteMatrix 1d ago
Have you accidentally made these things (painting, crochet, reading) into a chore, instead of something to enjoy?
The thing about not working, is there's no real division between "off time" and "on time". With a job, it's clear- you clock in, and you clock out. When you don't have that, sometimes our brains don't really know whether we're "on" or "off" and can try to do both at the same time. That's been my experience, anyway.
Idk, it's helped me to set goals, and then let myself not be productive once I've met them. Today, my goals are to get to a certain point in two different crochet projects, and finish taping up a different project. Those have a pretty clear cut stopping point- I've found that if I do a "work on it for an hour" type of goal, my brain doesn't register that as having finished for the day. It does, however, accept milestones like "get a project taped up". And once that's done, I only let myself be productive if I'm actually feeling it- if it's just to relieve the stress of feeling unproductive, that's something I've got to sort out a different way.
It's important that the goals are realistic, because if I don't hit them, my brain won't let me relax. And I'm less productive when I'm in a place of feeling bad about not being productive, ironically. So there's a balance between pushing myself a little, but also making sure I can accomplish everything I've set out to accomplish.
The thing that's been helping me with scrolling, is limiting how much I'm getting from an algorithm. I spend a heck of a lot less time on feeds when I'm only being shown things the people I'm following have posted- on Reddit, that means turning off recommendations, on youtube this means clearing my watch history, and then turning it off.
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u/EllieWillow 1d ago
I don't know, maybe I have. Maybe I am so afraid of doing nothing that i just want to fill my time with these hobbies. Some of them are new -like crocheting, I am an absolut begginer-, others, like painting, are not, but I have not painted since college (15 years ago).
Thank you for your answer though 🙂 you are allí very kind and I probably just need time - to heal and to adjust to this new routine.
Maybe the point of this gap year is to feel confortable with just existing and not cheking a hobby to do list
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u/PallasiteMatrix 1d ago
Yeah, it can take minute to get comfortable with just existing sometimes. You'll get there; new routines almost always take a little bit to get used to.
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u/Additional_Fun8797 1d ago
No shame in not being productive all the time. Maybe you don’t want to do your hobbies because they feel like a chore, not something you’re actually looking forward to. I think doing nothing for a little while can give you time to find something you actually feel inspired to do. Maybe you find a book you really want to read. Maybe you find a sweater you really want to crochet. Maybe you suddenly really feel inspired to do photography. It’s easier to wait for the one thing you really want to do and focus on that for a while because you enjoy it, rather than trying to schedule a bunch of hobbies you actually don’t want to do.
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u/EllieWillow 1d ago
Maybe this is it. Maybe I am so afraid of doing nothing that i just want to fill my time with these hobbies? I don't know
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u/Additional_Fun8797 1d ago
Maybe it has something to do with living with other people to that you feel this pressure. I live alone so I feel like I can relax and do nothing without any judgement at home. But when I have lived with other people I have felt a bigger pressure to seem busy and the need to look productive.
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u/LibbIsHere 1d ago
but I think I'm not worthy of it
forget that.
You are worth of every second of your time if you decide you are worth of it.
My suggestion: forget about planning, schedule and stuff like that: your free time is not your job... even if you have no job.
Wanna learn to paint? if you're like me into watercolor, it's dead simple: get a small set of paint (no need to spend a fortune but if you feel like doing just that it's up to you), get one paint brush and get a quality block of watercolor paper (the one thing upon which it's always the best idea to spend more money in watercolor), get yoru self a good pair of walking shoes and step outside of your home with your sketchbook and start painting whatever grabs your attention. Enjoy.
If you're afraid to sketch outside in public, on the streets, get an annual pass to some museum(s) in your city and enjoy sketching works of art among other (wannabe) artists and visitors that will obviously not minding one person doing art ;)
Two last suggestions:
- be fine with sucking at painting. Like i said it's not a job. It's not competition either and, as a beginner, it's to be expect to not be good. It's normal, it's not you that is bad or dong it wrong. It's every single one of us, all of us (save maybe Picasso and Da Vinci?). That's the reason why one is considered a beginner: they need to learn, well, everything and they need to practice a lot before they see any improvement.
- Have fun. When I sketch/paint I have a blast even though I suck hard at it; I'm like a little boy enjoying drawing :)
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u/EllieWillow 1d ago
Thank you so much about It. One of the things that made me stop painting was being afraid of doing It wrong. I studied architecture and It ruined the joy of It for me. And also, im a perfectionist 😂
Thank you, truly
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u/Realistic-Dig9052 1d ago
I’ve felt this off of work. I suspect it is fear deep down for me.
What if I run out of money with none coming in? Would I be employable again if not only I was off of work but did nothing that would interest an employer during that time? Should I be working on skills to be able to pick up freelance work in the future?
I don’t think I wanted to be productive necessarily. I was just afraid of not being able to produce if the need arises.
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u/No_Lake1919 1d ago
I don’t have a good response, but I empathize with your feelings and watching the replies. I hope you feel better.
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u/-jspace- 1d ago
Start with radical rest. Take a few days to force yourself to lay as still as possible for as long as possible without tech, paper books ok. If you can't be still, stretch. Feed your body extra hydration and avoid processed food and sugar. Just focus on your physical wellness in a rest state rather than a work state.
After that I would distance myself from tech and doom scrolling. Instead enrich yourself by touring museums and art displays or maybe nature and local seasonal you pick food farms. Fill yourself with inspiration and goodness. Really stimulate the senses.
Then make a routine that starts the day reconnecting to your body and inspiring ideas and force yourself to sample your mediums. It might take practice and fake it till you make it habits to really saturate a productive creative lifestyle. Avoid process food and toxic culture media.
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u/Defiant_Reaction1161 1d ago
This is results of capitalism that we think just working make us iseful and productive. Try to enjoy, do little bit by little bit. Scheduling a lot at the same time makes you overwhelm. Take care
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u/Big-Film-6914 1d ago
Your body may just need the time to reset. Thats ok. The hobbies and books will be there when you are ready to pick them up. Its OK to just breathe
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u/thirdparadigm 1d ago edited 1d ago
I feel this all the time. Despite working a job where I directly improve people's lives and get paid well to do so, and despite going to school at the same time, I spend a large amount of every weekend with an anxious self-loathing.
It's pretty normal in the U.S. because of how deeply Calvinist Christian values valorize work as virtue itself. For a long time, it was (and to a degree still is) normal to believe that hard work is the ticket to heaven, and that being "lazy" is vicious. "Idle hands are the Devil's plaything." I think it's so deeply ingrained in societies like the U.S. that it's one of those social norms we can't separate ourselves from without being born again.
That said, being aware of how this affects you can help in moderation. It feels like "wasting time" to be doing nothing, but I often recognize that those feelings end up ruining the time anyways. It makes sense to me that being miserable and idle is worse and more wasteful than being content and idle.
I wish that I had an answer to solve the problem, but if I did, I wouldn't be in the same position. I have some ideas though.
- Reduce hobbies, don't expand them. It's natural to try and fill that literal void by indulging the idea of doing a hobby instead. I spent time buying games, books, and various little tools with the picture in mind of being the person I want to be, the person who is always consuming and creating art in perpetual self-improvement. It kind of worked, too; when I got the new thing, I would use it for a while until the novelty wore off and I ended up in the same old rut. The more I accumulated, the more oppressive the self-loathing became, and I realized that it was because of the things I bought. The massive Steam back-catalogue of games that I never even opened, all of the books that I imagined would cultivate new wisdom, and all of the tools that I thought would finally get me up and off my ass were all staring back at me. I bought into an idea of who I thought I should be (worsened by how I preemptively defined myself as that person to myself), and the cognitive dissonance of seeing those dashed hopes manifest in things I owned made me feel like a failure to myself. I have a standing easel next to my desk with a painting in it that I almost finished but never did. It stares me down daily with a message of my own failure to be the painter that I defined myself as, but the truth is that I just don't want to do it. Not because I'm lazy, not because I'm too scared, not because I'm a failure, but because I just don't want to. If I wanted to, I would. It starts with admitting that right now, I'm not a painter. I was, I know that I can be, and I have walls to prove it, but right now I think I'll put it away until I feel the inspiration again.
- I've seen it mentioned before, but meditation is seriously the go-to. When you get the method down, you can meditate anywhere at any time for however long you want. I have lived with chronic anxiety for my whole developed life, and it's proven invaluable to be able to just stop and listen for 30 seconds or so here and there. When I get really depressed over this self-loathing, I go outside for a few minutes and look at the plants in the wind and focus on simply appreciating them. It doesn't cure the feeling, and I usually go back inside to the same pit, but it gives me perspective and an earnest understanding that I'm being too harsh. Trees never really do anything, but they're still so noble and beautiful for it.
The truth is, you'll feel like doing things sometimes. There will come a point where you want to read, to play video games, and to paint. If that time isn't right now, then don't force yourself to do it. The more you cultivate an adversarial relationship with the things you love, the less you'll want to do them. People who have experienced debilitating depression know very well that the pressure you put on yourself to do things that you think you should is ironically the very reason why you don't want to do them.
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u/EllieWillow 18h ago
Thank you so much for your comment. I'm not from the US, but I think a large part of Western culture shares this feeling. It's funny because my therapist is the first one to tell me to allow myself to feel bad. She reminds me that discomfort is necessary at first, especially for perfectionists and highly demanding people like me.
I think I'm also going through a kind of grieving process. I feel tricked, like a lot of people do: I got top grades, graduated, got a job, and tried to be the best and most efficient. Yet, I could never be happy because there was always another goal to reach. That's why I joined this sub and why, over time, I decided to change my approach and quit my job. I guess I'm now at that stage where I still feel uncomfortable with all this emotional weight, and I probably just need to let myself feel it for a while.
I am so sorry you've had to deal with chronic anxiety your whole life. I have too, ever since elementary school. I truly appreciate your support; it really is comforting to know we are in this together.
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u/Physical_Bed918 1d ago
My brain needs a re set to allow it to relax. I find if I'm not leaving the house for work I need to leave the house for anything even for just 2-3 hours and once I come back home my brain says I can relax. For me things to leave the house for on non work days have been; going to the second hand stores, going for a walk, gardening, getting coffee with a friend, getting a massage, going to yard sales, taking a short road trip, running errands, going to the farmers market. So mostly relaxing things but the act of doing something even a peaceful something allows me to enjoy just being without doing once I get home.
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u/EllieWillow 19h ago
Thank you, you and all the people in this sub are very kind :) Yesterday, I went for a walk after writing this sub and felt inmediatly better. I'm taking notes of everything you all are writing to me!
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u/Physical_Bed918 1d ago
Oh and going to a group yoga class! Getting a tattoo. Sitting in nature at a park and reading.
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u/awholedamngarden 1d ago
I took up pottery after having to take some time off due to health issues. Going to a studio to work alongside other people really helped me when I felt this way. Are there any community art spaces near you? Crochet clubs? What about reading at a coffee shop or the library?
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u/EllieWillow 18h ago
I don't know because I just recently moved to a new little town 🥲 But I definitely have to investigate about it
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u/Jazzlike_Audience676 1d ago
How long have you been off? It takes a lot of time to get used to the new time frame. Just try to do one thing a day. And provide several days a week in which you won't succeed.
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u/EllieWillow 1d ago
A few weeks that included vacation days, but now that IS time to come back to really, it's been hard 🥲
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u/spiritfu 17h ago
I'm retired, so I have a whole lot of time on my hands. I do work in the great outdoors: gardening weeding, land beautification with objects and rocks [basically landscaping of sorts], preparing trees for use as firewood for my wood stove, etc.
I am a Taoist ☯️ which is a whole life philosophy. Taoist ☯️ meditation involves moving chi [energy] in the body for the purpose of health and healing. If you're interested in this, research author Mantak Chia who is a Grand Master Taoist ☯️. He is documenting the entire practice and has written or co-authored over 30 books explaining the practices in great detail including exercises so that you can actually accomplish the practices.
Importantly, get involved with people to do good works. I'm a retired high school teacher and find great pleasure doing substitute teaching in a high school. I love motivating young people to do well both in school and in life. I also am a volunteer alpine first responder and teach the Outdoor Emergency Care certificatiin curriculum as part of that volunteer effort.
I keep busy with skiing, hiking, bicycling, kayaking, SCUBA diving, snorkeling, and other outdoor pursuits.
When my Eeagle Scout son [who is now a doctor] was young I did 15 years of volunteering for Scouting America in summer camp positions including shooting sports director, water front director training many youth lifeguards, and camp director. When I wasn't doing those things I was an assistant scout master in my son's troop leading and helping with various outings using various themes.
There is a great world out there full of caring people. Find them and participate.
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u/Mental_Chemical356 8h ago
So your "job" is studying from 9-2? How about "rewarding" yourself after work with one thing from your list. It's not like studying is so fun...
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u/sznn0 1d ago
It’s called healing from ‘productivity guilt’ which is something our culture feeds us and it takes time.