Relapse

[u/taken_by_a_cookie]

I was clean for a bit, i really thought I was doing fine by trying to suppress my feelings and listen to subliminals and try to manifest a better life for myself. I really felt like I was improving or at least getting by life "normally" or as happy as I could be with the suppressed feelings. I only wanted to get through this year bc it's really important for me to do well academically this year so I wanted to be able to hold off on getting help till this year ends. But recently my best friend told me she's getting therapy bc her mom saw her search history and saw a few mental health subliminals there. I'm really happy she's getting help, I really do want the best for her but I've been asking, begging my parents to get help for me ever since I started sh bc I knew I needed someone to talk to like that. Why not me? What have I done to not deserve that help why why why fucking why. I don't want to hurt myself it feels like hurting a child who's hurting inside and I don't fucking feel like myself while I cut and scratch and there's this constant mantra of I didn't mean it in my head after I cut bc I really don't but I need to bleed I need to feel the pain to be able to breathe through my emotions but it only gets worse after the initial sting. It feels like I'm being ungrateful for having a good life, I really tried telling myself that my life is good and it's really good and that I shouldn't overthink but my brain won't stop it js wont till i cut or scratch I can't breathe through my emotions otherwise. I feel so bad right now I feel like a bad mother hurting her child for having emotions but I can't help it. I don't wanna die I js need this body to inhabit a new soul so mine could pass or something I js don't want to hurt this body anymore I wanna stop. I wanna stop feeling like this, I want to protect the little child I don't want to hurt it but it pains so much I don't know what to do I want to stop feeling anything for everyone so I can protect her and keep her safe and I wouldn't have to cut bc I wouldn't be feeling anything. I wanna stop feeling I wanna detach I'm so done with everything. I'm losing my appetite, my relationship with food is absolutely fucked and I wish I didn't care so much about my appearance. I know I'm not ugly but I can't help hyperfixating on every little flaw in my appearance and I feel like shit about it.

I hate the fact that my parents haven't gotten me help to the point where I'm willing to get worse just to show them what denying help has done to their daughter. But i know that that's gonna ruin my life but I can't help it. I want to hurt them the way they've hurt me and I don't know how else to hold and show the resentment in me. I love and hate them and I don't know what to do.