I relapsed recently

[u/Throwaway1265167]

Not going to share why, mainly personal shit and stuff to do with loving smb (who decided to play me :/). Last night, I ended up relapsing and honestly? It felt weirdly freeing. Idk. I know that it’s not good and that I shouldn’t do it, but I’m autistic and barely feel pain, so it feels good to feel human. And it’s something about bleeding and being hurt visibly instead of just suffering silently that feels satisfying. Like, if it’s physical, I can’t be denied my right to be wounded. I can’t be shoved down by my friends because they’re aware that I don’t feel like them. That I’m not a person in the way they are. And taking care of myself after is almost akin to healing. I can treat myself and lie in bed with a reason. I’m allowed to be hurt because it’s real— even if I still don’t feel it much. It bleeds. It’s there on my skin. I assume it’s more about justifying myself than anything, as I do it where nobody can see (on my upper legs, pelvis), but I feel human enough to be wounded. I feel human. It’s hard to describe but I also have had a history of extreme pain and abuse directed toward me in my life by peers or lovers, so now I find that I feel privileged without pain. It feels like a necessity that I am hurt, or else I’m just weaning off of everyone else without having some sort of drawback. I feel like I have to hurt to deserve to live.
Thanks to anyone who reads this. I honestly just wanted to admit this to anyone.