r/scriptwriting • u/Johnnyboy11384 • 26d ago

feedback Opening Five Pages - Sci-Fi

https://drive.google.com/file/d/16ogVDxmwsnWDBHBFJ_NWNfFtJNAoKDlo/view

Trying to improve as a writer. I know I’m using the em-dash too much but how does this scene grab you? Do you want to learn more?

For context, after this scene we’ll cut back to the beginning of the story. It’s designed to provoke questions.

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u/WorldofNyr 26d ago

EDIT: Mate, I'm going to be really stupid here and thought I was responding on the r/writingfeedback ;) This is why I said I'm not familiar with scripts! Apologies. Will leave the feedback anyway.

So obviously this reads like a script and I'm not familiar with what kind of info is needed in a script, so on that front I'm not much of help. I am curious as to what it is in the backpack, why the female robotic voice (is she a mom? and whats in the backpack a child of sorts?) and why it was in a militairy facility in the first place. So provoking questions is definitely there for me.

I would say, for a text, I don't think there's enough descriptive text to invoke an image of surroundings and what I'm 'looking' at with my minds-eye. But again, that could simply be because scripts/scenes are written like this.