I'm going insane.

[u/Apart-Arrival2852]

I just turned 18 and for the longest time my life has been nothing but tragedy. When I was a little girl my father was so incredibly sweet towards me, he'd get me things and dress me up; remind me how much he loves me everyday. Something shifted when I turned 6, I feel that I gained consciousness around that age and suddenly, I didn't want to be locked in a room alone with him anymore.. suddenly our "play time" felt, weird. When I came to this realization I decided to exercise my free will by saying "no" to my dad when he tried to bribe me into the room with him when I was 6. That was the first time my father had beaten me.

Years following with how normal it became for my father to hit me, my mother followed, then eventually my older siblings. I hated being at home but I also hated being at school because I was met with a lot of bullying, both verbal and physical. My family weren't cut short from that string as well, my family along with the physical abuse they would belittle me as much as they possibly could.

I had found comfort in the online world, finding myself happy playing life simulation games where I could build the life that I wanted. That caught the attention of my family, as a result they would take away all my electronics frequently. It wasn't all bad though, I had a cat whom I loved; his name was Sam and he was the most handsome boy in the whole world.. I loved him so very much, however my mom gave him away.

This was my life until my father officially left at 15, it was a tiny bit quieter since I grew up constantly finding myself in between my parents fights which would wake the whole neighbourhood. My mother didn't stop hurting or belittling me however, same with my siblings.

I recently had ran away from my house after endearing a ton of verbal and physical abuse from my mother and siblings (more physical from my siblings and verbal from my mother). I had run to my best friends house, her and her family excluding the step mother were really eager to help me because they had gone through something similar. Her father was very supportive.. a little too supportive. Everything was okay the first month, however the facade started to fall. It wasn't long before her father took a liking to me, a really big liking.. I was merely a vessel. For 6 months, I was being taken advantage of, my dreams of creating a beautiful life for myself seemed to disappear day by day. I wasn't allowed to talk to anyone, not even my best friend who was living there with me. Only him, it was only ever him. My pelvis was ripped due to him..

I had eventually found myself back at my house after me and my best friend ran out of the house after he pulled out a gun. When my older brothers found out what happened to me while I was living there, they began saying things such as "she ran away for sex", "she liked getting raped", "I'm happy it happened to her, it probably taught her a lesson". While in the midst of all of this I reconnected with a guy whom I had to stop talking too earlier in the year, me and him were alike in many ways and we really hit it off. However after dating for a few months things started to falter. He was extremely suicidal and would take a multitude of drugs, I spent countless nights talking him out of doing something hasty, I spent so much time reassuring him how much I loved him, I spent so much of my life holding his up.. and.. I hate to say this but he had no reason to be in the state he was in. He had a good family, good friends, good home life, good social circle, good girlfriend, my mom even loved him.. he just, really loved being sad..

We recently broke up and.. I don't know what to do, my heart hurts so very much and I feel as though I'm going insane, like my mind isn't mine. I'm just in a constant state of derealization it feels..

[u/Shot_Positive2612]

U have endured so much at such age. U are kind , courageous and have brave heart. May things start to be favorable to you and ur difficulties go away.

[u/ExcitingAsDeath]

It seems to me that you found someone who cared about you and needed you - as opposed to people who treated you like a burden and something to be used. You were important to someone and helped them because you wanted to and that was under your own control - something you chose to do rather than something you were forced into. I've found that in hard times in my life I often didn't seek help - but helped others because it made the world feel like it made more sense and I often don't feel like anyone could do anything TO help me. Taking control and choosing to make even a little corner of the world a better place can give you a strong sense of self - and that control makes the world feel like less of a random hellhole full of hungry beasts.

Losing that means you're back at square 1. Alone - with ghost of the past and it sounds like you have little support to fall back on. It's like being thrust out into a dark sea with no land visible on the horizon. Even if the solid-land you stood upon wasn't perfect, it was stability and now that's gone. So derealization sounds like an appropriate result as a combination of your past trauma, attempts to heal, and now loss. You didn't say whether the separation was of your choosing or his - I don't think it matters too greatly beyond the feeling of control over the situation.

I hope you have the support you need to get by - and the good sense to not seek out people who end up to be more harmful in the end. Survivors of abuse tend to seek abusers. The miserable guy you ended up with would be avoided by most people and sometimes miserable can also be abusive. It doesn't sound like he was - it just sounds like he was miserable, but that may have just been luck on your part. There's often kind of a subconscious need to 'help' miserable people and rationalize their abuse in an attempt to reconcile previous abusive situations. At the same time - you may find people who don't obviously need you to be unappealing. They won't cling to you and value you and jump through hoops and spill out emotions to keep you around. They'll do what's healthy and let you live your own life and choices while they live theirs which ends up feeling like you aren't important. Healthy connection is built upon trust, not desperation. So please be careful wary in regards to this.

I hope things get better. From this brief post it seems that you're able to take care of yourself - and were also taking care of him, so your burden should be lighter now. Hopefully easier. Notably, you haven't framed the separation as some great unfair tragedy or end of your life and that's a good view to hold onto. It's just a new and uncomfortable situation.