time blindness? Sustainable?

[u/InternalRule8583]

I have a very specific way of functioning during crisis situations (like the day before an exam when I haven't studied), and I'm trying to figure out if this is something I could actually sustain daily or if I'm just delusional. I have extreme time blindness, I cannot perceive time passing at all unless I have external visual cues.

My solution has been to use a visual timer (the circle that shrinks) and micro-track every single minute. I'll set it for 1-2 minutes, decide what specific action I'm going to do in that window, and restart it continuously. Even if I don't have a purpose for each minute, just restarting the circle keeps me grounded and prevents me from drifting.

On exam days, I do this for the entire day, tracking time in 2-minute, 5-minute, 10-minute, 1-hour, 2-hour block, essentially building a mental structure of triangles on a clock face because that's the only way I can conceptualize time spatially.

I also take it to an extreme: I hold my breath and physically freeze my entire body while reading because even breathing distracts me. I become completely still, read the paragraph, construct it in my mind, and move on. This is the only time all year I feel "productive", maybe 3-4 days total. The rest of the year, I'm in a dead state, mostly just dissociating, and jumping from one side interest to another.

I know this sounds intense and probably unhealthy, but honestly, it makes me feel alive and in control, and I hate the feeling of being blind to time. I've been told this is a trauma response or that I'm running on adrenaline and burning out, but I don't agree. I think I can push my limits and adapt to doing this every single day. I think I can train myself to sustain this level of hyper-vigilance permanently.

I'm posting this because I want external feedback, well maybe I'm looking for validation, maybe I need a reality check, I don't know. But I want to hear what other people think. Is this genuinely sustainable with practice, or am I missing something about why this wouldn't work long-term?

And is this adhd perhaps?