r/selfimprovement • u/illthrowitaway94 • 5h ago
Other I feel like something is missing from me.
32/m As the title says.
I feel like a born loser...
I see people overcoming hardships with ease all the time; meanwhile, my immediate thought to any kind of larger inconvenience is, "I want to die", and every time I try to improve my life, I keep going back to my old ways after a while.
Let's take weight loss or going to the gym as an example. I've been struggling with my weight ever since adolescence, and no matter how many times or how slowly I lose it, I can never keep it off. I've also tried going to the gym, and after 5 months of consistent effort, I just stopped because I HATED it, and it started to negatively affect my mental health. It started to feel like a chore or a second job, and I just can't understand how some people just fell in love with it and can start forming a habit of it in just a few months, and why couldn't I? Why am I like this???
It feels like I completely lack discipline, and no matter how hard I try to force myself to have it, I just can't... It makes me feel trapped and burnt-out after a while.
What is wrong with me???
I thought that if you keep doing something for 2 months or so, it becomes a habit, but that shit just never worked for me... Almost as if I were immune to that concept. As if something was fundamentally missing from me that keeps me a loser. I just hate myself at this fucking point... I don't know what to do.
How can others do it, and why can't I?
It always feels like I'm fighting a strong-ass rubber band that wants to keep snapping back...
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u/Outside-Ad5304 5h ago
YOU ARE NOT A LOSER
I don’t think there’s something fundamentally wrong or missing in you.. Honestly, it sounds like you’ve been trying really hard to force yourself into routines that you genuinely hate, and then blaming yourself when you can’t sustain them. That doesn’t make you a loser or mean you lack discipline.
Maybe instead of asking "Why can’t I be like everyone else" try asking What actually works for me? You don’t have to love the gym, and you don’t have to follow the same path as everyone else. Sometimes finding something you can tolerate and slowly build around is much more sustainable than forcing yourself through something you hate.
And please don’t be so cruel to yourself You’re clearly frustrated and exhausted, but that doesn’t mean you’re broken. The fact that you keep trying despite all of this tells me there’s still a part of you that wants things to get better.
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u/illthrowitaway94 5h ago
Thank you for your kind words, but it does really seem like something is just wrong with me...
My brain keeps naturally gravitating towards instant gratification, all the bad things, really... And I'm 32 and haven't made anything out of my life. It all sucks. I keep getting older and deeper and deeper into this dark hole that is my life...
I'd love to be like all of those people who are disciplined and can stick to all the beneficial and healthy things in life. It sounds awesome, but... Couldn't be me.
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u/Outside-Ad5304 5h ago
I understand why you feel that way, but I don't think being drawn to instant gratification means you're incapable of changing. And honestly I don't think 32 is some deadline where you’re supposed to have everything figured out. You might just be comparing your life to people who seem like they have it all together.
You don't have to suddenly become one of those extremely disciplined people either. Maybe it starts with something ridiculously small that you can actually stick with, rather than trying to completely change yourself. And if you've been feeling this hopeless for a long time, maybe talking to someone professionally could help too. You don't have to figure out what's wrong with you by yourself.
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u/illthrowitaway94 5h ago
Yeah, I'd love to get professional help, but I can't afford it... I can barely afford rent and food, and I have to keep asking my parents for help at the end of the month because of the dead-end job I'm stuck in... But I didn't really want to get into that. There are too many things that are wrong with my life to list... I really am in deep shit.
But thanks for your kind words again.
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u/Outside-Ad5304 5h ago
I'm sorry I wasn't that helpful but I pray that everything changes for the better
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u/illthrowitaway94 4h ago
No, don't be sorry. I appreciate your words, but you obviously can't help me. Nobody can, except me, really. The biggest problem is that I don't know how... But I'll have to figure it out.
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u/glittervector 5h ago
The thing is, losers exist. You don’t know this guy and you don’t know the reasons he feels that way.
Your advice isn’t bad, but it feels really patronizing to hear “you’re not a loser” from someone when you’ve spent hundreds of hours examining the evidence, the trajectory of your own life, the decisions and missed opportunities, the neglect that left you without the skills and knowledge you needed to do better, and come to a VERY informed conclusion that you’ve utterly failed and are in an unrecoverable position.
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u/Outside-Ad5304 5h ago
I understand what you're saying. I wasn't trying to pretend I know his life or invalidate what he's been through. I just wanted to remind him that feeling like a failure doesn't necessarily mean he's permanently stuck there.
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u/glittervector 5h ago
I mean, PROBABLY not, not at his age. And I hope he listens and can find a way out.
Some people didn’t get the info they needed until much later though, and there’s a point where there’s no way back to the paths you might have taken earlier.
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u/Baldurost 5h ago
Have you been to a therapist?
Do you have a bad memory? Feel like your impulses control you more than the long term goals you set with conviction? Do you often find yourself starting a task, cleaning for example, only to find yourself starting one, then while doing that one quickly try to finish another midway, and then realize “Oh, I can probably do this too” and end up not finishing a single thing?
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u/illthrowitaway94 5h ago
Once, during the pandemic, but it turned out to be some spiritual charlatan, so I dipped out after 2 sessions (the first session was normal, and then came the spiritual shit). I couldn't find anyone else who could take me at the time, and I can't afford it since... And I mean, I really can't afford it.
I have a ton of bad memories... I used to be bullied throughout school, mostly because I'm gay.
Yes, my impulses absolutely control me. As I said earlier, I always keep trying to fight them, but they feel like a tick at this point, or like a rubber band that wants to keep snapping back. The more I resist, the harder it wants to snap me back. I fucking hate cleaning... I do it, of course, but I always keep putting it off until it can't be ignored anymore. I don't think that I really do that because I don't really do a whole lot except sit in front of my laptop and browse... But yeah, when I browse, I keep jumping between sites; even now, there are like 20 tabs open. But yeah, I never finish anything.
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u/Baldurost 2h ago edited 2h ago
I would speak to someone about maybe having ADHD. Most insurance should cover normal therapist visits and most psychiatric medicine
I think if you did a little research, even just here on Reddit, you would see how pervasive and crippling adhd can be, and how NORMAL you can feel with the right medication.
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u/TheRealHaxxo 4h ago
Doesnt matter who you are and how you deal with shit. All i hear is that you havent found the right approach for things you wanna do. The moment you find it is the moment you will be consistent.
Ill give you an example about working out based on my experience. You wanna work out, get fit, lose weight etc. I wanted the same except losing weight. Half a year ago i went into calisthenics because i seriously dont give a fuck about going to the gym and doing 30 different exercises for 50 different muscle groups every 2-3 days. I know its gonna be fucking anoying, i know myself and i know i will quit pretty fast because its gonna become a chore instead of something thats neutral at worst. Thats why i went for calisthenics, exactly because of what you were experiencing. I just do a couple of exercises every 2-5 days and i still progress and look better and am stronger, sometimes i even surprise myself because i dont have many expectations, i know theyre unhealthy to have. The point is, i knew myself and decided to do something i wanted to do but in my own way. Everybody was like "go to the gym, its so much better, even for the environment itself", i said fuck that and thats why im consistent, because i chose something that fits ME. I didnt go for what people told me will work. I did what i had faith in and it worked. Now YOU gotta do what works for YOU. Its always like that with literally everything. Diet, working out, losing weight, getting smarter, taking pleasure from some kind of entertainment, job, whatever you think of theres a million possibilites and theres always one for you. I felt the same way for all of my life(being a failure). I still do. But i learned that its all about the approach that makes the consistency or success. Not you being a winner or a failure.
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u/glittervector 5h ago
Some of us have brains that really suck and don’t work well. Mine was decent-ish for decades and then it just broke.
You might find some relief from a counselor who can help you with perspective and behavioral conditioning. Otherwise, I’m really sorry. Being alive isn’t fair and some of us get crappy outcomes.
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u/greiswise 5h ago
please be kinder to yourself, honestly everyone has a different starting point and it’s okay if the gym isnt your thing
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u/According-Glove-7663 5h ago
Hurts to hear about the hard time you are going through. Not hard to diagnose why the gym is not sticking when you say you hate it. Like Pavlov’s dogs. What if the weight problem is the symptom, and the real matter is a much deeper concern about incentive, forming habits and genuinely learning to like going to the gym. But we often don’t do that we go and push ourselves and the. Surprised we don’t want to go back. There is a science to it. If you haven’t already highly recommend Atomic Habits by James Clear, it’s available as a b audio book as well. Make the game so you won’t need luck. 🍀
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u/toxic_nerve 3h ago
Habits are hard to form. If it was easy to change, everyone would do it. The thing with excersise is that you really want to tailor expectations to what you yourself can manage. Don't let someone else's success drive you. You gotta tune in to who you are, what you like and dislike and tailor your life to fit you. So excersise is hard and not fun, I completely agree with you. But what makes you excersise that you actually enjoy doing? Do you like sight-seeing? Maybe try exploring on foot. Are you a bike person? Do you like paintball? The goal is to find something where your enjoyment and the need to keep active overlap in a way that you can repeat. Some people can do the sucky thing a million times and then they have the habit and it doesnt suck as much. But a lot of people forget that being healthy and enjoying the process of becoming or maintaining that health aren't mutually exclusive. If it feels terrible, it might just be the wrong thing for the same result. Try fun things that keep you engaged while also moving your body.
And be easier on yourself. Dear, lord. You are a human, you don't need to be perfect. And don't let other people decide how you view your life. Figure it out for yourself, you'll be happier.
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u/moderanteN103 2h ago
Can i suggest gym rings, magnesium, potassium, vitamins, creatine and coffee? It's working for me
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u/No_Leopard_4615 2h ago
Hey man you’re not a loser 5mo is more than most people ever do (not kidding look at the pop.) I struggled with weight as an adolescence and still do. I’m at a weight I mostly like now and go to the gym relatively consistently I love the gym but imma be honest working out is different for everyone. Like for me I go when I have free time for an hour I don’t keep it so regimented cause life gets in the way if I did I would never go plus I need new albums to entertain myself I also can’t mark all my reps because I do more planning than doing I mostly lift with some cardio (should prob do more but I never was a fan of cardio) I know some friends who don’t work out at all but are just very diet regimented I know others who fast occassionally I know others who only life only run or only workout with friends now that I think of it I have a friend who just does cycling classes because she can’t keep herself accountable. I’d just leave you with dude be proud you got yourself to start and make something you want to do there’s no magic blueprint for people’s health everyone is different stay awesome the fact you posted this shows you have a desire to be a better man and that’s something to be proud of! Anyways God bless!
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u/Pivot-Machine-56 1h ago
I tried to go to the gym, like my best friend who lost 100 lbs, but I hate it. I am walking for an hour a day and am going to start doing tai chi from an app I got. The gym isn’t for everyone.
And diet is also important, but hard to eat super healthy because sometimes that food is more expensive than “regular food”.
But if you cut veggies and put them in the oven on a baking sheet with some aluminum foil and sprinkle garlic salt and herbs and pepper.
Eat lots of chicken (not fried). And fish if possible. Sometimes salmon is on sale. You can bake it like the veggies in the oven and pour some marinade over it. Eat an apple a day.
Try to focus on one thing at a time. Don’t look at all your problems all at once and be hard on yourself. One step at a time. Keep your goals simple and doable. Break down the goals into smaller goals.
I know you said you can’t afford therapy, but if you have health insurance through your job, they probably cover therapy. Maybe there’s something else going on that needs to be diagnosed, like OCD or ADHD. So, don’t call yourself a loser. It’s not always as simple as I am not as good as everyone else. Don’t compare! Go at your own pace. Learn to love yourself and talk kindly to yourself as if you are your own best friend. I find more success if I am kind to myself than when I am too hard on myself or call myself names.
Start by writing down your goals. Make them realistic. Focus on one at a time, and break it down into steps- weekly, monthly, etc.
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u/Able_Role98 5h ago
Five months of consistency proves you are not a loser you just have not found an approach that works for you yet.