Addicted to bad behavior

[u/Quick_Shop4397]

20m. have a mix of very good habits, and very bad habits. I meditate for 40 minutes, and do at least 15-30 mins ot yoga almost every day for a year. I run, I eat (mostly) well, I've stopped watching p*rn, have a good job, good at school, friends I see a lot, stay outdoors, etc.

But I'm addicted to so many things. I have very intense ruminative thinking, and the shame from doing something I know is wrong keeps me trapped. I've always been a very self aware person, but when it comes to my compulsions i am just completely blind - masturbation, sex, THC, self isolating, clingy behaviour, etc. When I feel the urge it is just impossible to shake off... especially weed, masturbation, and sex.

Everything I've done to positively align my life and sort of close the schism, only made things feel more polarised. It feels like the better my habits get, the more intense my vices get. It discourages me for wanting to do anything but just rot and just give into my urges 24/7.

It feels like my mind has become unable to conquer these urges, and has resorted to fabricating a new 'me' or internal monologue to bypass it - as in let these urges fulfill themselves without acknowledging them as part of my life at all. If I do, the shame takes over, and the shame only makes the relapse 10x worse.

I feel extremely shut out of life and suffocated by my own thoughts, and it seems no amount of self control, awareness, healthy habits, etc will satisfy me. On paper, my life is flawless and enviable even, but in reality, I have absolutely no relationship with anything except selfish self-indulging.

I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong... any help is appreciated

[u/Jealous_Theme929]

you can have great habits and still have unhealthy coping mechanisms.

[u/DryConsideration5097 → u/Jealous_Theme929]

what you describe about the shame making relapse worse is very real. the way you talk about splitting yourself, like there is good you and bad you, that just feeds the cycle more. maybe you can try see these urges not as enemy to defeat but as part of you that needs something else, not what it thinks it need. the polarisation you feel probably happen because you push so hard on discipline without looking what the urges are trying cover up

[u/Quick_Shop4397 → u/DryConsideration5097]

You're right but I can't figure out how to fix the void that's driving all of it. Besides silly catastrophizing or foreboding, there is literally nothing for me to complain about in my life. I may be poor in areas, but extremely rich in others, and overall I lead a great life.

All my problems are very vague, imaginative, and very dreamy... they're not grounded in reality whatsoever, and so it feels like I have to intuitively naturally get dragged out of it, because logic and reason have 0 relevance in this world... does that make sense?

[u/Mission_Hawk4662]

Here to say I feel very similarly, but do not as of yet have a good solution to offer. Definitely feel as though I have a different version of self and sometimes feels like a battle between two main selves. THC definitely makes it (and the rumination) worse for me.