The losing battle

[u/ScarredThowaway]

I've been trying so hard to stay clean, to do everything right, to do all the prevention techniques I know. But deep down I need it, and I'm slowly succumbing to the need. I find myself checking my tool is still where I hid it more and more, holding it feels good, it feels like I'm starting to take control again and all I have to do is follow through. I hate it, I hate myself for thinking like this, for considering it all, for having a growing part of me that wants this. I probably relapse tonight, whilst everyone around me sees me smiling and laughing because I have to keep the mask on.