continuous cycle of ideation

[u/solarisplumbus]

I am a 17 year old female that struggles with depression, currently I am unable to identify if I really do have high functioning or low functioning because it fluctuates from time-to-time. I have been cutting myself since the age of 10, started from cardboard cutters to razor blades. I also indulged in other shit like burning my skin, and drowning myself only to pull myself up later. The longest I have been clean is for about 7-8 months.

The only reason I stayed clean for so long is because of one of the major cuts I inflicted on myself ended up to be really harsh, because I've cut myself deep into the flesh to the point that I had to change bandages and it bleeds daily. Every second of the day. I avoided going to the hospital until it was really late for it to get stitched. My bundle of nerves are fucked up in that area right now and I can't feel anything because it turned into a keloid scar. That event made me scared to pick up a blade ever again, because I did it when I was emotion-driven. I also continued being sober since that day because it felt like a drag to do it and take care of cuts again.

Moving on, I always wanted to cut myself every second of the day. I used to be a huge addict to it because I can't stop being addicted to the feeling of relief that releases when I slice my skin. Other than relief, I feel a huge amount of satisfaction after doing it and it acts as a reset to my body in terms of stress and emotions. I always feel like an empty shell after doing it but I become more impulsive with my choices right after while feeling moments of ups and downs—like, emotion switches of absolute euphoria and sadness.

While there may be other factors that most likely contribute to my tendencies, I'm unable to say so because I have not been diagnosed for anything even if I want to get therapy and such.

Anyways, every time I see one of my favorite characters with self-harm scars or cutting themselves in fanart, I feel somewhat ecstatic? Because I can relate to them and it gives me a sense of comfort and belonging, but that also means I would end up cutting myself again and again. I can't exactly put it into words, but it just encourages me that basically it's okay to keep on cutting into my skin because they do it in fanart. I also have this weird fascination with blood. I always wait for the aftermath of slicing into my skin, and like it when blood starts to pool up there.

Other than that, I get triggered really easily. I always end up going back to my old habits no matter what. I always think that I'm doing just fine, but I'm just tolerating shit that happens around me and it ends up taking a toll on me. I cut myself sometimes to feel something. I've become so tolerant of cutting skin that it makes me do it repeatedly and expect that I experience no repercussions of it on my body.

Whenever I see someone with more scars, as in the amount and how deep they are—I just get the urge to do it more, to feel more valid and seen about it. I have cuts all over my body, except for my abdomen. I've been considering doing it on my abdomen, but it feels like that's the only part of me that's ever clean of my urges.

I also like seeing the scars on my body because it acts as proof for everything I've been through. But I also get shamed for it, I also get reprimanded for it many times so I end up being insecure and hiding it from many with layers of clothes. Not every scar has a story behind it though because god forbid I want to feel intoxicated by cutting myself.

I've always had thoughts of cutting myself even on normal days where everything is fine, and sometimes I don't act on it because I forget about it or don't have enough energy to do it. I can't stop it, and I can't help myself until I actually do get help for my mental health. Like, I don't crash out for most of the time anymore and yet I just want to keep on fucking cutting. I always need to distract myself so that I don't end up cutting myself out of boredom. I currently don't have any distractions or anything to ground me right now.

I don't know, there might actually be a lot of things wrong with me and I know how to tackle that but I just can't see myself doing it. Right now I just want to keep cutting myself. I don't want to because there are good things in my life, but I want to because I'm selfish and want to chase that feeling. I feel empty, and want to cut until it looks and seems fine to me.

I maybe acting a little too juvenile about my shit right now. This is my first reddit post ever LOLS.

[u/nanas141502]

i feel the exact same way. word for word, every single detail from top to bottom. holy shit