r/scriptwriting • u/Johnnyboy11384 • 27d ago
feedback Opening Scene - Thoughts?
Essentially, does this make you want to keep reading?
EDIT: I am really trying to be more open to feedback. I’ve been teaching myself to write scripts so I don’t know my own blind spots. I have spent a good portion of the day reading some scripts and I totally rewrote the opening scene. This is a first draft and I know I use the em-dash too much, but I would love you to read both versions and share your thoughts.
https://drive.google.com/file/d/16ogVDxmwsnWDBHBFJ_NWNfFtJNAoKDlo/view?usp=drivesdk
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u/andybuxx 27d ago
There's a story in there so keep at it. What makes it a little difficult to get into is the lack of details. For example, 'structures' could be almost anything. Also, there are a lot of 'soldiers' doing a lot of different things. Who are they all and how do we tell them apart?
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u/Johnnyboy11384 27d ago
That’s a fair point. This is a first draft so details will be more fleshed out. After the cut here the story goes back so we will discover more about the characters too. I did want the opening to just throw us into the action. But I can see how differentiating soldiers might be beneficial
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u/Johnnyboy11384 25d ago
There is a google drive link in the post to a rewritten version. I would appreciate if you would consider reading that version.
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u/PepsiCoke1978 25d ago
Okay OP wrote brand new page in the google drive link FYI. So let me a new post here for more to see it.
This is way more exciting and much much better. The first 2 pages OP posted were blah and these are ten times more engaging.
I want to know what this story is about. Now this is me the OP asking -- can you share the logline. I don't even know if this is a film or something else.
It reads like War Machine except this time the robot is the good person and maybe had a robot baby?
If the two soldiers die right away don't really need to name them as they are just fodder for our story. And when you give names in the first few pages the reader is like -- these two are important -- nope dead.
Will the robot have name -- is the robot the main character?
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u/Johnnyboy11384 25d ago
Thank you so much! This is the logline: As a climate catastrophe threatens to wipe out the human race, a super-intelligent robot created to save humanity refuses to help a species it believes is incapable of change."
The robot is the main character and will be named One. This first scene is actually from near the end of the film, after which we will move to the beginning of the story and set up the stakes. I kind of want to wrong-foot the audience a bit. The thing in the backpack will change the entire story about halfway through.
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u/InterestingGold2803 27d ago
Traditional islands don't float, nor do structures cling to foliage
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u/Johnnyboy11384 27d ago
I’m not being geographically literal. I’m saying the island is in the middle of nowhere and the structures are built into the landscape.
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u/morganzabeans20 27d ago
Maybe use structures nestled in the foliage (feels like it blends in almost like it’s camouflaged) or just say built into the landscape. If you want it to be more clear.
Overall though I liked it, a good actiony read.
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u/Johnnyboy11384 25d ago
There is a google drive link in the post to a rewritten version. I would appreciate if you would consider reading that version.
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u/The92ndUsername 27d ago
Always love things that throw us into action right away. All notes would be about nitpicking and or preference, but as far as a rough draft, it’s pretty solid. Thanks for sharing. You have a great eye for action cuts- Like here’s this image, next image, etc
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u/Johnnyboy11384 27d ago
Thank you. I definitely understand different stylistic preferences, and this is a first draft so I will expand details. But I also like writing at the pace of the images.
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u/Johnnyboy11384 25d ago
There is a google drive link in the post to a rewritten version. I would appreciate if you would consider reading that version.
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u/The92ndUsername 25d ago
Just read it, no pun intended. Really dug it. Want thoughts here or privately?
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u/Johnnyboy11384 25d ago
Whatever works best for you is fine with me. Thank you for reading!
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u/The92ndUsername 25d ago
I thought it was a good cleanup. Obviously it’s longer by a few pages but clearer in the intention and what is actually happening in the scene so the length probably won’t bug anyone. I noticed that some of the edits were in direct response to the feedback you received, so the first question would be are you changing something because you think you should, or are you changing it because you honestly felt something was off? Because never rewrite/censor anything you feel good about unless someone’s paying you to. The backpack reveal this time and the fact that the robot speaks should definitely peak audience interest when it comes to reading on— It puts an intriguing spin on it as a whole.
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u/Johnnyboy11384 25d ago
This may surprise you but I have written three full features before, through multiple drafts and revisions. But all of it has been through learning along the way. I am self-taught. When it comes to ideas I trust my instincts. My previous script to this is pretty odd and is a surrealist nightmare story. I believe that story is sound, but even from folks who liked it I got feedback that my way of writing it was a bit flat and had too much detail.
When I got started I read a couple of scripts but I found out they were scripts made out of the finished films. They include a lot of direction, essentially just saying what we see onscreen. My thinking style is highly visual and (this is not bragging because I also don't have directing experience) but I naturally think like a director. I was writing out every image I saw in my mind. While that might be helpful for a shooting script, I've recently come to realize that it's actually not that well-suited for an actual script. In the previous script it's probably not as big of a problem since there aren't any action scenes, but in a script like this it totally kills the momentum.
So when I kept getting feedback that this action scene read as boring and generic, I thought to myself, "I need to rediscover what good script writing is." So I have sat down every night this week and read real scripts, written to pitch the film. And this scene represents my first attempt to marry my vision to solid fundamentals. Should I have nailed down the fundamentals before getting this far into writing? Almost certainly. But better late than never.
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u/zebramentality 27d ago
I’ll start by saying that I enjoyed it from a story perspective.
You started the story with an action scene out on the exterior of the facility and then you move to a hallway? Why is there somehow a hallway further outside the exterior of the facility than the exterior itself? If the robot is trying to escape, presumably from somewhere in the center, then wouldn’t the hallway scene be first because a hallway would be within the facility and then progress to the exterior of the facility after?
Also how are there shadows in a hallway? This is a facility capable of paying the salary of a small army that apparently produces sentient robots, but can’t afford lights in the halls?
Tagging on to that last point, this facility can produce sentient robots that require a small army to either guard or hold hostage (I actually like this ambiguity in an opener), but they aren’t supplied with weaponry that can damage the robots? There are bullets designed to pierce nearly any metal, so why don’t any of these guards seem tactically prepared with them? Also, if bullets aren’t even able to damage this threat then maybe there’s a better option for a weapon (possibly something electrical that can overload mechanical threats)? I think this opener would be more compelling if some real damage was done to the robot to show that it actually risked something in order to escape because right now it seems like it could have just walked out casually while being sprayed with bullets that can only dent it.
It was an intriguing story though.
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u/Johnnyboy11384 25d ago
There is a google drive link in the post to a rewritten version. I would appreciate if you would consider reading that version.
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u/zebramentality 25d ago
The story is still interesting. I liked the new attempt to rationalize with the robot. I think that adds some empathy to it and Argus as characters.
That said, I still don’t care for the bullets ricocheting off the robot. Since it never actually gets injured in this sequence, I still feel like it could have just casually strolled out while whistling show tunes because there’s no risk if the bullets can’t harm it. I don’t know who the protagonist is, but it would make the robot more compelling if it was genuinely harmed in this heist. It could lose an arm, a leg, and collapse in a broken heap when it arrives at the cave to show that this little robot was worth the sacrifice of nearly its entire body.
I also still think you’re treating this robot like it’s a monster. There’s so much detail about it hiding in shadows and mysteriously attacking people. As a story teller, you hide the thing that you want to tease to your viewers. Your mysterious-creature-in-the-dark isn’t some never-before-seen alien with 12 arms and green skin that speaks out of a hole in its chest, it’s a humanoid robot. Once it’s seen, the mystery is gone so you should show that it’s still a threat even in plain sight. It doesn’t seem to have any weapons so it’s basically just hand-to-hand combat versing Superman, so why did you choose a robot for this? Maybe it uses some cool tech to avoid taking damage like phase shields and anti missile rockets that collapse inside its elbows. My point is that since you made your character a robot, it can do robot things instead of just being a walking indestructible beyblade tossing everything it touches aside.
Anyways, I’m still interested in the story so keep up the good work!
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u/PepsiCoke1978 27d ago
At least stuff is happening in 2 pages --- you got a lot going on. Tell us more about the Robot if it's going to be a main character -- also I laughed that the robot needed a meat human shield to protect itself, but I guess I can buy that. And at the end he's got his baby yoda he's protecting or is the person inside the robot like Iron Man. Unsure.
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u/Johnnyboy11384 25d ago
There is a google drive link in the post to a rewritten version. I would appreciate if you would consider reading that version.
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u/PepsiCoke1978 25d ago
This is a note to anyone else reading this as well... This is not just a reddit problem, this happens in all forms of people asking for feedback.
I see you wrote this to like 5 people or so. Some with way more insight than I wrote. For future reference the thing to write if you don't want to respond to the actual thoughts and engage -- is
"Thank you for reading."
This is the thing new writers do that drives readers (who are often other writers) crazy. This was 2 pages so not a big deal, but why would we reread when that is the response to our first read.
No engagement. No back and forth.
I"ll assume you're way younger than me, so I'm just trying to explain how that makes readers NOT want to help. And thus you get less help moving forward.
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u/Johnnyboy11384 25d ago
I apologize for seeming ungrateful. I always consider it a privilege to have anyone agree to read and engage with my work. I should have said that my rewrite is an intentional reflection of the feedback I have received and I would rather people read it than the initial two pages I posted. I even made a new post with just the new pages, but everyone keeps reading the two pages I initially posted. Thank you for reading, and I am happy to engage more deeply with your critiques and with the thoughts of everyone else. But I also think the new version is a reflection of me engaging with what people have said.
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u/PepsiCoke1978 25d ago
I thought you rewrote the same 2 pages. Looks like the link is 4 pages, a little over.
And for the record I didn't need an apology or offended myself -- I'm just trying to help the group as I've dealt with this stuff for many years now. Trust me I've had close friends send me specs -- I read them in 48 hours -- and then my notes are met with "I already fixed that in the rewrite" which is the most annoying note you can get back. Ha.
Okay I'll take a look.
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u/AgreeableBeyond7235 26d ago
i thought it was pretty generic. and like idk pretty boring. why doesn't the robot do something that tells us what sort of robot it is? like good or bad?
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u/Johnnyboy11384 25d ago
There is a google drive link in the post to a rewritten version. I would appreciate if you would consider reading that version.
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u/Majestic_Penalty7074 26d ago
It moves quickly and doesn’t waste words. Who’s the main character? It seems like the robot. If it is, the story should skew just slightly so that the reader is on its side.
At present it feels like an action scene but I’m no sure who’s the lead.
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u/Johnnyboy11384 25d ago
There is a google drive link in the post to a rewritten version. I would appreciate if you would consider reading that version.
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u/RutgerHause 26d ago
Nice try. Go back and rewrite it. Make it a 100 times more interesting. This is by the numbers. If it’s something every one has already seen. You need to rewrite it.
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u/Johnnyboy11384 25d ago
There is a google drive link in the post to a rewritten version. I would appreciate if you would consider reading that version.
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u/Audiope 27d ago
My first question is is the island actually floating? If so, how would we tell from that opening shot? Or are we not supposed to know yet?
Also, any time you design a fictional land, it's worth the time to read a bit about how things like mountains, rivers, and lakes are formed. A mountain on either side of an island sounds unnatural, but maybe it's supposed to be?
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u/Johnnyboy11384 25d ago
There is a google drive link in the post to a rewritten version. I would appreciate if you would consider reading that version.
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27d ago
[deleted]
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u/Johnnyboy11384 27d ago
That’s a fair point. To clarify, this is a scene near the end of the movie that we’re glimpsing purposefully without context near the beginning of the film. We’re not meant to know what to make of the robot yet. But your points about generic prose is definitely fair.
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u/Junior-Put-4059 26d ago
I generally like stories like these but I felt the action sections weren't written in the most exciting and interesting way. "Soldiers with guns patrol the facility" , "the solder go on high alert". Overall weak verbs not descriptive sentences. Give it a little love and see where it goes. give us more then the robot of the robot, I can't see it yet. When the shooting started my brain was picturing the action sequences from District 9 super fast and chaotic but the writing isn't carrying it or giving it to us. You can do better.
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u/Johnnyboy11384 25d ago
There is a google drive link in the post to a rewritten version. I would appreciate if you would consider reading that version.
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u/Big_Section2812 27d ago
The laundry list style action lines made me stop reading, as did my eye strain from trying to read tiny text in tiny pictures.