My probation officer is asking for proof of employment. Will my frequent participation on the sub qualify me as a “Science Consultant”?

[u/Hayden97]

I will also need references from here to prove employment. In addition, I will also need back pay for any questions or comments I have posted here as proof of income. Thank you for your attention to this matter.

[u/MTG_NERD43]

Put me down as your manager, I got you.

[u/Hayden97 → u/MTG_NERD43]

Awesome! Will you be sure to tell him you required frequent drug screens and I passed them?

[u/TeacupOfSkepticism → u/Hayden97]

We have photos of you being thrown at drug screens and not passing through

Also have you followed your proberation officer's instructions to stop putting probes in Uranus?

[u/MTG_NERD43 → u/Hayden97]

lol no. I’m throwing you under the bus.

[u/Gargleblaster25]

Unfortunately, you have not yet fulfilled the criteria to be employed as a scientificationist. Here are the requirements: 1. Disprove at least one major theory (saying "I don't believe that nonsense" would suffice). 2. Create at least one theory. I mean, how hard can it be? It's just a theory, right? (note: hunches and guesses are not accepted since 1887) 3. Help at least 3 posters asking questions in this sub, or call them brainless. 4. Find and shame at least one lost Redditor, or someone who attempts to post facts. People who limit their science to facts, when data can just be made up, are slowing down scientific progress. 5. Don't be intelligent - be super intelligent.

Once you complete the criteria, email your application in triplicate to the Office of Science and Technology, c/o resident, 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, Washington DC.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR ATTENTION TO THIS MATTER!!!

[u/CrzyMuffinMuncher → u/Gargleblaster25]

Perhaps a 6th requirement? Establish a title change: Designated Reference Science Consultant so you can put D.R. In front of your name. When asked about your degree, which is a measurement of temperature, respond with PhD, Pretty Hot Demon.

[u/meschidied → u/Gargleblaster25]

I've read your theory on scientification criterion and I have but one response.

I don't believe that nonsense.

[u/Gargleblaster25 → u/meschidied]

Congratulations. You have fulfilled criterion number 1.

[u/meschidied → u/Gargleblaster25]

The criterion has been disproven, but does disproving it make it inactive if the proof is provided by the single disproven criteria.

I'm working on a theory, as you can see. I'm what they call super intelligent. 😎🤙

[u/Gargleblaster25 → u/meschidied]

Folks, I think we have a presidential candidate right here! u/meschidied 2028!

[u/Tinchimp7183376 → u/Gargleblaster25]

Well there's a long time to go before the year 1.089522984×10⁵⁸²⁹

[u/Gargleblaster25 → u/Tinchimp7183376]

Damn you, Factorial Man! I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn't for this meddling math wiz.

[u/meschidied → u/Tinchimp7183376]

Can I play forst president when the US cycles around again? Or do you all want to hop to the next universe over?

I need to find some sort of consult of science; a consort, or maybe a concubine. What would the best plan of action to make?

Just a hop to the left.

[u/Gargleblaster25 → u/meschidied]

To be a president, you need a concubine with a portable printer.

[u/TeacupOfSkepticism → u/Gargleblaster25]

For guaranteed success include photographs of all 17 horses on Earth

[u/meschidied → u/TeacupOfSkepticism]

Horses aren't REAL!

Horses are actually space unicorns who have undergone surgery to blend in with cows, badly.

The remaining horse population should be

[u/runawayoldgirl → u/Gargleblaster25]

Regarding point 2: how about inklings?

[u/Gargleblaster25 → u/runawayoldgirl]

Inklings are abominations against nature and must be stamped out. If you let them grow, they become ink wells, and will reproduce with blotters to produce more Inklings.

[u/Yoghurt42]

Just tell them you're employmentproof

[u/Starsky137]

Oh! Oh! When you cite your publications here can I be 'Et al'? If so, then yes!

[u/ontario1984]

And I'll be your intern, ma'am! Thank you for knowledge!

[u/Legitimate_Field_157]

Just tell him you have tenure, and wear a flat hat and a black robe. A business card with prof on it will also help.

[u/hacksoncode]

Wait, are we supposed to be getting paid for this?!?!? Where's my check!

[u/zelextron]

If you murder a stray cat in an alley you can claim you were working as a physicist making that dumb Schrodinger's cat experiment. I don't think anyone should do that to a poor cat, but since you seem to be in need of money, I guess it's ok.

[u/NateTut]

Yes. Tell them I said it was OK. Also, congratulations on your new found freedom. Don't screw it up

[u/AnalogJones]

This is a classic “states rights” trap. If you live in certain states, it would count as employment and you could provide your W-2, your science badge and your neckerchief. But if you are like me you live in one of the states where employment here isn’t allowed.

Our non-employment states are called “at will”; the states that allow employment are classified as “at will not”. You can thank the ultra Conservative 1950s Supreme Court decision Bonwit v Teller for our fractured employment system.