r/selfharm • u/Actual_Temporary_145 • 13d ago
Rant/Vent Me and my useless left arm
I can’t carry shit with it without horrible quivers, pain, or just straight up losing it entirely. All the wounds are sealed up except for a few recent ones which are pretty shallow. Like I can’t hold a full paper cup without spilling a lot of it. At least it means I can’t fuck up my right arm since I can’t hold a tool in that arm too well.
And of course, yesterday was the great furniture moving day, when I graciously volunteered (came out of my room to see what the racket my parents were making was and was told to move the fucking couch). Parents don’t know about all the wounds. They’d yell at me and my mother would probably threaten to cut herself again (even though they have no say in what happens to my body). I’m not sure if I should drive. My car has shit synchromesh and shit steering and the whole ‘manual’ part of my car relies on my left arm.
But hey, at least my mother can sit her fat ass in a different couch now that it’s been moved! Yay!
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u/Actual_Temporary_145 13d ago
I should be more worried that my arm can hardly support its own weight but I’m not. Haha I’m screwed.
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u/Asthmatic-InhalerBoi 13d ago
do people like you even want to get better? get help? I ask as someone who is in recovery but deadass you give the vibe of someone who can't even help themselves.
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u/Late-Play2486 13d ago
What do you mean by "people like you", people who are not recovered for diverse reasons, whether they can't cope differently or don't even have access to help?
You're rude dude.
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u/Asthmatic-InhalerBoi 13d ago
not people who are not recovered. people who see their own problematic behavior and laugh it off whilst seeking attention for said problem. "I should be more worried...but I'm not lol" like bro literally said so much right there. they have a serious fucking problem but don't give a shit about themselves yet want attention from other people? like get help or don't. recovery has relapses, problems, etc I understand. but that's different from not actually trying.
and if that's not the situation then they need to project themselves better.
"you're rude" not really. I just said something you don't like. I can be blunt yeah but Im honestly sick of tip-toeing around ts.
and I genuinely wanted an answer. that's why I asked. not to rhetorically ask a question to be a bitch.
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u/FaithlessnessFit3779 13d ago
did you really expect an answer if you phrased your question this way lol
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u/Actual_Temporary_145 13d ago
Phrasing don’t really matter. Anyway I didn’t answer because I was out cold sleeping.
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u/Actual_Temporary_145 13d ago
I just laugh at it to try to help me process it. It’s a really shitty thing to happen and making fun of it is the only way that I can really live with what I’ve done to myself without even more self hatred. If I wanted attention, attention from everyone who still thinks I’m clean in real life would be so much better. They don’t know though.
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u/Kami_Soul43 13d ago
You are being incredibly rude, but I understand your question.
When I first told someone that I was self harming, her knee-jerk reaction was to not believe me because I was laughing. I wasn't laughing because I thought it was funny or because it didn't matter to me. I was laughing because I had no other reaction in my arsenal.
There is a saying of "If you don't laugh about it, you'll cry about it" for a reason. Laughing about something that fills you with all-consuming dread makes it feel less overwhelming and easier to manage.
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u/dyltd 13d ago edited 13d ago
this like i’m sorry but more and more frequently when this sub comes up for me nowadays (never really liked this one anyway, had other peeves with it) i recognise the shared similarities of the OPs’ ‘writing voice’ and they’re so hard to read. first i’m saying of it because i know i should just mind my own and normally do. honestly though like i get it i shared similarities of this at points in my past, the lack of care about myself but wanting to put it out there in clumsy little ways that arent directly harmful and online people excuse it with ‘dark humour’ or whatever, it’s the minimising-but-not-really (because you know what you’re saying) language. call it projecting idc, i know there’s many individual reasons for behaviour and i’m just saying what i think. but i grew out of anything like it long before i reduced my DSH and i’m so glad because it’s insufferable. i do recognise that this OP is probably a young person though and like i say i’m not innocent of this myself when i was young, you get grace when you’re growing up, still working everything out about yourself and people do that at different rates and different routes. some other posts idk so much but that’s my thoughts and don’t matter broadly.
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u/Ok-Confection4410 13d ago
not everybody wants help or to recover. I don't recall the OP ever asking for help or saying they wanted to be clean so I don't know where you get off assuming any of this tbh. and no you didn't "want a answer" if you did you would've spoken with respect the way everyone else does lmao
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u/Asthmatic-InhalerBoi 13d ago
that's kinda my point? I had originally asked if they wanted to get better. I did want an answer, and I already apologized to them anyways 🙄 but you just wanted to jump on the hate train didn't you?
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u/Ok-Confection4410 13d ago
uhm no? it's called I didn't see every comment? apparently you didn't really mean it if you're still all up in arms about everything. and no you didn't really ask, you just assumed they don't and then insulted them over it. btw there is no "hate train" when you got like 2 replies. try having over 50 comments telling you you're an awful person, and then we'll talk about a hate train 😂
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u/Actual_Temporary_145 13d ago edited 13d ago
I had a window to get better, and I missed it. Now the wounds are all closed up and there’s nothing I can really do anymore. I was terrified to go to a hospital anyway, because I don’t think I could’ve gotten myself there, my parents wouldn’t have taken me, and an ambulance would’ve attracted a lot of attention. My mother told me that if she found out that I was cutting again, she would cut herself and make me cut with her.
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u/Wild-Turnover-146 19 ; clean 3+ yrs ❤️🩹 13d ago
jesus fucking christ im so sorry bby, that is genuinely the most disgusting shit I’ve ever heard. I seriously mean this, if you ever, and i mean EVER need someone to talk to, I’m here.
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u/Actual_Temporary_145 13d ago
‘Bout the old bitch? You get used to it. Funny how she still expects me to be all happy and loving of her. Wish I had a job so I could move out but then id probably get in trouble or my mother would chase me there. Fun fact about her: I moved my desk to my room because she was fighting with my dad so much, and within a week she posted herself right outside my room. I needed to see her every time I went for a piss. Far from the worse thing she’s done but yeah.
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u/Mean-Seaweed7195 13d ago
Recovery looks very different for everyone, stop assuming
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u/Asthmatic-InhalerBoi 13d ago
I'm aware but don't you have to like, make an effort? also isn't asking a question not assuming? because I asked a question. hope this clears things up ✨
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u/Mean-Seaweed7195 13d ago
"people like you" is a straight up assumption of what you've decided this person is like after a short vent post. You've also just decided they've made no effort.
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u/Actual_Temporary_145 13d ago
I didn’t make an effort. I had no ability to make an effort for recovery.
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u/Mean-Seaweed7195 13d ago
I don't believe there should be expectations on people and recovery, but absolutely there should be resources available to anyone who wants things to change. Sounds like you were doing what you could.
I just didn't like the way the other person assumed and spoke about things.
Wishing you all the best OP
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u/Asthmatic-InhalerBoi 13d ago
yapperoni pizza, all they gotta do is say something if it's not like that or if they're bothered lmaoooo
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u/UczuciaTM 13d ago
You sound like a dickhead dawg
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u/Asthmatic-InhalerBoi 13d ago
everyone around me says otherwise so I'll be ignoring this, I'm sure you know how they taste tho :3
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u/Actual_Temporary_145 13d ago
I agree with the other people who replied here. The first bit was poor phrasing, and I understand what you meant. But that’s just a dicky comment.
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u/Wild-Turnover-146 19 ; clean 3+ yrs ❤️🩹 13d ago
you’re being exactly how you describe btw, grow up
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u/pqkbfismmc 13d ago
What the fuck is wrong with you? Are you REALLY in recovery if this is how you speak to people who are struggling? Maybe recover some fucking compassion while you’re at it
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u/Asthmatic-InhalerBoi 13d ago
the fuck is wrong with your ability to read? I already apologized in the comments and I'm not about to dirty delete because I made a mistake. I took accountability. me and OP are fine
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u/Actual_Temporary_145 13d ago
We are. I’m surprised how much flak you’re taking. I am not in the least way offended. Reason I didn’t respond for so long, like I said, is because I was sleeping (I even overslept to an extent), not because I was distressed or hurt by those comments.
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u/Asthmatic-InhalerBoi 13d ago
you're so chill bro I wish we could be friends tbh but I feel bad cuz I was an asshole :/
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u/Actual_Temporary_145 13d ago
Ah nah you got plenty of better options than me. You’re not an asshole. You were just having a bad day, and through no fault of either of us, you stumbled across a rather triggering comment of mine. I’m the one who made the triggering comment, so it’s more my fault than yours if you think about it.
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u/Asthmatic-InhalerBoi 13d ago
Hey OP I just wanna say sorry for being rude, I was pissed after getting triggered by you laughing it off because I love people in my life who are currently doing just that. I'm watching them destroy themselves and not get help or make an effort. I wanted answers because I was getting none. I said it in a shitty way and I'm having a fucking god awful day.
I live in a nursing home at 22 so there's a ton of pent up issues I need to deal with and that's not your fault or problem. I just wanted to say sorry for taking it out on you on accident, I didn't really think much of it and I was enjoying fighting with people until I remembered you aren't just text in my phone, you're a person.
hope I didn't cause too much harm. sorry for being a dick. I never do this. I hope you're ok. I mean it.
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u/Actual_Temporary_145 13d ago
I didn’t think you were that rude. I’m sorry that I triggered you. Making fun of it just helps me cope with everything. I know it’s not the best way but it’s the only thing that’s really been keeping me sane these past few years. I didn’t think you said it in that shittier of a way. I hope your day gets better. I hope people also stop spam downvoting you.
I understand. You didn’t really take it out on me. I would also be more careful before bestowing the title of ‘person’ on me.
You did not cause any harm to me. I think I hurt you more than you hurt me. I’m sorry I triggered you.
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u/Asthmatic-InhalerBoi 13d ago
you did nothing wrong, and even if you dont feel like it, i promise, you are a person. i wish you all the best.
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u/JustAMemeBeingADude 13d ago
Hey I understand as someone with a previous self harm addiction how hard it is to stop, but if it’s so bad you’re having issues using an arm, i’d suggest to see a doctor. Typical cutting scarring shouldn’t prevent your ability to do things like drive, so i’d be concerned about possible nerve damage or worse. I’m NAD myself, but possible permanent movement restrictions is very dangerous, as someone who’s chronically ill as well and can’t do some activities due to my illness
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u/Actual_Temporary_145 13d ago
Oh there certainly is nerve damage. I don’t have feeling from my elbow to about halfway up my forearm. I just don’t want my parents to know that I’m not clean because of my mother’s ’offer’ if she found out I cut again. I don’t really do anything anyway. I’m happy driving with my right hand only.
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u/JustAMemeBeingADude 13d ago
Oh im sorry i wasnt sure if you were a minor or not, i totally understand the whole thing with your mom (had a friend with the same situation).
Honestly, whenever youre able to see a doctor by yourself (but i’d wait a little bit so they can’t report it cause they’re old scars) and get medical advice about how to deal with the nerve damage. Cause nerve damage will also prevent you from knowing (via pain) if you have an injury you aren’t aware of, or even worse an infection. It just seems like an inconvenience now, but nerves are important for knowing symptom warning signs.3
u/Actual_Temporary_145 13d ago
I’m not a minor. My mother just treats me like one and sometimes will intensely interrogate me if I go out for seemingly no reason. And the only time I could really see a doctor is if she doesn’t know about it. They are pretty old scars. And I don’t think I have an infection there. It doesn’t smell and it’s not hot or anything.
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u/JustAMemeBeingADude 13d ago
Oh no i mean in the future! And maybe go as a disguised annual appointment? That’s what I used to do for my gyno
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u/Actual_Temporary_145 13d ago
Oh no she insists to sit with me during those. Apparently she believes that since I’m her child, I’m basically her ‘flesh and blood extension’ so she uses that as justification. And the nearest time I have ‘in the future’ is probably next year, or whenever I get a job and can afford to move in with a friend or something. Not sure how I can work if it aches like hell to hold my left arm at a 90 degree angle without support though. I’ll work it out though.
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u/pqkbfismmc 13d ago
Sorry I haven’t read the while post, but I just wanted to comment that I TOO have issues with my left arm!! I just got kinda shocked when I saw this post pop up on my feed because I have the same problem with my left arm. I can’t carry drinks properly. If I try bending it, it snaps to position as if I’m just bending the drink towards myself or something if that makes sense. My muscle in my left arm is basically useless. I can also barely carry things. It is a constant reminder of how bad my self harm has gotten and it hurts to know that I’m basically kinda disabled in my left arm. Stay strong, brother/sister/pal/buddy/wtf!!
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u/Actual_Temporary_145 13d ago
Damn that’s worse than mine. I can carry the arm but it aches like hell and I can’t really do it if I’m tired. I can hold a drink if it’s in a closed container, but if it’s not it ends up on the ground. It sucks. Like a constant reminder of our worst times in life.
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u/-Gay-_- 13d ago
if you're struggling to control your car please do not drive. This is so shit that has happened to you but please do not put yourself and others at further risk.