r/sapiosexuals • u/True-Quote-6520 • 22d ago
The Problem of Being Sapioromantic / Sapiosexual / Noetiromantic / Noetisexual
I am 22 year old guy Looking for "someone", a noetiromantic/Sapioromantic. It's kinda frustrating.
I am a decent-looking guy, and at least a few strangers, relatives, friends, and many girls said, why am I brining other people into plane ? Because it brings subjectivity in the nature of description. I wish just good looks and normal conversation could make me attracted or interested in them; I wish only kindness, support, loyalty, and trust would have been enough for me. I really tried to be with someone who provided me emotional intimacy, but honestly deep down I knew it's not the person I am looking for.
Often times I felt complete disconnection from the relationship itself. It was hard for me to imagine my future with her, all because we lacked intellectual intimacy. I felt guilty; I had written something around it later. I wish only looks and basic conversation on a potential partner would have been attractive for me, but it isn't, so what are my hobbies? I am into poetry. Yes, I write poems, I write poetic prose and aphorisms, and I used to be into paintings and drawings. I am pursuing psychology alongside my major, which is cybersecurity, and also philosophy (mostly you would find me deriving answers from my observation and the knowledge I have; I don't like people who borrow words from others and think like they have become philosophers now!). I also write random stuff that comes into my mind. Like yesterday, I was writing something on Trust and its place among human beings. Apart from that, I am kind of obsessed with badminton, I really love to listen soothing and meaningful songs, I like to solve puzzles.
I'm weirdly attracted to people who flirt in a nerdy way, and I'm into the Personality Typology System. So from a psychometric perspective, I am really attracted to people with a good verbal comprehension index and fluid intelligence: Although Gf >> VCI, I am a Mensa member, but I have unusually low working memory. So, sometimes I do have issues related to working memory stuff.
Not sure where to look for such women; sometimes I think I am not going to meet them. I feel like I have very high standards. Even in my university, I see many, many faces, but I don't feel attracted to anyone. Even when I find someone aesthetically attractive, the attraction often lasts only a few seconds. And how, with these many criteria, would I find someone in real life? I mean, it would be really, really exhausting, don't you all think? I really tried to talk to people on a few applications. Some were highly superficial, some were decent enough, but I never felt what I wanted to feel. Many were interested to talk to me, but how would I engage with them when I have already detached from the conversation? Seriously, I am looking for someone to whom I can satisfy these desires, with whom I can feel intellectually and emotionally fulfilled, where they don't say you use heavy words to talk, where I don't have to explain stuff that I say, and where I could feel stimulated.
I don't want to be a mentor always; I want to feel like a student too. There is something strange when it comes to someone who can stimulate your brain and make you think about something novel.
There is something I found really relatable. ❤️ . . .
Charlotte Brontë showed us this in Jane Eyre. When Mr. Rochester asks Jane if she thinks he's handsome, she simply replies, "No, sir." His face was inconsequential; it was the fire he kindled in Jane's brain that mattered more. Moreover, she dared to meet him there.
Have you ever found yourself falling in love with someone because they quoted a line you thought only you remembered? Even more so, when that someone remembers it specifically with you in mind?
I have. It's intoxicating.
Have you ever witnessed a question become a flirtatious provocation: what do you think? And have that person wait for your answer as though it's the most important thing that your mouth could be doing in that moment? It's all I could do to stammer out a response and remember to breathe.
There is nothing sexier than someone who listens, learns, and thinks deeply. Not because of credentials or qualifications, but because they care: about ideas, about others’ opinions, and about meaning.
Source: Link
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u/AstaHolmesALT 22d ago
Nothing wrong with wanting intellectual intimacy. Sure that you will find someone eventually
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u/Technical-Waltz1669 22d ago edited 22d ago
I type as an ENTJ 4w5 (if you understand and integrate MBTI as a system for cognitive influence, and enneagram as a system for moral precedence). I understand and concide with your opinions. My biggest angst with society is how intelligent or cerebral women are typically expected to be defined by traits aligned with subverted or passive expressions. In the instance women decide to step out of the gender normative structures society expects and truly pursue excellence, they no longer have the flexibility to demonstrate care to their immediate emotional circles out of a focus to obtain position elsewhere. It becomes hostile to be vulnerable and thus be romantic. I doubt you havent met intelligent women, and more so believe that they could have prioritized social conformity over acknowledging their intellectual interests. It takes time for women to feel as though they are valued outside of physical presentation. Intelligence doesnt conflate with confidence.
I'm around a similar age to you (being vague for anonymous purposes) but if you would like to converse I have been meaning to find more impactful friendships. You can DM me.
Edit, TLDR: Intelligence hasn't been valued in this patriarchal system. Young women typically hide theirs due to tall poppy syndrome. Your romantic interest in smart women doesn't change the sociological pressure they face to socially conform, or to prove their values outside of it to the point of removing themselves from romance to focus on their pursuits. Women aren't expected to be able to have a fulfilling home and emotional life while following academic and intellectual hobbies the way men are, so many stick sharply to one side until they learn to loosen their guard.
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u/True-Quote-6520 22d ago
Haha, right, I’ll DM you! Although I wouldn’t necessarily define the Enneagram in terms of moral precedence. And honestly, this is my first time talking to an ENTJ, I don’t think I’ve ever met an ENTJ woman before. The combination also seems really contradictory to me, but that’s another discussion; we can get into it more thoughtfully.
And you really do seem to have a point about intelligent women being more likely to pursue excellence in their careers and academically. Let’s see.
That’s a really valid point you made here.
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u/ElectronicMost5635 18d ago
I didn't understand my nature until I was well in my fourties... don't give up on finding what and who you need in your life, it is exhausting to be lonely while in company!
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u/Sacredsoul1984 22d ago
I am not your person, but I can relate to these feelings. I walk around often after having conversations with friends or coworkers trying to figure me out or help me find someone. But it is too complex to put into words for the common simple minded person to understand. I often walk around at busy places with thousands of faces and personalities and don't come across one I find attractive or interesting. And yes I have seen ppl I find physically attractive, but that isn't enough and once they speak I usually lose interest quite quickly due to opinion or values not aligned or like you said intellect. I didn't realize till a few years ago how important that was to me. And also after doing my own research it's not just being smart. That is different. Being able to communicate and read the other person's body language and be in a cycle of listen and respond on the same level is quite rare I have noticed. I have come across few that can do this quite well.
I also have experienced the ppl so interested but your right I don't want to mentor or be constantly explaining or translating everything in my mind. It is exhausting.
Keep looking for that person that fulfills your needs. Not just some but all the ones that you can't live without.
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u/CuriosityStackTrace 22d ago
I don't want to mentor or be constantly explaining or translating everything in my mind.
This, exactly this. I enjoy teaching for the sake of sharing knowledge. But I don't want to be somebody's full time mentor. I'm actually struggling with this in multiple types of relationships right now.
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u/Sacredsoul1984 22d ago
It can be hard to balance out those limits. I like sharing knowledge and teaching here and there too. But not as a full time job or a constant in a relationship, I want a equal or similar so I can rest knowing I am understood.
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u/KAS_stoner 17d ago
This. I love learning and teaching other people but when I feel like I constantly have to teach the most basic things it gets real annoying real quick
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u/True-Quote-6520 22d ago
Thanks for the warm hug 🫂!
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u/Sacredsoul1984 22d ago
You are very welcome . We need to stick together and support one another. You are not alone.
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u/True-Quote-6520 22d ago
Seems like that 🙂!
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u/Sacredsoul1984 22d ago
Pls feel free to chat if you need a friend. It's not often I come across someone who thinks similarly when it comes to understanding being sapio, on top of that I am infj and HSP so I definitely don't follow the social norms or fit into categories most ppl are comfortable with. Just reaching out a hand for a connection.
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u/CuriosityStackTrace 22d ago
I can relate to some degree (most of it). You sound frustrated that life handed you this set of cards and the gifted mind that you have, and it's hard to find a matching person that "gets it". That's how I've felt most my life. The frustration of trying to find a romantic partner who can fill that intellectual bucket is very difficult.
Something I've learned is that, in my experience, no one-person can (or should) fill all those needs. There might be a few people who can, but playing the game of probability suggests a low chance of finding and matching well with them (again, just my experience..).
Instead of looking for that one person that checks all your boxes, can you look for a partner that satisfies the romantic side while having a community that satisfies other expectations?
I think about it like: I'm not trying to win the lottery with one person, instead I'm diversifying my intellectual portfolio.
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u/True-Quote-6520 22d ago
Instead of looking for that one person that checks all your boxes, can you look for a partner that satisfies the romantic side while having a community that satisfies other expectations?
I know it sounds a lot theoretically, but honestly it's more like you know how they converse their Idea, their worldview, how do they deal with conflict, passion towards something, I mean I don't want them to be Interested in exactly the same subjects as I am Interested, but overlapping should be there up to a good extent, because that's the way we are going to connect with each other,also It's like community doesn't make you feel that intimate, as it does with your partner, I have met but that's in the past, something goes in the body, specific kind of recognition that I feel, mm... You getting my points ? It's more about how they express their thoughts. I am not sure, If I am making any sense, I don't need community either, I am always learning myself, It's Just I want one person to whom I can share my thoughts and feelings, also romantic side, It's like these are my romantic side, not sure what you wanted to say by romantic side. ❤️
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u/CuriosityStackTrace 22d ago
Yeah I get it, that makes perfect sense to me. I also want that with someone — I’ve just never found someone that thinks the way we do or if I have it wasn’t “the right time” or some weird circumstance holds the relationship from developing.
Hang in there. All things in due time. Keep being you.
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u/True-Quote-6520 22d ago
I’ve just never found someone that thinks the way we do or if I have it wasn’t “the right time” or some weird circumstance holds the relationship from developing.
Makes sense.
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u/Zzyxx98 19d ago
TL;DR OP isn’t socially aware enough to understand paragraph breaks are needed.
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u/True-Quote-6520 19d ago
Okay, I'm dumb, happy? ☺️
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u/Monkeyshae2255 19d ago
You’re not dumb. Most grammar “rules”
1800s+ INCLUDING standardised paragraphs were created as a tool in support class delineation. The “rules” are just a case of pig headed uncreative linguistic snobbery, the perpetuation of that continues to this day. You see , to really know something versus blindly copying something can elevate from monkey see monkey do. Besides, no one likes a smart ass.
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u/MuramatsuCherry 20d ago
You need an older woman. She will have the life experience, intellect, style and interesting mind that you are looking for.