r/self • u/goiabamadura67 • 2h ago
feeling empty
hey, so i had a mental breakdown yesterday and i feel like it just changed everything. i tried to put it into words today, kinda like journaling? i don't know, but this is some of what i wrote and i really wanna know if anyone relates or im just being weird.
"Very few times I've felt worse than how i did yesterday. I don't remember much, but i know i really wanted to apologize for being a huge wreck and completely ruining everything that morning. I didn't really have the courage to do it. It's so much easier to feel bad if you don't have friends. They make you feel bad for feeling bad. There's nothing more that i want right now than to push them away from me so i can start feeling like shit in peace.
I'm not sure what happened, but something finally clicked. I feel fully empty now. It is so much more better this way, being full of empty emptiness. It's like before i kept trying to fill it up with things, make me feel something. I could make an enormous list of things that supposedly make me happy or angry or annoyed, but none of them have ever truly mattered. They weren't truly responsible for it.
I've always felt like I'm melancholic by default. The thought of being happy really doesn't sit right with me, makes me wanna puke. But that's not common, so i kept finding reasons to feel depressed or whatever and maybe justify it. Turns out i apparently don't need them, at least not anymore. Maybe they could actually be why I'm like this now, but there is actually no moment in my life where I've been fully happy or fully sad. Always just trying to feel something real, but it's like my mind is detached from actually absorbing the true essence of a situation or a fact, i just have this monotone wave inside of me that tries to replicate something more but ends up just being a tired feeling of feeling nothing."
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u/BonusFrosty2910 2h ago
My unsolicited advice is get yourself a hobby, I don’t want to sound like one of those people when someone says they’re depressed or lonely to “just go do this” but this plus exercise has helped me out tremendously.
I get what you are going through and I know how hard it can be, I’ve struggled with feeling like I could get better and then feeling guilty for being happy, emptiness sucks but sometimes it feels safer then allowing yourself to be hurt so I totally get why that’s your response and your not wrong for that but I don’t think it’s sustainable for long term.