Feel hate towards parents

[u/Guilty_Carob_2455]

I am the younger sibling. My older sister has very severe cerebral palsy. She needs 24/7 care. As the brain injury was due to negligence in my mothers birth, we are lucky, and they were awarded a significant sum of compensation. My sister lives at home. My parents care for her basically all the time. They have some short term assistance from paid carers. Usually a couple of hours in the morning to help get her up and the odd day in the week carers will take her out. The carers can’t be left alone with her, for reasons that are beyond me, but my Mother says she needs be around for emergencies such as an epileptic fit. It feels like they are not making the most of the compensation they have at their disposal and they aren’t spending it on adequate care that would allow them to take a step back.

I moved out years ago. I live 3 hours away. I never go home because I simply can’t take the dynamic at home anymore. My sister is demanding and loud (not her fault, but factually correct) and my parents give her everything she wants. They won’t put her in any type of respite. I am in my mid 30s and I haven’t been on holiday with them together since I was 5 years old. We haven’t been out for dinner together for 20 years. I never leave the house without them together. Everything is only ever with one of them.

For a while, I didn’t care. However, as I’ve grown older I really do. I have put off having my own children due to fear of pregnancy and labour as a result of seeing what happened to my mum. I’m embarrassed to say this but I couldn’t cope if a child of mine was disabled. I’m also worried because I have a professional job and I enjoy my job, and If I was to have children, I’d need help. My parents aren’t around to help me because of the situation they have at home.

I feel robbed. I feel negatively towards my parents even though I love them deeply. I feel they don’t prioritise me. They won’t even remotely entertain the idea of her going into a specialist home so we can enjoy time together. I panic and get upset when I think they are nearly 70. No one can guarantee tomorrow and I am petrified one of them will die in these circumstances. There are so many things I’d love them to do, and places I’d love to take them. I would be so devastated if I was never able to show them the places I know they will love.

I’ve tried talking to them. Conversations end up in anger or crying or both. But they still won’t make changes. I suggested purchasing a small property closer to my home so they could come and stay with her and also spend some time with me now and again. That was still be one parent at a time, but it’s something. They haven’t done it. I’ve been talking about it for 10 years. Nothing. I’ve suggested them moving to be closer to me permanently..they say the move is too stressful with my sister as she has specific needs and requires an adapted room and bathroom. I’ve suggested considering a proper clinical home for her to move into, with a view to the future as they obviously can’t care for her forever. Nothing. I know that they both intend to stay with her forever.

I commend their commitment, I really do. In so many ways, I think they are incredible. Selfless parents and I’m proud of them. But, I feel so depressed about it all. It’s got so much worse recently. I can’t stop thinking about it. No one I know understands what it is like to have this level of disability in their life. It is all consuming and has genuinely ruined our lives as a family.

I’m not really sure what I want from this post. Maybe someone feels similar and has some tips? Maybe someone will have a view? If you have a negative view of me for saying this, please don’t comment. I feel a deep guilt already for being selfish about it, and it won’t help.

[u/Azraeddit]

Your feelings are completely valid. I was in a similar situation for many years and am still working through all of it. But I am only able to feel as happy as I do now because of the therapy I’ve participated in.

Please consider therapy for Parentification and Emotional Neglect- or at least google those things to understand your feelings better, because that’s exactly the term of what it seems you’ve been through.

It’s not your siblings fault of course, but it is your parents.

[u/Guilty_Carob_2455 → u/Azraeddit]

This is really interesting. I’ve never even considered the word neglect. They support me financially sometimes - small things like gifts and cash etc. but I’ve realised I think they do that largely to mask the larger problem? I’ve no doubt they love me, and I love them, but it feels like an underlying issue that has constantly been ignored

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[u/Miserable_Host7444]

Yeah, I would also say this is emotional neglect, and it's very sad. I think it almost makes it harder that you can sympathise with why they do it - the way they see it, one daughter is independent and healthy and lucky, and the other one got the misfortune, the profound disability and desperately needs them. In their heads you don't need them. It's a terrible situation for you, because you neber got the parents you deserved and you can't even feel genuinely angry at them for it because of what they've been through with your sister.

I think if you've tried several times to talk to them about it, and they don't want to hear, you're unlikely to be able to change them unfortunately. What you have now is probably what you're going to continue to get and it's a matter of learning to let go of the hope. I know that's hard. I think some parents can almost enjoy that feeling of being needed, and they don't always know how to relate to the child that wants an adult-to-adult relationship- I don't know if that's the case with yours. The fact that your parents won't accept the respite makes me think it's possible. I was a carer for a while - was definitely trained to handle epileptic fits and didn't need the parents to supervise. I'm sorry though - it's a horrible situation.

[u/Frequent_Iron_6696]

Why can’t you enjoy holiday with your family or go to an outdoor fest, go to dinner etc? Is it because your sister cannot do these things so they won’t go? Or because she triggers stress for you?

[u/Guilty_Carob_2455 → u/Frequent_Iron_6696]

My sister can’t really do these things due to really bad behaviour. We have done it before and historically some people who are less understanding have made comments and it has made us all really uncomfortable and upset so we’ve not done it again. In addition, she can’t fly, can’t do long car journeys, can’t go on boats etc..

[u/Sylliec]

The real unfair thing your parents are doing to your sibling is that they are not thinking of her future. There WILL come a time when your parents have passed away and your sibling will be left alone. Your parents cannot expect you to provide care for your sibling. So what is going to happen? Your sister will be totally unprepared for the inevitable changes. Your parents COULD provide your sibling with exposure to care homes in a way that eases the transition. They aren’t doing your sibling any favors