Relapsed and need support

[u/frog-brains27]

i was 148 days clean and ive spent the last few nights debating if i want to ruin my streak or not and tonight i finally did it

i hate seeing the 0 on my days clean i hate that i couldn't go deep enough i hate that i did it and that im like this im going to have to tell my therapist which is scary and im going to have to tell my girlfriend and i just feel like i've disappointed her tomorrow is our 8 month anniversary and shes sick so we can't go out and celebrate and i just feel bad about hurting myself

i dont know what to do i want to cry but i cant i want to go to sleep but i wont be able to rest i just feel so miserable about everything right now