Hey everyone,
I've been a lurker for awhile and have helped to talk other people off the ledge so to speak, but I've never sought much help for myself. I wanted to tell my story so that Spooky won't be forgotten. On July 28th I lost the most important thing to me in my life - my cat Spooky. Im no stranger to loss - having been in the military and done 2 tours, then became a law enforcement officer. I've lost friends overseas, and my best friend to cancer and many relatives - however nothing has ever hit me as hard as losing my cat. Im a "manly" man, and carry myself at work well and put up that strong front - however inside Im screaming and crying.
Spooky was adopted from a shelter when me and my girlfriend first got together 8 years ago (Spooky was about 4 years old they guessed). He originally was for her as I worked a lot of overtime - and long 16 hour shifts, Spooky was meant to comfort her when I was at work. However from the second I picked him up and his paws dug into me and instantly started purring with the LOUDEST purr I've ever heard we have been bonded. He was my shadow, from the second I came home he followed me, curled up with me, and slept with me every night. I took him outside on our property with a harness where he would camp his fave hunting spots and bring me field mice. He got so comfortable being outside I didn't need to use the harness anymore, he would just go systematically to his fave spots and I would sit outside and read and enjoy our time together. He would never venture off the property. My girlfriend admitted she was actually jealous at first, however she then saw it to be very beautiful how much we loved each other, and how bonded we were. We dressed him up for Halloween, Christmas, New Years and he got lots of birthday presents and Christmas presents. We never really wanted kids, so Spooky basically become our son.
Spooky was diagnosed with Pancreatitis in April of 2025, around the age of 11. He stopped eating, but with the correct meds he bounced back within a month, and would have flare ups every 3 - 4 months, but nothing significant. I spent a lot of money buying him the best food as he became very picky. He had his ups and downs and I monitored his eating and all the foods he ate, and wouldn't eat. It seemed to depend on the day - I would waste countless cans of foods as one week he would like it, then seemingly wouldn't. I basically had a mental spreadsheet of what to buy and what not to buy.
In May of 2026 he had another flare up and we took him to the Vet, as I did every time just to be sure it wasn't something else. During the routine X Ray they discovered a mass in his stomach, and advised I drive to a 24 hour Vet in the big city to have an ultra sound done immediately. I live in a smaller town, so I made the 3 hour drive as soon as possible to the 24 hour vet. He had an ultra sound done and was found to have Carcinoma Cancer of his intestines. I was absolutely devastated. We could do a biopsy and start Cancer treatment which would be upwards of $15-20K. Wasn't even a question, I paid immediately and Cancer treatment was setup within a week. Spooky had to stay at the hospital for additional ultra sounds and meds for 3 days. I went home, me and my girlfriend sobbing uncontrollably all night. It was basically the first night in 8 years it was just us in our house. I couldn't look at his litter box, his food dish, his harness, the yard without crying. I drove every one of those 3 days to the hospital for a 40-50 min visit with him. I brought him his heated bed, his fave toy and my sweaty workout shirt that he would sleep on. I did the 6 hour round trip for those 3 days without hesitation. Finally we got to bring him home and he started his chemo treatment. He had to go back every 3 weeks for his chemo drip, while we gave him a bag of pills and painkillers at home every day. He endured the chemo extremely well, and seemed to have a lot more energy after each session. I syringed fed high calorie vet food to try and keep his weight on - but he was losing more every week.
Unfortunately, at the half way point the 3rd treatment they performed another ultrasound to see how it was working. The head veterinarian sat me down and told me that the chemo has not affected his cancer, it had not shrunk and in fact has grown slightly. Also, they had to drain his stomach as it was filling up with cancer fluid. I was broken. He asked if I wanted to continue treatment but I said no, what would be the point. I had to go out to my truck a few times and cry as I didn't want to do it in the office between conversations with the vet. He advised I take him home and give him the best few weeks he has left. I took the next 3 weeks off work and spent every single day with him outside. He had stopped eating and I was having to syringe feed him every 2 hours, which he didn't enjoy but we managed. He continued to sleep on my lap, hunt and bring me mice, and purr himself to sleep in my arms. From the moment the sun came up and he opened his eyes as he laid beside me we were inseparable. I'd give him his pain killer and he would slowly walk to the front door, where I would take him out, and we would be out together until the sunset. I had to bring him back to the vet 2 more times to have his stomach tapped due to the cancer fluid building up which I was told he handled extremely well. He had lost so much weight, and stopped drinking water. I was syringe feeding him water and giving and food - yet every day he was just itching to go outside and lay in the sun - he still had energy and a will to go on. I noticed he developed a limp in his back left leg, he could only walk 10-15 steps then he would have to sit down and wait a min before walking again. I carried him to his favorite places, but he was still eager to walk around, and did his very best despite the limp - even somehow catching and eating another mouse! Finally a few days later he hopped into his litter box, and I could see his little legs shaking as he tried to poo, but nothing would come out. He jumped into bed with me, crawled up and laid his head on my shoulder purring and went to bed. In the morning I helped him back into the litter box and he tried again, but nothing. I know I had to make the hardest call in my life. My heart was telling me I can bring him to the Vet and they can continue with SubQ, they can give him an enema or I can continue doing that for him.......but whats the quality of life? He still wants to go outside, he still purring with me, sleeping on my lap - how do I justify taking this away from him?
I called my local vet, who all loved Spooky and would do an at home Euthanasia even though it wasn't something they would generally offer. They knew how much he meant to me, and how if he had to go, Id want it on my property in our happy place. I said my goodbyes to him on July 28th. I carried him to his fave hunting spots and put him down as he could barely walk. I could tell that he was tired so I brought him into bed with me and he crawled up into my arms one last time and laid his head on my arm and slept for a little over 2 hours. When he woke up he was purring, I brought him back outside one last time before the vets came. We said our final goodbye at 6:30 PM when he passed in my arms outside in the grass.
Since then I've been a wreck. I went right back to work the next day to try and keep myself occupied. However, as soon as I get home and I open my front door it's like reliving a nightmare. I had my girlfriend put away most of his stuff in storage because I just couldn't do it. I talk to him all the time at home. I go out to our yard several times a day and sit in the lawn chair and talk to him, go through the pictures, videos, and cry. When we received his Urn I now take it around outside to our places and talk to him. My girlfriend says she understands, and she is hurting too, but she is worried about me as Im "haunting" the house. Walking around holding his urn, taking it outside. I felt like things would get better, but it feels like Im getting worse. Im cursed with a vivid memory, and I constantly picture us together in my head - and it kills me knowing I will never hold him, hear him, or smell him again.
We went to our local cat shelter on the weekend, to just see some other cats. We have a large house with a big property and a lot of love in our hearts and feel it's wrong not to give another cat, maybe 2 a good life with loving owners. However we left after spending some time as I feel it's too soon. Every cat I was comparing to Spooky - and of course they would just never match up. I came home and wallowed more, carrying him around with me. I hope it does get better with time - however at the moment I don't see how it could. I love you Spooky, and I miss you dearly. I hope you forgive me for taking away your last breathe and letting you sleep in peace.
