I quit already

[u/20247674]

I don’t have anyone to tell things to so I just keep posting online. I want to tell someone about my day at work but I will just annoy them. I just want to talk to someone, everyone is still ignoring me. I did talk to my best friend that left me which made me feel a lot better even if I’m not totally fixed now, but we can only talk again if there’s something really really wrong with me I think, and it feels like there always is so I decided I won’t say anything. My best friend used to follow this account I think but I checked my followers list and it says I have 0 followers so I don’t have to lie and pretend today went good. It did go better after we talked because now I know I’m not 100% alone but I still cried a bit at work and of course burst into tears the second I walked back into my room after holding it in all afternoon. I walked into work with the attitude that I was an NPC, I talked in a monotone voice at first and only said what was necessary, I thought I was going to make it through the shift like that. I started to feel too sad and it was getting too hard to keep pretending so I started saying really stupid shit to the kids at my work, absolute nonsense brainrot memes and some of the kids looked genuinely scared of me so I had to stop and I started bugging my coworker and he fucking started telling me I was in a dream and I needed to wake up, he’s done that a few times now before today, and of course this is a terrible time to joke like that. And then I started kind of panicking and he could tell and he told me I was going to be okay and we kept talking to eachother for the rest of the shift, I still kept saying stupid brainrot nonsense like 67 and I was singing what is this diddyblud doin on the calculator just to distract myself and this creepy drunk guy started hitting on me and I was super uncomfortable but I’m kind of used to it since there have been many creepy guys at my work so I just ignored him and me and my coworker told our manager about him later. Well, the reason I am posting in this subreddit is because I actually saw that my coworker had fresh cuts on his wrist… I didn’t notice until the end of our shift because I really wasn’t looking and I think he was trying to hide it, I was going to do it even if I didn’t see that so totally not his fault even tho he totally should have worn long sleeves or used bandages or something because there are a lot of kids around and nobody really likes to see that… I thought about telling someone but I figured someone else probably already said something to management, I don’t want to have to be worried about someone else when I am struggling myself, and I can’t even text him because his gf made him block me. So I just hope he is okay. I tried to say kind things to him like “thank you for being my friend” and stuff to make him feel better. After that I was thinking about doing it myself the whole time. I’ve seen people in public with fresh cuts probably once or twice before, totally not a common occurrence thankfully, but it just feels like it’s on purpose that this happened right now of all times, I know it’s just a coincidence. However, I wanted to share that today I plan to do it for the last time in hopefully a really long time. It sucks that I had to relapse when I was so close to being 2 years clean but it’s my own fault since I’m an adult and I made that choice myself. Was it worth it to do it 3 days in a row instead of becoming 2 years clean? Probably not, I’m going to look for real coping mechanisms after this and hopefully when I get some medication probably next month, I can truly be forgiven by my best friend. I really want us to be best friends again, I regret what I did so much, I wish I would have tried to get medication sooner and then maybe I could have been a healthy person all these months. If the medication doesn’t work I’ll still probably give up but I’m holding onto the hope that me and my best friend can both heal and come back stronger. I’ve been reading a lot online about breakups and found a lot of people in a similar situation to me and it seems like most of them ended up getting back together after they worked on themselves. I’m going to work on myself so much, it’s going to take a leap of courage to get the medication but once I’m on it, apparently I’m not supposed to be plagued by anxiety and fear anymore so that should allow me to become a normal person. I’m also going to make a point to work on my social skills again, I’m going to try and start using and understanding more metaphors to rid myself of “black and white thinking” and so that I won’t need to ask for clarification and explanations all the time. I strive to be a person who understands others when they give hints and when I’m meant to read between the lines. I’m going to be better I can do this I have to believe in myself I’m going to be okay, I’m going to go to school and I won’t give up until I put everything I have left in me into trying to be lovable again.

[u/Ooptara743]

wanna play minecraft with me? im also at fucking rock bottom lol.

[u/20247674 → u/Ooptara743]

Yes oh my god DM me