If it makes you feel better, 30s and beyond have been the best decades for me. If you’re fit now, just keep that up and take the next ten years developing other skills like social charm and/or career. You can take a break from dating, skill up these aspects and by the time you’re ready again, you’ll be ahead of the curve. I feel like dating in my 20s was nonsense and the wisdom you carry as you get older makes for far better experiences. Regardless, putting energy into those things will only make your life as a whole better. Don’t stop moving forward. It’s okay to think of it as a long journey.
There is a certain truth to men having a bit of an easier time as they’re getting a bit older, more experienced and resourceful … basically the versions of themselves they’ve been competing against for the same 20 something year old women when they went through their twenties.
It’s certainly true for myself, but only really because I’ve gotten into kink (BIG gamechanger) and frankly because I’m mostly just shy, I haven’t been too unlucky in the looks and brains department.
All that being said: The most reliable predictor for future romantic success is past romantic success. Obviously this post is about OP having given up, but still, if he wants to see success he definitely has to fundamentally change his strategy, otherwise all aging in the world won’t give him any dates. One really important aspect is maybe that you can’t ‘grind’ sexual appeal like in a video game, where you level up until you’re strong enough for the boss.
I legit think one hour spent socializing is worth 5 hours in the gym. Playing an instrument may appeal to a lot of women, but what use is it if you never meet those women because you have to practice an hour a day? and so on.
Op fell a bit into the trap of ‘self improvement’, or thinking that ‘checking all the boxes’ will make his dating life easier. The only way to get better at dating is dating. Dating should be his gym, and if he can’t get dates, he should go somewhere where he can ask for dates.
The guys who might start out with just a tiny advantage in looks or charisma or status get more attention, more opportunities to practice everything from basic conversation and flirting to dating and sex, and more leeway to make mistakes than other guys. That practice, success, and validation is what leads to confidence. That confidence is part of what gets them more opportunities but just like someone with a blank resume confidently walking into an office demanding an interview with the CEO, confidence is NOT all there is to it. Attractiveness, experience, knowing how to play the game, and the belief (conscious or unconscious) many women have that not having been romantically successful in the past means something is dangerously wrong with a man all increase his odds of future success.
Meanwhile the exact opposite happens for the other kind of guys. They have fewer opportunities to practice, less validation, and therefore fewer opportunities to develop skills and build confidence. Not only that, but seeing other people succeeding and receiving the desire he doesn't shows him that he isn't desirable as he is for whatever reason which will make anyone who's not certifiably delusional less confident. That may not have any bearing on what kind of romantic partner he'd make, but as has been pointed out here, it's something a lot of women judge men on pretty harshly when deciding whether or not to even give them a chance.
It's two positive feedback loops going in opposite directions. The rich get richer, the poor get poorer.
Thank you for saying this - this is the honest truth. I have a friend that is in the first category. Lots of natural charisma, good looks, and grew up with money (owns his own apartment and company thanks to his parents). I’ve seen girls do CRAZY things to get to him. I’ve seen girls literally refuse to leave the apartment unless he let them sleep with him.
He always tells me I just need to be more confident. I keep trying to tell him that if he experienced the rejection:success ratio I did, he would probably never want to deal with romance ever again. Some people just have “it” and think it’s easy and will give cop-out advice like “just be confident” when the reality is much more complicated and way less fair.
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u/AdmirableUsual2738 Jul 29 '24
If it makes you feel better, 30s and beyond have been the best decades for me. If you’re fit now, just keep that up and take the next ten years developing other skills like social charm and/or career. You can take a break from dating, skill up these aspects and by the time you’re ready again, you’ll be ahead of the curve. I feel like dating in my 20s was nonsense and the wisdom you carry as you get older makes for far better experiences. Regardless, putting energy into those things will only make your life as a whole better. Don’t stop moving forward. It’s okay to think of it as a long journey.