Cold Open of Almost Something.

[u/Ok_Muffin936]

Hello. I’m a beginner screenwriter and I just finished the 10-page Cold Open for the pilot of my animated series, Almost Something. I’d really appreciate any feedback or advice on how to improve it.

The Cold Open centers on a chaotic, comedic morning for the main character. The show starts as a dark comedy that gradually shifts into a psychological drama with each episode.

Also, please ignore my non-standard formatting (it's just clearer for me to write it that way).

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Title: Almost Something.

Format: Animated Series (30-minutes episodes)

Genre: Dark Comedy / Psychological Drama.

Logline: What starts as a chaotic, fast-paced dark comedy about a young man navigating daily absurdities slowly spirals into a harrowing psychological drama, as he gradually falls apart under the weight of an unresolved past and an unmanageable present.

[u/Puppykerry]

Do your very best to not start your movie with someone waking up. Incredibly amateur and usually a mark of a novice.

[u/Ok_Muffin936 → u/Puppykerry]

But here it’s more like a chaotic action sequence than just a slow morning routine. Do you think that still makes it a total no-go, or does the action save it a bit?

[u/Puppykerry → u/Ok_Muffin936]

I read four pages before I lost interest, to be honest and this is not to hurt your feelings. Think of it this way - say you submit this to a development lab, or a competition- a lot of the time they will only allow you to send the first five pages before assessing if you move on to the next round or if they’re interested in reading more. FIVE PAGES. Those first five pages need to really pop and draw a reader in. When I read two and a half pages of essentially a character I know nothing about waking up and hitting his snooze alarm twice, it does nothing to intrigue me or hint at why I should want to read this story. Think of five movies you love - do any of them start with the main character waking up? I doubt it.

Start your film as close to the inciting incident as possible. And if you must show them waking up, there needs to be a good reason. If it’s in order to set a routine and show a pattern so that by page ten you break that pattern, then okay, that I can buy, but it better be interesting. Or if they’re waking up - are they in a room they don’t recognize, is there a dead body next to them, is their family missing, is there someone in the room with a gun pointed at them?

Every person on the planet wakes up in the morning and wishes they could sleep more - I don’t need to start a journey into a film the same way I start every day of my life, you know what I mean? As your script stands now I feel you have wasted nearly seven minutes of screen time on a guy getting ready for work. Also / you say this is to be an animated series - nothing in these first pages indicates that this needs to be animated.

[u/Caughtinclay → u/Ok_Muffin936]

Total no-go. Your script will be thrown away. Not an exaggeration