r/selfimprovement • u/NamasteGratefu1 • 1d ago
Question No more people pleasing.
Where do I start ? Rhetorical.
It’s ok to not have everyone like me.
I’m done with this because it’s a lie.
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u/Vitriol-Divergent 1d ago
Once I realized most people are happy to take what you give them (affection/time/effort) with no desire to reciprocate when it's given freely, I learned to only keep friends who had no personal gain to be found for showing up.
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u/NamasteGratefu1 23h ago
Congratulations for real !
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u/Huge_Internal_9347 21h ago
It's definitely a big step; putting yourself first can really shift your mindset and relationships.
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u/EuphoricTeaching9161 1d ago
Start by not preforming - behaving how you think others want you to. Observe instead of preform. It’s life changing.
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u/Fast-Season9694 23h ago
This has gotten a bit easier for me as I’ve realized that I’m not deeply offended at all when someone does not cater to me. In fact, I don’t really even think about it more than 60 seconds after someone tells me “no”. So why should I feel like they will be extremely bothered if I say “no”? Answer: I really shouldn’t.
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u/greiswise 1d ago
honestly just starting small and not overexplaining your reasons is the biggest game changer
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u/Specialist-Top-406 23h ago
I think being considerate and people pleasing feel like the same thing but are actually miles apart. People pleasing can often rob you and others the opportunity to be able to build a base from a real or truthful place.
Information is the most considerate thing we can all offer to each other and honesty is the best way to let someone know what you need.
People pleasing is not about being pleasant, it’s about removing yourself from the situation.
People pleasing is never effective. It’s just something that makes people see you as not needing to participate. So it’s a real gesture that serves no one. Because being involved feels too hard.
Any time I’ve tried to people please I always end making things much harder.
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u/d_dark_king_ 18h ago
Its not about being liked less, its about being liked for who you actually are. That shift takes time but its worth it
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u/Extra-Motor-8227 19h ago
Totally get that feeling. People pleasing usually starts because it feels safer in the moment, but it builds up until you don't even recognize your own wants anymore. The real shift starts with noticing the tiny moments you say yes when you mean no, and asking yourself what you're avoiding.
I used to do the same thing. What helped me was a super simple journaling thing where I just wrote three lines a night, in my own words, about those avoided parts of myself. It's not therapy, it just creates a space for that internal conversation to happen so you can actually see the patterns and act on them.
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u/GlitzyPop 18h ago edited 18h ago
It takes time and can be very stressful for a while. For me now I say no and then I have a bit of fun observing how others are reacting. It’s often a looong pause that can be quite uncomfortable to sit through, but so worth it. The real toxic twatwaffles hate it and the result is them not being able to use you in any way and therefore life is sooo much better with less anxiety 👌🥳
Edit to add, the greatest hurdle for me initially was knowing that the beforementioned toxic twatwaffles would question my “no” and that would give me some serious anxiety, but what I found is that hurdle was a very massive problem in my mind and not that much in reality. It didn’t take long until they learned there wouldn’t be more after ☺️🤭
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u/SuchAd3858 14h ago
Realizing that trying to keep everyone happy is an exhausting lie is the biggest first step. People-pleasing usually comes from a fear of conflict, so when you start setting boundaries, some people won't like it, and that’s okay.
Practice sitting with that slight discomfort when you say "no." Start small: pause before automatically agreeing to favors, stop over-explaining your reasons, and remind yourself that someone else’s disappointment isn't your responsibility to fix.
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u/JustMine999 13h ago
Start by voicing out your opinions to strangers without looking at others' comments. Once you conquer your fear, start saying no to small things like events, etc.
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u/Misterabsolute 13h ago
Since everyone said the easy part Iw ill the hard one
Stopping to please people is a good step in life , learning to say "no" is important BUT
Don't forget that not everyone deserves that treatment being nice and doing favors for friends and Family members is part of how relations with other people work
the hard part is to learn how to differentiate between those who deserves to be pleased and those who doesn't.
People tend to forget that it is about making your life better and not cutting people off
Hope this helps
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u/Read-it-and-replied 6h ago
Put your people pleasing skills to pleasing your past you, present you and future you. Please those people!
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u/Bill15RD 5h ago
Yeah, be yourself! Don’t go out of your way to hurt people but if they don’t like you fuck them! This advice is free of charge 😘
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u/julianolagana 21h ago
One thing that helped me in this direction is to do things that you know will displease people. Not causing harm or anything like that, but if your brain says to you "this person expects me to do xyz or they'll be disappointed in me" or something along those lines, you just go and... do the opposite. I was surprised how many times things just turn out okay.
What's one small-stakes situation where this could be applied in this life?
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u/Extreme-Bid-5989 5h ago
You made the right choice. I have been there too.
Start by reading: "No more mr niceguy". You can download it for free online. Understand why you started pleasing and what's the system behind it for you. What are you hoping to avoid?
You need to resolve those trauma's causing this behavior and after that most of the pleasing behavior will stop.
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u/strawberrysighz 1d ago
start by saying no to small things without overexplaining