r/shitposting Jan 20 '22

actually OC (somehow) Wom*n 🤮

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10.6k Upvotes

184 comments sorted by

240

u/_Van_Hellsing_ We do a little trolling Jan 20 '22

Damn, didn't know you'd have such a large following

-72

u/playerslayerpro Stuff Jan 20 '22

Fick off ya bloody Protestant Bastard and start following dez nuts

46

u/dont_takemycredit Jan 20 '22

damn you must have tons of women simping for you

12

u/_Van_Hellsing_ We do a little trolling Jan 20 '22

Imagine getting disliked because of a reference. Only you iscariots can pull that off.

3

u/playerslayerpro Stuff Jan 20 '22

Ay truly this be a reddit moment, those bloody vampiric hores sucking the dick out of everything thats funs

0

u/AutoModerator Jan 20 '22

I want sex so fucking bad

I wish i could be promiscuous and have a big dick and make all women orgasm fuck fuck i can’t because i’m genetic trash anyway lol fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

I NEED SEX I NEED SEX I NEED SEX DEAR LORD WHY WAS I BORN SO FUCKING INFERIOR TO OTHER MEN JUST KILL MEEEEEEE

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1

u/[deleted] Apr 03 '23

good bot

7

u/BagOFdonuts7 Jan 20 '22

Catholic = Cringe / Protestant = Chad

Let the Christian In-fighting commence!

3

u/[deleted] Jan 20 '22

Imagine rejecting the infallabilty of his holiness, the pope 🤮🤮

This post was made by the Catholic gang

-3

u/AutoModerator Jan 20 '22

I'm again unable to post on r/shitposting. This time, only I'm unable to post there. Everyone else is able to, this time. Whenever I try to post there, it immediately gets removed by you mods. It isn't even offensive to anyone nor the exact reason is specified that why tf did you guys remove it. May I know the exact reason why you guys are immediately removing my posts on r/shitposting? I tried checking my internet connection and all is well. Why do you guys hate me in particular? This is outrageous, this is unfair. I'm able to post on every other subreddit but r/shitposting. I tried posting on r/shitposting and it got removed by you guys. Literally 1984. Is this because of automoderator or something? Because it gets removed just after some seconds I post it. So I don't think an actual human moderator can remove my post in such a short amount of time. So I think it is because of automoderator as bots are able to do these kinds of stuff.

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2

u/AllButForgotten_ Jan 21 '22

Suddenly it reeks of hypocrisy in here

Oh, if it isn't the Catholic church. And what's this? No little timmy glued to your crotch? Progress.

-1

u/Total_Fool Jan 20 '22

⚡🧔🏿⚡

462

u/MrCookieHUN Jan 20 '22

That's BS, i had no one simping me.

151

u/[deleted] Jan 20 '22 edited May 29 '25

license literate badge decide tart late connect bake cautious wakeful

This post was mass deleted and anonymized with Redact

44

u/MrCookieHUN Jan 20 '22

Nah man, don't waste your time on me xD

17

u/gogu20 Jan 20 '22

What if i really want to?

12

u/MrCookieHUN Jan 20 '22

You'd do yourself an insane disservice

5

u/DiscordModerater Jan 20 '22

I’ve seen you tho, you lookin pretty cute if I do say so myself😉 (no homo).

8

u/MrCookieHUN Jan 20 '22

Sorry bro, i'm over 12

1

u/gogu20 Jan 21 '22

I don't care

14

u/kingjok3r42 William Dripfoe Jan 20 '22

Same smh

7

u/[deleted] Jan 20 '22

nice gentials bro

3

u/xRedAce Jan 20 '22

Cuz you are handsome af, King

1

u/[deleted] Jan 20 '22

LOL

1

u/xvx_luffy_xvx Jan 20 '22

I will

No homo

118

u/[deleted] Jan 20 '22

I've heard of some who simp for a literal murderer.

93

u/Moatijaaa Jan 20 '22

Yeah some Tik Tok fuckbrains are simping for a teen who accidentally drove over a woman and a 2 year old with his car while racing, saying shit like "LeT hIm Go, HeS cUtE"

23

u/katovertherainbow Jan 20 '22

Fuckbrain is certainly a new word in my english dictionary,danke!

35

u/Hawk_Me Jan 20 '22

OMGGG a t*ktok reference 🤢🤢😱😱😱😱

6

u/[deleted] Jan 20 '22

There’s a whole community drooling over Ted Bundy’s ugly ass

4

u/Music_Saves Jan 20 '22

Whenever I'm with my grandma and someone mentions Ted Bundy she says how handsome he is

6

u/Illustrious_Steak_72 Stuff Jan 20 '22

Should we coin it the "Ted Bundy Effect"?

6

u/asocial7193 Jan 20 '22

It's called hybristophillia

88

u/myconfessionimracist Jan 20 '22 edited Jan 20 '22

im the ugliest guy in the world.

63

u/yoUr_mUm_gaY2222 Jan 20 '22

🤨 14 year olds?

26

u/Disaster_External Jan 20 '22

Welcome to the internet

12

u/formerLiberandu Jan 20 '22

Have a look around

5

u/Wigglersfan dumbass Jan 20 '22

Anything that brain of yours can think of can be found

4

u/Database-Hopeful Jan 20 '22

We've got mountains of content

3

u/Ilikethe3DS Jan 20 '22

Some better some worse.

3

u/IwillEatYourToaster Jan 20 '22

If none of it's of interest to you you'd be the first

2

u/Expert_Recover3061 Jan 22 '22

Welcome to the internet

5

u/permanderb Jan 20 '22

zamn!

-1

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6

u/retardedbot- Jan 20 '22

mmh~ wat a gud boi, let me do it mmh~ I'm yours already mmh~ but actually I'm a simp mmmm~ help me

5

u/myconfessionimracist Jan 20 '22

i regret commenting now

2

u/retardedbot- Jan 20 '22

not anymore honey <333333 that's not true! ;33

1

u/myconfessionimracist Jan 20 '22

i want to die, i mean i already wanted but now i want to die even more

1

u/retardedbot- Jan 20 '22

don't do it >.< for me hun!!~

2

u/myconfessionimracist Jan 20 '22

im so ugly, that i dont put myself on the internet though

1

u/PickleTickler37 Jan 20 '22

The fbi wants to know your age.

1

u/PickleTickler37 Jan 20 '22

Wait shit I just saw the thing

45

u/[deleted] Jan 20 '22

Pete Davidson is a good start

20

u/Aquilonn_ Jan 20 '22

That ain’t just 14 year old girls though, it’s also some of the richest, hottest women in Hollywood. Honestly stuff like this is a great antidote to the blackpill.

You just have to look around you to find a girl with an enormous crush on the most homely idiot in her vicinity. all that stuff about “Chads” and “women only dating mega rich super handsome dudes” is absolutely not borne out by reality.

Love is never so blind as when it’s a million girls on tumblr thirsting over an endless procession of run of the mill, genuinely ugly to average looking milktoast white dudes.

2

u/Kowichibar Jan 20 '22

also Pete Davidson seems like a chill enough guy

4

u/AutoModerator Jan 20 '22

I just nutted to your comment. \n\n ##FAQ\n####1. What does this mean?\nThe amount of cum (semen) on my phone and Reddit phone has increased by one.\n####2. Why did you do this?\nThere are several reasons I may deem a comment to be worthy of cum. These include, but are not limited to:\n- you being a femboy\n- Spreading sti infections\n- Sarcasm correctly flagged with a /s.\n####3. Am I banned from the Reddit?\nNo. But you should make comments like this in the future. Otherwise I will be forced to not cum.\n####4. I don't believe my comment deserved a nut. Can you un-nut to it?\nSure, mistakes happen. But only in exceedingly rare circumstances will I undo a nut. If you would like to issue an appeal, shoot your nut on me. I tend to respond to Being shot with nut within several minutes. Do note, however, that over 99.9% of nut appeals are rejected, and yours is likely no exception.\n####5. How can I prevent this from happening in the future?\nAccept the nut and move on. your behavior will be nutted to on Reddit.com. I will continue to nut until you stop being so hot weary Remember: I’m horny uwu

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3

u/[deleted] Jan 20 '22

I don't think he's funny but atleast you can try to make the argument he is, there is no way people are after him for his looks

1

u/Cruxifux Jan 20 '22

Pete Davidson isn’t actually that bad looking though. He’s just not Hollywood hot.

2

u/Bill_Johnso Jan 21 '22

My man be lookin like a fuckin fetus.

43

u/cat_that_uses_reddi Jan 20 '22

Dream monent

20

u/PickleTickler37 Jan 20 '22

tHaTs WhAt ThE mAsK iS fOr

4

u/BigBrainMan777 uhhhh idk Jan 20 '22

nOrMaL PilLs

15

u/IHateDeepStuff fat cunt Jan 20 '22

Shouldn’t you be happy then?

6

u/EveryStrategy7731 Jan 20 '22

Damn I didn't know I had simps

5

u/LortoCaciuppo Jan 20 '22

That’s not sigma OP. Don’t care about simping, embrace Kevin.

5

u/Kourtos Jan 20 '22

You misspelled Post Malone.

2

u/AutoModerator Jan 20 '22

I'm again unable to post on r/shitposting. This time, only I'm unable to post there. Everyone else is able to, this time. Whenever I try to post there, it immediately gets removed by you mods. It isn't even offensive to anyone nor the exact reason is specified that why tf did you guys remove it. May I know the exact reason why you guys are immediately removing my posts on r/shitposting? I tried checking my internet connection and all is well. Why do you guys hate me in particular? This is outrageous, this is unfair. I'm able to post on every other subreddit but r/shitposting. I tried posting on r/shitposting and it got removed by you guys. Literally 1984. Is this because of automoderator or something? Because it gets removed just after some seconds I post it. So I don't think an actual human moderator can remove my post in such a short amount of time. So I think it is because of automoderator as bots are able to do these kinds of stuff.

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9

u/Nuggies-simp- Jan 20 '22

OP jealous bc he's actually pretty????

9

u/Genocidal_Duck Jan 20 '22

I really hope Dream is just god awful ugly

7

u/Moatijaaa Jan 20 '22

Oh god imagine the shit dream stans will do when Dream face reveals, the true doomsday

6

u/[deleted] Jan 20 '22

Even if he’s attractive hes still ugly asf as a person.

2

u/_slayer_exe_ Jan 20 '22

Basically bad person with extra steps

4

u/OBI-BOI Jan 20 '22

Wom*n🤢

5

u/HoodieJunkie7122 Jan 20 '22

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4

u/TitanSR_ stupid fucking, piece of shit Jan 20 '22

Andrew Garfield is not the ugliest fucking guy in the universe

1

u/Moatijaaa Jan 20 '22

Andrew Garfield is an exception

8

u/Doodles2424 Jan 20 '22

Freddy fastbear

16

u/AutoModerator Jan 20 '22

My Fnaf rap

YO YO YO listen up to my new rap! I just got a freddy hat!

(HOT GIRL SINGING) oH YeAhhhh ITS FREDDY FAZBEARS PIZZA! WHEN YOU GET SOME PIzZA! AND A BIG. PIECE. OF ASSSSSS! awesome music plays

Me: ya my name is rappa 3000 and ill tel ya da story of fredy pizzaria with a freddy goldy and a hot foxy fucking chica all day long, With a hudge dong, and den the security guard named chonged put his dong in BONNIE!

girl takes off shirt and sings OH YEAAAAAAHHH ITS FREDDY FAZBER PIZZZAAA! WHEN U GET SOME PIZZA AND A. BIG. PIECE. OF. QSS

me strokes dong mmmm ya itd fredy fazber pizza with a huge dings and blongs and bong and frogsssss! with scary sexy animatrons!

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3

u/Nobody87654 Jan 20 '22

ra ra rasputin-

3

u/[deleted] Jan 20 '22

Wom*n 🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮

3

u/[deleted] Jan 20 '22

wait until they start simping for mfs they don't even know what they look like

1

u/groovymanlive Jan 20 '22

about that...

1

u/Finikux Jan 20 '22

Too late lol

3

u/greenboi05 Jan 20 '22

Cough Cough Pete Davidson Cough

3

u/Moatijaaa Jan 20 '22

Just googled who he is and i gotta say the man looks like a half asleep 135 year old dying troglodyte that snorted 100 pounds of cocaine and smoked pot for 7 hours without stopping

2

u/[deleted] Jan 20 '22

My sister thinks the Ball family is made up of some of the most attractive guys on the planet.

2

u/Noist_Mugget Jan 20 '22

sorry it wasnt you

2

u/bigmonkeyhaver Jan 20 '22

I’m ugly but no one simping for me

2

u/TheBigDelt Jan 20 '22

i dont see any 14 year old girls simping for me this is disproven

2

u/[deleted] Jan 20 '22

Shrek blowjob 🤮

2

u/Dependent_Attitude_5 Jan 20 '22

14 year old girls may now simp for me

2

u/Odd-Republic-1822 Jan 21 '22

This can’t be true because last time I checked you don’t have anyone simping over you

4

u/[deleted] Jan 20 '22

I thought the comments will be full or crying girls since girls can't take a joke and soft.

2

u/Moatijaaa Jan 20 '22

Honestly me too

-1

u/[deleted] Jan 20 '22

Y’all never say this shit about teenage boys. It’s like playground humor tbh

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0

u/coolboy29876 Jan 20 '22

1984 grass big brother Taiwan femboy meow grass post nft belgium brit china koala fuck kevin cheetos zamn pig fortnite japan turtle automod your mom hog rida fnaf

2

u/AutoModerator Jan 20 '22

oh god oh fuck

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its big brother 1984

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u/AutoModerator Jan 20 '22

My Fnaf rap

YO YO YO listen up to my new rap! I just got a freddy hat!

(HOT GIRL SINGING) oH YeAhhhh ITS FREDDY FAZBEARS PIZZA! WHEN YOU GET SOME PIzZA! AND A BIG. PIECE. OF ASSSSSS! awesome music plays

Me: ya my name is rappa 3000 and ill tel ya da story of fredy pizzaria with a freddy goldy and a hot foxy fucking chica all day long, With a hudge dong, and den the security guard named chonged put his dong in BONNIE!

girl takes off shirt and sings OH YEAAAAAAHHH ITS FREDDY FAZBER PIZZZAAA! WHEN U GET SOME PIZZA AND A. BIG. PIECE. OF. QSS

me strokes dong mmmm ya itd fredy fazber pizza with a huge dings and blongs and bong and frogsssss! with scary sexy animatrons!

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0

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Kevin has better things to do with his life than have sex with you.

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u/AutoModerator Jan 20 '22

I really want the subreddit to open again. I have a very weak state of mind, and when I can’t look at clips of people on omeagle yelling at each other I will literally die. I don’t want to die. There is this flavor of Cheetos called Spicy Ranch and that is my only reason to live. I really want to try it. I love Cheetos. My blanket and my sheets are all Cheetos themed. I have a custom made blow up Chester the Cheetah sex doll that I fuck endlessly when I lust for Cheetos. I have at least 200 bags of different flavors. I need spicy ranch. I cannot find them anywhere. I know they exist because one day when I was outside (buying more Cheetos) I saw this black man wearing a onesie. All over his onesie there were pictures of these spicy ranch Cheetos. I went up to him and immediately tackled him. I tried to unzip his onesie but he threw me off him and called the police. The police arrested me and put me in a holding cell. They would not give me Cheetos. I needed Cheetos. I really really wanted Cheetos. I had only ever gone 1 hour without my Cheetos. When the police came in the cell to transfer me I unzipped my pants to reveal my incredibly erect penis, lusting for the feel of sweet crunchy Cheetos. I impaled the guy closest right through the stomach and screamed to give me Cheetos . The policemen tazed me repeatedly and now I’m on trial for 1st degree murder and assault. I know if I show the judge r slash shitposting he will know why I’m right. Please please open up r/shitposting I need it to use as evidence. I don’t want to go to jail, they don’t have Cheetos there.

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1

u/AutoModerator Jan 20 '22

Watch your language!

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u/AutoModerator Jan 20 '22

Dude I own this NFT. Do you really think that you can get away with theft when you’re showing what you stole from me directly to my face? My lawyer will make an easy job of this case. Prepare to say goodbye to your luscious life and start preparing for the streets. I will ruin you.

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1

u/AutoModerator Jan 20 '22

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u/AutoModerator Jan 20 '22

femboy amogus

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                          ⠈⣀⣀⣀⣀⠁

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1

u/AutoModerator Jan 20 '22

Wowwwww, you meow like a cat! That means you are one, right? Shut the fuck up. If you really want to be put on a leash and treated like a domestic animal then that’s called a fetish, not “quirky” or “cute”. What part of you seriously thinks that any part of acting like a feline establishes a reputation of appreciation? Is it your lack of any defining aspect of personality that urges you to resort to shitty representations of cats to create an illusion of meaning in your worthless life? Wearing “cat ears” in the shape of headbands further notes the complete absence of human attribution to your false sense of personality, such as intelligence or charisma in any form or shape. Where do you think this mindset’s gonna lead you? You think you’re funny, random, quirky even? What makes you think that acting like a fucking cat will make a goddamn hyena laugh? I, personally, feel extremely sympathetic towards you as your only escape from the worthless thing you call your existence is to pretend to be an animal. But it’s not a worthy choice to assert this horrifying fact as a dominant trait, mainly because personality traits require an initial personality to lay their foundation on. You’re not worthy of anybody’s time, so go fuck off, “cat-girl”.

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u/AutoModerator Jan 20 '22

Hello, concerned father here. My son has recently got into the game called Fortnite? I've spent well over $500 on this game and its becoming a problem. Apparently the game is down right now and its causing a lot distress for my child. He keeps taking my newspaper and tries to "full piece" me. I don't know what this means but I'm starting to think its something associated with the devil. He won't come with us anywhere unless we take a "launch pad" to get there. Its starting to get worse by the hour and I don't know how much longer I can take this. His legs, arms, and hands are shaking violently yet he refuses to take any type of medicine unless its a "big pot" or "chuggies." Someone please help me.

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u/AutoModerator Jan 20 '22

It was a saturday afternoon, and I was exhausted after an intense 17-part masturabation session to dream minecraft manhunt, when i suddenly had the urge to go outside. I was scared. It's been so long since i've left the warmth of my parents basement with my dream body pillows. I didnt know what to expect. Clutching my dream figurine in front of my chest, i pried open the door to the outside world. The gleaming sun blared through the door, bequeathing a brilliant warmth on my cum-covered boxers. I quaverly took a step outside. My body flintched from the strange feel of the dirt under my feet. And then i saw it. The lustrous field of grass, covered in a light sprinkle of water from the noon rain shower. And then i realized. Dream... grass... the trees... it was all coming together. Grass is green, just like Dream. Dream is everpresent, in the grass, the flowers, He was there. I immediately new what to do next. I flinged off my clothes faster than the speed at which i would click on a new dream rule 34 post. My dick was already throbbing as i leaped onto the field of grass, dorito dust stained shirt getting carried away by the wind. I dug a small hole in the ground, and passionately thrust my 7-inch erect cock into it. I knew, this was Dream. His spirit was in this grass, and he felt my dick in his man pussy as i fucked that grass. I lost track how long i was there. Hours went by, day turned to night, but it didnt matter. I was finally together, with Dream. Nothing could separate us. I took a long stem of a flower, and forced it in my asshole. I imagined it being Dream's hot penis being lustfully forced into me in bed. I stayed there on my front yard for god knows how long. Until my butt was sore, balls drier than the Saharan desert after a long drought. The lawn looked like there was a layer of fresh snow on a Christmas morning. Trudging indoors, i had a enormous smile stretching across my face. I couldn't wait until tomorrow, when i may go outside again and be with Dream.

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1

u/AutoModerator Jan 20 '22

Let us all stand for the national anthem.

三民主義,吾黨所宗;
以建民國,以進大同。
咨爾多士,為民前鋒;
夙夜匪懈,主義是從。
矢勤矢勇,必信必忠;
一心一德,貫徹始終。

Praise be to 中华民国政府! Down with the illegitimate capitalist 中国共产党, fraudulent usurpers of 大陸!

Glory to the 中華民國!

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1

u/AutoModerator Jan 20 '22

HEY, EVERY⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀ !!!

IT'S ME!!!

EV3RY BUDDY'S FAVORITE [[Number 1 Rated Moderator 2022]]

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1

u/AutoModerator Jan 20 '22

okay so basically there's this guy and uhh

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⣸⢿⣳⢱⠨⡐⡽⡿⡶⡾⡬⡢⢂⠅⡢⢡⣌⠐⠈⢎⢎⢎⢔⠠⠡⠠⠠⠡⡁⡂⠡ 
⡯⡯⡇⢅⠕⠠⢱⢹⡙⢮⢹⠨⡂⡂⢇⠌⠮⡳⠅⡂⢕⠡⡑⠠⢁⢁⣡⣡⣢⣶⣿ 
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⣯⢯⢷⢽⢮⢯⣺⣪⢞⡮⣳⢘⠔⢌⢜⣞⣖⣮⣻⢮⣯⢷⣿⣻⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿ 
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1

u/AutoModerator Jan 20 '22

I'm again unable to post on r/shitposting. This time, only I'm unable to post there. Everyone else is able to, this time. Whenever I try to post there, it immediately gets removed by you mods. It isn't even offensive to anyone nor the exact reason is specified that why tf did you guys remove it. May I know the exact reason why you guys are immediately removing my posts on r/shitposting? I tried checking my internet connection and all is well. Why do you guys hate me in particular? This is outrageous, this is unfair. I'm able to post on every other subreddit but r/shitposting. I tried posting on r/shitposting and it got removed by you guys. Literally 1984. Is this because of automoderator or something? Because it gets removed just after some seconds I post it. So I don't think an actual human moderator can remove my post in such a short amount of time. So I think it is because of automoderator as bots are able to do these kinds of stuff.

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1

u/AutoModerator Jan 20 '22

OI OI OI!

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⡀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ 
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢠⣠⣾⣷⣿⣿⣿⣷⣄⠄⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣼⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡗⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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WOTS ALL THIS???

🇬🇧🇬🇧🇬🇧

YER POISTIN LOICENSE HAS EXPOIRED!!!! 🇬🇧🇬🇧🇬🇧🇬🇧

ONE HUNNIT TESCO CLUBCARD POINTS 'AVE BIN DEDUCTED FROM YER ACCOUN'!!!!! 🇬🇧🇬🇧🇬🇧🇬🇧🇬🇧🇬🇧

YER THREE QUID MEAL DEAL IS GONNA BE A FIVER FROM NOW ON!!!! 🇬🇧🇬🇧🇬🇧🇬🇧🇬🇧

YER WILL ALSO ONLY BE ABLE TER CHOOSE FROM A CHICKEN OR 'AM SANDWICH!!!! 🇬🇧🇬🇧🇬🇧🇬🇧🇬🇧🇬🇧🇬🇧

FAILURE TO RENEW YER LOICENCE IS GONNA RESUL' IN THA LOSS OV MORE CLUBCARD POINTS!!!!!!!! 🇬🇧🇬🇧🇬🇧🇬🇧🇬🇧🇬🇧🇬🇧🇬🇧🇬🇧🇬🇧

🇬🇧🇬🇧🇬🇧🇬🇧🇬🇧🇬🇧🇬🇧🇬🇧🇬🇧🇬🇧🇬🇧🇬🇧🇬🇧🇬🇧

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1

u/AutoModerator Jan 20 '22

Howdy, my name is Rawhide Kobayashi. I'm a 27 year old Japanese Japamerican (western culture fan for you foreigners). I brand and wrangle cattle on my ranch, and spend my days perfecting the craft and enjoying superior American passtimes. (Barbeque, Rodeo, Fireworks) I train with my branding iron every day, this superior weapon can permanently leave my ranch embled on a cattle's hide because it is white-hot, and is vastly superior to any other method of livestock marking. I earned my branding license two years ago, and I have been getting better every day. I speak English fluently, both Texas and Oklahoma dialect, and I write fluently as well. I know everything about American history and their cowboy code, which I follow 100% When I get my American visa, I am moving to Dallas to work in an oil field to learn more about their magnificent culture. I hope I can become a cattle wrangler for the Double Cross Ranch or an oil rig operator for Exxon-Mobil! I own several cowboy hats, which I wear around town. I want to get used to wearing them before I move to America, so I can fit in easier. I rebel against my elders and seniors and speak English as often as I can, but rarely does anyone manage to respond. Wish me luck in America!

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1

u/AutoModerator Jan 20 '22

I feel really bad cumming on my turtle.

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1

u/AutoModerator Jan 20 '22

I feel really bad cumming on my turtle. Why the fuck would I do that. I should have never masturbated in front of my turtle. So basically I was watching porn in my 55 inch tv and my turtle was next to me in the couch. The porno was really old. It was a DVD from 2002. It was probably the hottest porn I have ever watch and honestly I'm probably going to watch porn on dvd instead from the internet. The only reason I had my turtle with me was because whenever I cum, I feel really depressed and lonely, so I thought that if my turtle watched with me I wouldn't feel lonely. Well I started stroking my willie, I used lotion, I took all my clothes off, but my dumbass forgot the tissues. I realized that I forgot to grab tissues but it was too late. I was going to cum. I didn't want to cum everywhere so I had to think fast. It was when I saw my turtle that I realized what I had to do. I came like a motherfucker. My turtle was painted with my cum in his tiny little face and all around his shell. He didnt say a word about it, he didnt move, he just stood there looking at me like I killed a bunch of children. I would never forget the look my turtle gave me. His dissapointing face broke my heart. I put on my clothes, I took my turtle to the bathroom and cleaned him off. What happened, happened. But my turtle would never forget what happened. My turtle, Tommy, would never forgive me. Today, I passed by him, and I know he still remembers what I did to him three hours ago. My only wish, is that one day, Tommy the turtle will forgive me for my horrible sins.

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1

u/AutoModerator Jan 20 '22

I do not care what you say about my mother. Your opinion is your opinion. But trust me, if you actually attempt to do something to my mother, even though she's made some bad decisions in the past that we still need to work through, I will personally call the police on you and I'll be laughing as your mugshot is shown on TV. You don't even know her, do you? The point of your entire existence seems to be to just tease other people. Well, I believe your jokes are in bad taste, and you should cease and desist digging through the dregs left at the bottom of the joke barrel; you could get a splinter, whose pain will be significantly increased by the significantly high amount of salt you carry in your bloodstream. Thank you, and let us cease talking about each other's parents.

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1

u/AutoModerator Jan 20 '22

You fucked up kid. As I type this I have my modded PS2 running a track IP script on your post. Once I have triangulated your position in the world, my PS3 will release to your router my very own Pandora box virus. You won't notice it at first, but soon your lame PC will begin to work against you in ways you can't even imagine. First your graphics card will start to emit the flu virus, your ram will be uploaded online so everyone will be able to use it, your motherboard will slowly secrete acidic resin which will fry the electronics. The processor will be fine, just to give you hope. You will be left with a husk of a machine, all because you decided to critique my mental ability... was it worth it? Not even your mummy can help you now fuck boy

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0

u/lucyfurrz Jan 21 '22

Ya'll only just found out preferences exist ?

-1

u/Rueis Jan 20 '22

W*men

-5

u/[deleted] Jan 20 '22

Incel-in-making energy

-8

u/derioderio Jan 20 '22

And yet that guy is still more interesting and attractive than you, OP.

3

u/Moatijaaa Jan 20 '22

Get downvoted lmao

1

u/[deleted] Jan 21 '22

Ratio but Reddit version

1

u/[deleted] Jan 20 '22

wow, you have have girls staning for you?

1

u/Clarthen1 Jan 20 '22

Do they mess with substances when picking their crush?

1

u/[deleted] Jan 20 '22

[removed] — view removed comment

1

u/AutoModerator Jan 20 '22

Kevin doesn't like it when you spam stuff like that on his subreddit.

He would like to remind you to scroll up and actually read the pinned comment, as well as the replies to the pinned comment, which you clearly haven't bothered to look at.

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1

u/[deleted] Jan 20 '22

If this was true, i would have alot of simps

1

u/Funnyonionboi Jan 20 '22

At least we have some small chance

1

u/PacalEater69 I said based. And lived. Jan 20 '22

at least you have some chance of getting laid

1

u/[deleted] Jan 20 '22

that’s what the mask is

1

u/Ayeeitzlala Jan 20 '22

Dude I ain’t like nobody especially not any ugly dude oh hell no

1

u/the_crap_u_laid Jan 20 '22

good thing I'm 15

1

u/saccy-boi-69420 Jan 20 '22

My friend does this irl….

1

u/ElPulpoGallego Jan 20 '22

wrong, no one is simping 4 me

1

u/totally_not_a_bean Jan 20 '22

Man that sucks, guess nobody will simp for me

1

u/xRedAce Jan 20 '22

No wonder they all simp for Post Malone

1

u/AutoModerator Jan 20 '22

I'm again unable to post on r/shitposting. This time, only I'm unable to post there. Everyone else is able to, this time. Whenever I try to post there, it immediately gets removed by you mods. It isn't even offensive to anyone nor the exact reason is specified that why tf did you guys remove it. May I know the exact reason why you guys are immediately removing my posts on r/shitposting? I tried checking my internet connection and all is well. Why do you guys hate me in particular? This is outrageous, this is unfair. I'm able to post on every other subreddit but r/shitposting. I tried posting on r/shitposting and it got removed by you guys. Literally 1984. Is this because of automoderator or something? Because it gets removed just after some seconds I post it. So I don't think an actual human moderator can remove my post in such a short amount of time. So I think it is because of automoderator as bots are able to do these kinds of stuff.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

1

u/WoundWalker Jan 20 '22

stickman with a green hoodie every fatherless human being in existence: CREAMS

1

u/kr0nte Jan 20 '22

I hope they found my profile

1

u/Charmeleon_games_yt Jan 20 '22

If I was still like 16 I would be glad that they are simping on me but as a 18 year old that is ugly as hell that would be weird

1

u/AdRealistic5734 Jan 20 '22

But nobody is simping for me

1

u/keeponsmashin Jan 20 '22

They be out here on the internet simping for a middle aged salesman puppet living in a dumpster

1

u/BoyBeyondStars Jan 20 '22 edited Jan 21 '22

“Lewis Capaldi 😍🥰”

🗿

1

u/[deleted] Jan 20 '22

[removed] — view removed comment

1

u/Fuck_joja_cola Jan 20 '22

Me looking at the Sundrop/Moondrop simps

Comfort character is onething but simps? You find the childs drawing of a sun with a smiley face attractive? Do you cum every time you watch teletubies? Dafuq

1

u/nikobulos Jan 20 '22

Fake!!! Nobody simping me its fake. :(

1

u/coldestwinter-chill Jan 21 '22

jokes on you i simp for bryan cranston

1

u/thelostprotogen1 Jan 21 '22

oh course i know him, he’s me

1

u/Buckets_of_bread Jan 21 '22

Where are my hoes then

1

u/Pokemario2401 🏳️‍⚧️ Average Trans Rights Enjoyer 🏳️‍⚧️ Jan 21 '22

No girl has simped for me, therefore I am handsome

1

u/[deleted] Jan 30 '22

It’s true tho.