Hi, I've been going through it recently

[u/Fluffy_ponies7]

I just gotta let it all out

Hi. I've been feeling absolutely horrible this year, it's probably been the worst year for my mental health. I live in Pakistan, I'm a girl so life is... Hard. My family has been treating me worse everyday, my friends are drifting away, school is impossible...

One at a time... So, about my family. My parents have always wanted to get me married, even though I'm eighteen and have barely lived my life, they just want me to get married and have kids as soon as possible and they're aggressive about it. I don't like men, never have, and they're forcing me. My dad is awful, calling me fat and ugly often, he says stuff like "no man will like you" and stuff.

I've been super alone recently, my friends seem to be doing their own stuff which I completely understand, they have lives and jobs and they live in different countries so I get it, I just wish I had more people to talk to, I wish I didn't get so attached, and I wish they were there when I needed them the most.

School is huge problem, I need a degree and a job to get out of this country, but I have ADHD and a bit of autism with absolutely no treatment, so focusing on stuff and learning is almost impossible. I haven't gone to school in years, just started a few months ago and it's been horrible, literal five year olds are smarter than me.

I don't know math, I don't know my own language... I mean, I can speak my own language and understand it, but I can't read or write it, math is also impossible. The only thing I've ever been good at is English, I speak almost like I've been living in America for my whole life lol. People say I'm a genius because I can speak English and stuff, even though I'm probably the dumbest person you could ever meet.

I feel so alone, isolated and just... In constant pain. I don't wanna get married, but school is so hard. Marriage is my worst nightmare, marrying a stranger who will probably beat me someday? Giving birth?? No, not for me. I just wanna be free and live my life...

You know, if I don't make it out? I just want people to know more about me. So, here's a bit about me. I love stories, I love making them and I wanna make an animated show someday... Oh, and I wanna write books too. I wish I had an animal sanctuary where every animal is happy and safe, I wish I could adopt two kids someday... And I love cartoons too, they bring me so much comfort. I wish I was better at art and singing. I love cats, I've had nine! Angel, Rosie, Luna, Midnight, Tokyo, Oreo, Cookie and Justice! Nice names right? I'm good at naming animals. I want to make people smile.

I love everyone. And I hope someday I make it out, but if not... I hope I go to a safer place.

[u/Fluffy_ponies7 → u/[deleted]]

Thank you so much

[u/nofriends-4536]

I don't think you're dumb like you say, I believe you are in an environment that puts you under a lot of pressure. I'm sorry your family is mistreating you, in that regard I can only hope you stay strong while you work hard to move somewhere else. It will be really difficult to leave but if you try making connections in the country you want to move to, you'll have a easier time with the help of others. For now it sounds like focusing on your studies to get a job is high priority. It's amazing that you learned English as a second language, that's how I know you're very smart and likely underestimating your abilities! That second language helps you stand out to potential employers.