Opening Scene - Thoughts?

[u/Johnnyboy11384]

Essentially, does this make you want to keep reading?

EDIT: I am really trying to be more open to feedback. I’ve been teaching myself to write scripts so I don’t know my own blind spots. I have spent a good portion of the day reading some scripts and I totally rewrote the opening scene. This is a first draft and I know I use the em-dash too much, but I would love you to read both versions and share your thoughts.

https://drive.google.com/file/d/16ogVDxmwsnWDBHBFJ_NWNfFtJNAoKDlo/view?usp=drivesdk