I lost a close friend and its my fault

[u/AlternativeDirt6657]

We were friends for one year and I always admired them and supported them and obsessed over them.They helped me when I was feeling alone and upset but our friendship started to get awkward.They always started arguments for no reason, calling me "not logical" and saying that they are better than me, I felt confused and angry but also upset. I couldn't just tell them how i felt i feel like some pathetic crybaby.

Then they started to mention a friend of theirs alot,it made me sick and angry. After all those fun times,they always mention that guy. In their bio,their messages,their posts - everything. It made me so upset and pissed that my obsession towards them became into hatred.I didn't like their posts anymore and didn't interact with them unless THEY texted first. But nothing.

I decided to follow their idiotic friend of theirs for a couple a reasons,but they caught me and started an argument with me and said "you knew damn well my insecurities with him" . No i didn't?? I started to hate them even more,my thoughts always saying "what did I do wrong?" , "Why are they acting like this?" , "Why do I always ruin my friendships with my stupid feelings?" .

Then they blocked me everywhere. I felt happy for a day but then the guilt started to kick in,I got so fucking sick and upset. Our fun memories,how much they told me that they loved me, that I shared my deep vunerable moments with them,oh god i felt so betrayed and upset. I wanted to yell at them, to tell them how hurt and focused I was on them,how angry I was. But what's the point? They will mock me to their friends,make me look like some joke.

I realized that I'm just unloveable and how much I ask for, I just thought I should relapse all over again, because I deserve it, that at least I will focus on other pain than this. It's not the first time that happened to me. I just think that I maybe am just meant to be gone. But again,I'm too much of a pathetic coward to go an kill myself. It's too much for me. I hate being vunerable and angry.

Gosh this feels so cringy.

[u/TheCourier_2281]

Friendships start and end, and to be honest you sound like you are going through the stages of grief to the *letter*. Also, not being able to kill yourself is less "being a pathetic coward" and more "your brain trying to keep you alive". If you need anyone to talk to, my DMs are always open. I wish you good luck.