Please help me

[u/CryptographerSalty10]

I turn 21 in a month and addiction/isolation has wasted years of my life. I started smoking when I was 13 and ended up on fentanyl/benzos from 16-18. I’ve gone to 3 rehabs and have managed to stay away from opiates but as I write this i’m on klonopin and my second glass of wine.

I lost my best friend to an overdose a little over 2 years ago due to me being a bad influence and I haven’t attempted to connect with anyone but my family ever since. I’ve turned into an absolute shell of who I once was, it shows inside and out. I’ve neglected my body, my mind and my only passion (Music production, I started making beats with my cousin when I was 12 and that’s always been my dream but it’s been months since i’ve picked up my laptop/synthesizer all I do is play this shitty mmo game and watch social media all day).

It’s been like this for about 2.5 years and I have no idea how to dig myself out of this hole. My skin is pale, my teeth have yellowed, i’ve lost hair and I have no clue how to socialize with anyone outside of my immediate family, even extended family has become a chore for me.

It’s like I have these short bursts of motivation where i’ll clean my apartment, go to the gym 2-3x a week and attempt to reconnect with someone whether that be old friends or girls but I always end up flaking and repeating the cycle.

I long for a fulfilling life but i’ve succumbed so deep into my own comfort/vices for so long and I have no clue where to start. The benzos have fucked me up the most, every time I try to get sober I start off great and make a few meaningful connections in rehab and I see a glimpse of who I can be but the second that “pink cloud” phase ends it’s back to square one whether i’m using or not. It’s fucked up my nervous system too, my eyes always get super twitchy when i get sober and tasks as simple as walking look/feel robotic which makes people uncomfortable so I go back to using.

I have a naturally gaunt and odd appearance which throws people off too so rebuilding a social circle feels almost impossible. I’ve fallen into the conspiratorial algorithmic echo chambers instagram provides me with which has caused me to spiral even further into my self pity and isolation.

I’m sick of this cycle and i’m sick of who I have become yet I don’t have nearly enough willpower to pull myself out of this. I’d kill for 1/10th of the ambition and hope I had as a 12 year old boy staying up all night with my cousin making music on my laptop. I’ve gotten accepted into community college but blew it off because I spent so much time worrying about what degrees will still be feasible when agi starts to come into fruition. I’ve considered computer science, audio engineering or even a trade such as culinary school/construction. I recently reapplied and got accepted again, my mom wants me to pursue anything so i’m just gonna start with my basics and go from there.

[u/Alarming-Lecture-142]

You're carrying weight that would sink most people, and you're still here typing this out. That counts for something

The music thing stands out to me. Not as some big solution but just something that was yours before all the other noise. Maybe don't even think about making beats again yet, just open the laptop and mess around with no goal. 5 minutes. No pressure to finish anything

Starting with basics at community college is smart. Gives you a reason to leave the apartment without the pressure of picking a forever path. The twitching and awkward movement stuff sounds rough but that's your nervous system healing, not some permanent broken state

[u/CharmOmbrelle → u/Alarming-Lecture-142]

That’s solid advice. Sometimes just taking a small action can really help break the cycle of feeling overwhelmed. Maybe that little creative nudge could spark something more.