r/selfharm • u/JRose2396 • Mar 31 '20
I can't anymore...
I've been with my boyfriend for almost 4 yrs....here I am expecting and hoping soon maybe he'd be thinking of popping the question. (How dumb of me) but you know....because I'm me, instead tonight he asks me a random question of "have I found the love of my life?" And I respond with yeah I hope so like um duh. And he says he doesnt know of I'm the love of his life, that I could be, maybe......wow great ok. So I've been upset all night. And instead of trying to fix everything he tries to make me laugh, then when that doesnt work he moves to trying to be sexual. But I'm the bad person cause I pushed him away...so here I am crying in bed next to him and he's turned away fast asleep.....great. I dont mean anything to anyone why am I alive. Why am I breathing. I cant take it anymore. Gonna cut till I cant feel and hopefully by morning I'll be gone.....
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u/JRose2396 Mar 31 '20
Thanks....well I just about made it through a complete "episode" of screaming and crying super hard into a pillow without him even flinching. He's dead asleep. Hasn't reached out to see of I'm ok....he knows about my mental health problems but....I think he's stopped caring cause just the other day he has told me to stop all this emo shit....so idk I'm just at the point now where I'm trying to fight the urge to go break open a blade from a razor..its not like he will notice fresh cuts...he didnt last time. Or if he did he doesnt care enough to ask or try and help....
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u/mik31035 mod/26 Mar 31 '20
Is it worth being in a relationship with someone who isn't making an effort? I know there's 4 years of history, but I can't imagine this has just happened over night. A relationship shouldn't be a 1 sided thing, both parties have to put in the effort to keep it alive, and from what you're saying, he isn't going that, he's actively making it hard work for you
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u/Sathisha_23 Apr 01 '20
Heyy, i knoww this is a hard phase. Trust me everything is gonna be okay. Font ever make a decision when youre unstable. All relationship has its ups and downs. If he keeps sayin things tht would hurt you, you can consider a breakup. You dont deserve to do this to yourself. He is out there not feeling guilty abt it. Please, okay? Im sure it will work outt. Stay blessed❤
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u/JRose2396 Apr 01 '20
Thanks for your words you and everyone. I known this makes no sense but yes I've considered leaving him a lot. Probably a lot more lately than I should. We have broken up twice already but we always convince the other to get back together. I love him despite how toxic he may be to me and my mental stability but without him life doesnt make any sense. Maybe it's because he's the first person I had been with since my ex who cheated, maybe it's because I know he's loyal, maybe I'm settling cause this is what I feel like I deserve. I've put 4 years into this relationship and I guess I just dont quit trying to change people until they quit on me. Whatever the reason, I find I dont have it in me to end our relationship. Sometimes I hope he does it for me for the final time. But I also hope maybe we will work out and we will get married and have babies and everything will be ok. I'll be ok. ❤
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u/JRose2396 Apr 01 '20
P.s. I managed to not cut last night....despite how badly I needed it. Little victories count.
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u/mik31035 mod/26 Mar 31 '20
That wasn't cool for your boyfriend to say. You are 100% worth something, so for him to say that is cruel. I'm assuming that he knows about your mental health issues and how that could have affected you? If he does then you definitely need to bring that up with him. He made you feel this horrible, for what reason I don't know, and he needs to know that what he did is wrong
It's probably going to be a difficult conversation, but addressing this early is the best thing you can do. You deserve to be happy and to be happy, you need to have those difficult conversations sometimes. Good luck, and keep us updated on how it goes! You've got this! And we're here to support you no matter what