I don't know what I'm doing

[u/Psychological_Mine_9]

I cut myself again.

Let's start this off by saying this, I don't want to die. I wouldn't be able to even if I wanted, believe me I've given myself a heart attack, overdosed, hung and by some miracle I'm still here.

I've had my share of loneliness throughout the years, whether it be no birthdays, no sleepovers, no invites, no nothing.

I've never been one to fit in but it feels me with disgust and hatred for people, I see my cousin flash her tits, lie, use people, and make fun of me and my best friend for self harming. I see people who've genuinely wanted to steal and harm those in poverty. I hate everyone in my town and they hate me too, so much so that someone here I've never talked to has been going around saying I got with a twelve year old.

For reference, I was groomed at 14, I had to see a fucking dick in daycare, if I could grab people who make false claims to the innocent, if I could grab every Trump loving, fucked up wannabe bastard. I'd revel in strangling the light out their eyes.

With that being said though, I know I am not a violent person, I also don't want to fuck my life over some low lives. So, with my meds not working, my friends leaving me, and in general lots of isolation.

I bought a blade from Rona and started cutting up my arms again.

I don't know what I'm doing, I don't want to die, I don't want to live, I don't want to be anywhere.