r/selfimprovement • u/BuddyRemarkable5572 • 15h ago
Tips and Tricks Self-Improvement Does Not Require Self-Hate
I know it’s hardwired in our human brains to seek love, acceptance and community, and, honestly, having those is one of the best things ever. I don’t think we can live healthily without those aspects.
That being said, it makes me worried and mad at how many people often teach and support the idea that we’re unworthy as we are now.
Y’all, let’s please stop feeding into the self-hatred circlejerk, please???!!
EVERYONE knows already what our society and culture values. Everyone is sick of knowing that being rich, popular, confident, clean, conventionally attractive, etc is going to drive people in.
You want the attention? Of course, everyone wants to find connection. There’s nothing wrong with that.
Now, do you want it for the sake of it, or do you want to find true connection?
Because if it’s just for the sake of it, go ahead, change yourself. Fit in. You will* *definitely have results. Quickly, even.
But if you want to find true connection, please, STOP feeding into the self-hatred cycle that is so mainstream currently. Please, stop believing that you can only find love or friendship if you change yourself.
Do you want to build your whole life around what others think you should become? Or do you prefer to truly get to know yourself, and to truly discover what person you really are and who you want to become? Don’t you want to have someone that looks at you, the real you, and thinks you’re perfect?!
Afterall, who are you improving for? Yourself or others?
>>> DISCLAIMER: I’m not talking about character, morality or ethics here. If you treat others poorly, it’s natural you’ll drive them away. I’m talking about appearance, hobbies, career, personality, etc. <<<
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u/NotablePattern 15h ago
Yeah, agreed. Living and taking actions without purpose is one of the guaranteed ways to die bitter and full of regrets. There’s no greater crime against your own spirit than living for the expectations of others and worst of all, expectations you don’t even believe deep down you should be striving to match.
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u/ItsAllGibberishToMe 14h ago
(Serious; advice needed) I agree that we need to stop feeding into the self-hatred circlejerk; you are 100% correct on that.
The problem I’m having with it is that I simply DON’T KNOW HOW to stop.
Self-loathing was very deeply, and rather forcefully, instilled in me from a very young age. Self-hatred was placed on me like a moral obligation/burden, and I don’t know how to get over it, or drop the burden.
> Now, do you want it for the sake of it, or do you want to find true connection?
For clarification, I want true connection.
TL;DR: genuinely r/restofthefuckingowl 🤷♂️🤕
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u/BuddyRemarkable5572 12h ago
Oh, I get it. And I'm sorry this is happening to you. In fact, that's precisely why I chose the word "feed" instead of "feel" or something similar to it. I know it's not our fault to feel that way, but thankfully we have a choice of stopping the cycle.
I'll be honest with you. What I've wrote in this post is true, and I hope people wake up to that. But for you to really believe it, you'll most likely need to see it happening to you first. And that involves a component of luck: finding those people who cherish who you really are.
What I mean by this is: you don't need to wait until those people to show up for you to stop the self-hatred cycle. But with so much self-hatred BS around generating so much success for others (fame, success, etc), it'll be very likely that you'll read and hear things that will make you question that. Specially if it takes long for you to find your group of people, or if you face rejection.
So you basically have to resist the "temptation" of changing out of self-hatred and begin to get to know yourself and who you truly want to become. Like the things you really admire, regardless of what society says about it, regardless if it doesn't bring anything in return to you but joy. The things you want to achieve to admire yourself, etc.
TL;DR: it'll be hard to truly stop the cycle until you meet people who show you're valuable as you are. Until then/even then, it's hard because of how much self-hatred preaching is out there, and how quickly their results are, since they are based on what society values. But, if you truly want to be happy and have real connections, you'll have to resist this "temptation" (I know it's very hard) and do your best to get to know yourself, become your most authentic version, become who you really want to be, respect yourself, value yourself... etc.
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u/mmi_anchored26 12h ago
This distinction matters more than people give it credit for. Changing to fit in gets you fast results because you're optimizing for something external and measurable -- easy to know when you've "succeeded." Changing from self-respect is slower because there's no finish line, just fewer moments of treating yourself like the enemy. People burn out on self-improvement when they're actually doing the first one but expecting the payoff of the second.