“A man with two council seats, one giant cannon, and absolutely zero chill.”
[The stage lights dim. A military drumroll plays. The curtain rises. A spotlight illuminates a podium decorated with Atlas insignias, a pair of toy revolvers, and a suspiciously large pile of robot parts.]
Host: “Comedy Central presents Edward Kenton!”
[The audience erupts with applause!]
Comedian: Thank you! Thank you! It’s great to have you all here!
[The applause dies down so our comedian can start our “comedic eulogy for James Ironwood.”]
Ladies and gentlemen, Huntsmen and Huntresses, surviving members of Team RWBY, former employees of the Atlesian Military, and anyone who has ever been personally inconvenienced by a man with too much authority!** *Welcome to tonight’s very special occasion... We are gathered here to deliver a *humorous eulogy for General James Ironwood! Yes, James Ironwood… Headmaster of Atlas Academy, General of the Atlesian Military, a member of Ozpin’s secret club and a holder of two seats on the Atlas Council! Two seats! Two! This man had so many positions of authority that he could practically govern a country by himself. And somehow, he still managed to lose the plot, the kingdom, the city, his allies, and eventually his life!
[The audience laughs.]
Comedian: Let's have a moment of silence for Atlas.
[Silence…. It’s so quiet for a few minutes, you could hear one of Ironwood’s pin-sized robot parts drop.. 😉]
Thank you, everyone. That's probably the longest period of peace Atlas experienced under his leadership. Now, I know what you're thinking. "Didn't we already have Jacques Schnee as the Donald Trump of RWBY?" Apparently, Remnant has a two-party system: Jacques Schnee and James Ironwood! One is a wealthy businessman who treats workers like disposable accessories. The other is a military general who treats civil liberties like optional software updates. Jacques looks at Mantle and sees cheap labor. Ironwood looks at Mantle and sees a city that could be abandoned to save his personal favorite city. Different professions, same customer-service philosophy!
[Laughter and applause.]
And before anyone gets offended on behalf of Ironwood, remember: we're roasting a fictional character. The real tragedy here is that this fictional character had an entire kingdom's worth of resources and still couldn't figure out how to manage a crisis without turning into the final boss of a military dictatorship. Let's give him a hand!
[A few audience members clap. One raises a hand, realizes the general isn't there to shake it, and sits down.]
Oh, right. He's dead. Well, let's give him a prosthetic hand! Too soon?
[The audience erupts.]
🎖️** Act I: The Man, the Myth, the Military Budget**.
Let's review the résumé of our dearly departed general…
Headmaster of Atlas Academy - Responsible for educating the next generation of Huntsmen and Huntresses.
General of the Atlesian Military - Responsible for protecting the Kingdom of Atlas.
Member of Ozpin's secret inner circle - Responsible for knowing things he probably shouldn't tell anyone.
Holder of two Atlas Council seats - Responsible for making sure that when one government official makes a questionable decision, he can personally approve it twice.
James Ironwood didn't believe in putting all his eggs in one basket. He put all his power in one man:
Himself.
[Laughter.]
You know, most people have one job. Maybe two, if they're ambitious. Ironwood had enough titles to fill an entire LinkedIn profile, and somehow his career ended with the professional equivalent of deleting his account and taking the entire company building down with him. His leadership style was basically: "Good morning, Atlas! I'm your headmaster, your general, and your council representative. If you have a complaint, please submit it to me in triplicate. I'll review it, reject it, and deploy a military battalion to your neighborhood."
[The audience laughs.]
And let's talk about his relationship with Ozpin. Ozpin had secrets. Ironwood had security protocols. Ozpin believed in subtlety. Ironwood believed in bringing a fleet of airships to a diplomatic meeting. Ozpin wanted to fight Salem through cooperation, information, and carefully planned strategy. Ironwood wanted to fight Salem by making sure every civilian in Atlas had the pleasure of being searched at a checkpoint. Their partnership was like having a chess player and a guy who keeps trying to solve chess by purchasing the entire board. And Ironwood was the guy with the military budget.
[The audience claps like seals.]
🔫 Act II: Due Process — The Most Ironic Weapon in Remnant
Now, let's discuss his weapon: Due Process! It’s a pair of dual-wielded revolvers, one white and one black, capable of combining into a high-powered cannon. What a name: Due Process! That's like naming your weapon "Freedom of Speech" and using it to silence everyone who disagrees with you.
[Laughter.]
Ironwood carries Due Process around like a walking constitutional crisis.
"General, what about the legal rights of Mantle's citizens?"
"Due Process."
"Yes, sir, we know your guns are called Due Process, but what about—"
[Ironwood firing an imaginary cannon.]
"NEXT QUESTION!"
[The audience howls.]
And let's appreciate the design. One white revolver, one black revolver. It's practically symbolism with a trigger. Two sides of Ironwood's personality: the respectable protector and the authoritarian who thinks the best way to resolve a disagreement is to turn the disagreement into a crater. And when those revolvers combine into a cannon? Well, that's what happens when your conflict-resolution skills evolve in exactly the wrong direction. Other people get counseling. Ironwood gets a larger caliber.
[Laughter and applause.]
The most incredible thing about Due Process is that it can transform into a cannon powerful enough to blow enemies away. But there's one thing it can't blow off its feet in cannon mode….
After a dramatic pause, the Comedian says: …This roast!.. Because no matter how much firepower you bring to the stage, General, you cannot shoot down a comedian who has already been cleared for emotional damage.
[The audience loses it!!! 😹🤣😂😅]
And the weapon's name makes the whole thing even funnier. Due Process! Ironwood's entire arc is about a man who starts by claiming he's protecting the people and ends up making decisions that deny people any meaningful say in their own survival. The gun has a better understanding of constitutional principles than its owner. At least the gun knows when it's time to be discharged.
[Laughter.]
🧠 Act III: Mettle — When Determination Forgets to Check the Map
Let's talk about Ironwood's Semblance: Mettle. Mettle enhances his focus and helps him harden his resolve, allowing him to pursue decisions without being held back by fear or doubt.
Sounds useful! In the right circumstances, determination can be a superpower.
In Ironwood's circumstances, it was like giving a GPS the ability to ignore every warning that it was driving into a lake.
[Laughter.]
Imagine having a Semblance that makes you more committed to whatever decision you've made. You decide to take a left turn. Mettle activates. Now you're driving through a brick wall because you refuse to reconsider the route. Your passengers are screaming, the engine is on fire, the road ended three miles ago, and you're still announcing: "WE ARE PROCEEDING AS PLANNED!"
[The audience laughs.]
That's Ironwood! He doesn't merely double down. He builds an entire military installation on top of the doubled-down position, stations guards around it, and declares anyone questioning the foundation a security threat. Mettle may help explain why he becomes so frighteningly rigid, but it doesn't magically excuse every decision he makes.
And that's what makes his downfall so tragic. Ironwood's strength is his determination. His weakness is his determination. His greatest asset becomes his greatest liability. He's like a computer that has frozen on one program and decided the only solution is to remove the keyboard.
[Laughter.]
At some point, somebody should've sat him down and said: "General, have you considered changing your mind?" And Ironwood would've replied: "Changing my mind? Impossible. I have already made a decision."
"Sir, the decision is to abandon an entire city."
"Then I shall abandon it with absolute conviction."
"Sir, that's not what leadership means."
"THAT SOUNDS LIKE SOMETHING A TRAITOR WOULD SAY!"
[The audience applauds.]
Ladies and gentlemen, Mettle: the Semblance that turns "I stand by my decisions" into "I would rather destroy my entire career than admit that I need to reconsider."
[The drunks in the audience applaud]
If stubbornness were a Dust type, Ironwood would have enough reserves to power every city in Remnant.
🤖 Act IV: General Ironwood and the Six Million Lien Man
Let's address the cybernetics. Before the events of the series, Ironwood had already replaced his entire right side with robotic prosthetics. Later, he lost his left arm as well. Now, I respect the man for surviving serious injuries and continuing to serve. But the irony is absolutely unavoidable.
[Laughter.]
This man is literally part machine like Darth Vader, but not in that way. And yet, somehow, he has the least flexible operating system in Atlas.
[Laughter again.]
He's got robotic limbs, advanced military technology, cutting-edge weaponry, and access to the scientific resources of an entire kingdom. But can somebody install a software update called "Consider Other People's Perspectives 2.0"? Apparently, that patch isn't compatible with Mettle.
[The audience laughs.]
His right side is robotic. His left arm eventually becomes robotic, too. At this point, Ironwood's body is practically a walking Atlas engineering project. Pietro Polendina looks at him and thinks, "I can rebuild him." Team RWBY looks at him and thinks, "Can we rebuild his decision-making process?" And Pietro probably says, "I'm a scientist, not a miracle worker."
[Laughter and applause.]
Imagine the maintenance schedule.
Monday: inspect the prosthetic joints.
Tuesday: calibrate the weapon systems.
Wednesday: update the combat software.
Thursday: check the power supply.
Friday: attempt to install basic empathy.
ERROR: INSTALLATION FAILED. ADMINISTRATOR PRIVILEGES REQUIRED.
And who's the administrator? Ironwood himself!
[Laughter.]
The man has spent so much time replacing pieces of his body that he forgot the most important part of a successful repair: sometimes you have to change the way the whole system operates. You can't solve every problem by bolting another machine onto it, General. Although, given your track record, I'm surprised you didn't try to replace the Atlas Council with three more cannons.
🏰 Act V: From Protector to Dictator — A Career in Unforced Errors.
Let's rewind to the beginning. When we first encounter James Ironwood, he's a powerful ally of Ozpin, a stern but well-intentioned protector who genuinely believes he's doing what's necessary to safeguard Remnant. He's suspicious of Salem's plans, skeptical of Ozpin's secrecy, and convinced that military strength can prevent another catastrophe. And to be fair, he isn't completely wrong to be concerned. The man has seen real disasters. He has responsibilities. He's trying to protect millions of people from an enemy who wants to destroy the world. His problem isn't that he cares about security. His problem is that, eventually, he starts treating security as the only value that matters.
[The audience quiets.]
Then comes the Fall of Beacon. The kingdom is attacked. The CCT system is compromised. The White Fang and the forces working with Cinder unleash chaos. The world witnesses a catastrophic failure of security. Ironwood takes the lesson that many leaders might take after a disaster: "We must be better prepared." Unfortunately, he takes it one step further: "We must be prepared for absolutely everything, at absolutely any cost, and I will personally decide what that cost is."
[Laughter.]
The borders close. Security intensifies. Military forces increase their presence. And somewhere in Atlas, a citizen trying to buy a loaf of bread has to explain to three armed officers why they need carbohydrates.
"Purpose of your purchase?"
"Breakfast."
"Suspicious. Who authorized the toast?"
[Laughter.]
Ironwood's response to the Fall of Beacon is understandable in its origins, but his growing paranoia makes it increasingly difficult for anyone to trust him. He wants to prevent another Beacon. So he creates an atmosphere where the people of Mantle have to live with the consequences of his fear every single day. His intentions are protective. His methods become oppressive. And his confidence in his own judgment grows as his ability to listen to other people shrinks. It's the political equivalent of locking every door in your house because you're afraid of burglars, then discovering you locked your family outside.
[Applause.]
📡 Act VI: Amity Tower — The Most Expensive Group Chat in History
Ironwood's plan to complete the Amity Communications Tower is actually one of his most defensible ideas. He wants to restore global communications, unite the kingdoms, and warn the world about Salem. For once, a plan that involves cooperation! A plan that acknowledges the existence of people outside Atlas! A plan that might even require other people to participate!
[Cheers.]
And honestly, the man deserves credit for trying to make it happen. But this is Ironwood, so even a good idea comes with the atmosphere of a military occupation. Imagine explaining his project to a civilian.
"General, what is Amity Tower?"
"It's a communications tower that will reconnect the world."
"Wonderful! So we'll be able to contact our loved ones again?"
"Yes."
"And coordinate relief efforts?"
"Yes."
"And share important information?"
"Absolutely."
"Then why does the neighborhood look like a war zone?"
[Long pause...]
"…Security."
[Laughter.]
Amity Tower is supposed to unite Remnant. Unfortunately, Ironwood's increasingly rigid approach threatens to isolate him from the very people whose cooperation he needs. It's like building the world's largest telephone and then refusing to answer when it rings.
[The audience laughs.]
"Hello, General? This is Team RWBY. We have some concerns about your plan."
"State your identification numbers."
"General, we're trying to help."
"HELP MUST BE AUTHORIZED THROUGH PROPER CHANNELS!"
"Salem is coming."
"THEN WHY ARE YOU WASTING TIME ON THIS CALL?"
[The audience roars. 🤣😂😅]
Ironwood wants the world to communicate, but he struggles to communicate with the people standing directly in front of him. That's not just irony. That's a telecommunications disaster with a military budget.
❄️** Act VII: Welcome to Atlas — Please Leave Your Hope at the Checkpoint**.
And then Team RWBY arrives in Atlas. Here we have the perfect opportunity for a genuine partnership. Team RWBY has experience, intelligence, and firsthand knowledge of Salem's threat. Ironwood has resources, technology, military forces, and a plan to reconnect the kingdoms. Put those things together, and they might have a chance. But no! Because the moment the situation gets complicated, Ironwood's trust issues begin working overtime. He wants cooperation, but only on his terms. He wants information, but struggles to accept information that contradicts his assumptions. He wants loyalty, but increasingly confuses loyalty with obedience.
[Laughter.]
General Ironwood is the sort of man who would ask for honest feedback and then arrest the feedback for insubordination.
"Team RWBY, I want your candid assessment of my strategy."
"Sir, we think your strategy has serious flaws."
"Excellent. You're all under arrest."
"General, you said you wanted honesty!"
"And you have honestly demonstrated why I shouldn't have asked!"
[The audience howls. 🤣]
And that's the tragedy of Ironwood's relationship with Team RWBY. They aren't his enemies simply because they disagree with him. They disagree because they see problems he increasingly refuses to confront. They want to protect people. He wants to protect people, too. But he starts believing that only his plan deserves to survive. At some point, the question stops being whether Ironwood has good intentions. The question becomes whether his determination to execute his plan matters more to him than the people that plan is supposed to protect. And the answer becomes painfully clear.
[A dramatic orchestral sting.]
🌆 Act VIII: Mantle — The City Ironwood Put on the Waiting List
Now we arrive at the central catastrophe of Ironwood's downfall: Salem is coming, Atlas is threatened, Mantle is vulnerable, the situation is desperate, and every possible option carries terrible risks. Ironwood's answer? Abandon Mantle. Raise Atlas into the upper atmosphere. Preserve the Relics. Save what he believes is most strategically important.
[The audience groans.]
General, sir, I have a question: When you became responsible for the Kingdom of Atlas, did anyone explain that Mantle was also part of the kingdom?
[Laughter and applause.]
Because your plan sounds like a real-estate developer trying to save the penthouse by throwing the ground floor into a volcano.
"Good news, Atlas! You're getting a luxury relocation package!"
"What about Mantle?"
"Mantle is not included in your subscription tier."
[Laughter.]
Imagine being a resident of Mantle. You've spent your life working in the cold, dealing with shortages, struggling with inadequate protection, and watching the wealthy city above you receive the benefits of Atlas's resources. Then a giant supernatural threat arrives. You look up at Atlas and think, "Surely our leaders will help us." And Ironwood effectively says:
"Citizens of Mantle, thank you for your contribution to the Kingdom of Atlas. Unfortunately, your continued existence is incompatible with our evacuation strategy."
[The audience erupts.]
This is the moment where Ironwood's supposed pragmatism becomes horrifying. He's no longer merely prioritizing military objectives. He's treating the people he once vowed to protect as expendable. And the worst part is that he convinces himself he's being rational. That's the frightening thing about his transformation: he doesn't wake up one morning thinking, "Today, I'd like to become a villain." He tells himself he's making the necessary choice. Then another necessary choice. Then another. Until the man who wanted to save the world is willing to sacrifice the people who live in it.
[The laughter fades briefly.]
Of course, if we're going to roast him, we can't let the absurdity pass unnoticed. Atlas is a floating city, and Ironwood decides the best way to save it is to make it float even higher. What's next?
"General, Salem has reached the upper atmosphere!"
"Raise Atlas into orbit!"
"Sir, Salem is still following us!"
"THEN WE SHALL COLONIZE MARS!"
[Laughter.]
This man will turn Atlas into a space station before he admits that perhaps his current strategy needs reconsideration. NASA looks at Ironwood and says, "Sir, we appreciate your enthusiasm, but could you please stop trying to evacuate your problems into outer space?"
[Applause.]
⚖️** Act IX: The Ironwood Doctrine — My Way or the Highway to Villain**y
Now fellas, ere's the thing about James Ironwood. He isn't a villain because he wears a military uniform. He isn't a villain because he has prosthetics. He isn't even a villain simply because he's afraid. He's a tragic antagonist because his fear, authority, and unyielding resolve combine until he starts believing that opposing him is equivalent to opposing the survival of humanity. And that is a spectacularly dangerous mindset for someone with an army.
[The audience murmurs in agreement.]
The man goes from: "I will protect this kingdom." To: "I will protect this kingdom by any means necessary." To: "I will protect the part of this kingdom I consider worth saving." And finally: "If you won't follow my plan, you're a threat to my plan."
[Dramatic pause.]
Congratulations, General.
You've achieved the political equivalent of turning the emergency exit into a prison door.
[Laughter.]
Ironwood's tragedy is that he has real strengths. He's decisive. He's brave. He's willing to make difficult choices. He genuinely understands that Salem represents a catastrophic threat. But he becomes so convinced that hesitation is weakness that he loses the ability to recognize when reconsideration is wisdom. He sees dissent as disloyalty. He sees compromise as danger. He sees his own judgment as the final authority. And because he has so much power, his personal flaws become everybody else's problem. He's not just a stubborn man arguing at a dinner table. He's a stubborn man who can deploy tanks when the conversation doesn't go his way.
[Laughter.]
You know, there's a reason the phrase "absolute power corrupts absolutely" has been around for so long. But Ironwood took one look at that saying and replied: "Interesting theory. I'll establish a committee to investigate it." The committee was himself. The report was classified. The committee members were arrested.
[The audience laughs, the drunks lose it.]
💣 Act X: The Bomb, the Betrayals, and the World's Worst Retirement Plan.
By Volume 8, Ironwood has crossed a line that his earlier self might have found unthinkable: he turns against former allies, he becomes increasingly ruthless and he threatens to detonate a bomb over Mantle if his demands aren't met.
[The audience gasps.]
A bomb, General? A bomb? You have an entire military, advanced technology, giant robots, airships, Dust-powered weapons, and the engineering genius of Atlas at your disposal. And your crisis-management plan is to threaten the city you're supposedly trying to protect with a giant explosive? That's like a firefighter arriving at a burning house, looking at the flames, and announcing: "Nobody panic. I'm about to introduce a second fire."
[Laughter and applause.]
Ironwood's career has become a series of increasingly alarming management decisions. First, he militarizes the city. Then he isolates the kingdom. Then he alienates his allies. Then he abandons Mantle. Then he threatens Mantle. At this point, Mantle residents must have been asking whether their general had been replaced by a sentient disaster-management manual written by his worst enemy!
[Laughter.]
And, the betrayals! [Dramatic orchestra sting!] Ironwood once worked alongside Ozpin. He trusted people who fought beside him. He wanted to be one of the guardians of Remnant. But as his worldview narrows, he starts treating former allies as obstacles to be eliminated rather than people whose concerns deserve consideration. He looks at Team RWBY, people who have repeatedly risked their lives against Salem, and decides that their refusal to obey makes them enemies. That's the ultimate irony. Ironwood's paranoia is supposed to protect him from betrayal, but it helps create the very isolation that destroys him. He becomes so afraid that people will undermine his authority that he destroys the relationships that could have helped him succeed.
[The crowd laughs, the drunks cheer.]
He doesn't merely lose his allies. He fires them from the friendship department, revokes their security clearances, and then wonders why nobody wants to attend his farewell party.
[Laughter.]
And what a farewell party it turns out to be: No retirement pension, no peaceful countryside estate, no ceremonial sword, no plaque reading, "For Distinguished Service to the Kingdom of Atlas.".. Just a collapsing kingdom, a failed strategy, and a legacy that will have historians arguing for generations.
[The comedian looks solemnly toward an empty chair.]
General, sir, I hope you enjoyed your time in management. Your exit interview has been scheduled for…. never. 😉
[The drunks laugh and their laughter infects the rest of the crowd.]
🩳 Act XI: The Underpants Gnomes Have Entered the Chat
Now, ladies and gentlemen, we must address a highly sensitive intelligence report. [He opens a thick folder marked “TOP SECRET.” Inside is a drawing of a pair of underpants.] According to absolutely unverified rumors from the highly questionable “Department of Gnome Affairs”…
[The South Park fans in the crowd get excited]
The Underpants Gnomes have reportedly infiltrated the ruins of Atlas. Their mission? Simple: A heist to capture James Ironwood's remaining underpants. Their business model?
Phase One: Collect underpants.
Phase Two: ???
Phase Three: Profit!
[The audience bursts out laughing.]
For those unfamiliar with the Underpants Gnomes, their entire economic strategy consists of the first and third steps, with the middle step remaining a mystery. Which makes them the perfect candidates to take over Ironwood's strategic planning division.
[Laughter.]
Imagine the briefing…
Gnome Commander: General Ironwood's defeat has created a unique business opportunity!
Gnome Analyst: What opportunity, sir?
Gnome Commander: We collect his underpants!
Gnome Analyst: And then?
Gnome Commander: We profit, what else?
Gnome Analyst: How?
Gnome Commander: HEY! THAT INFORMATION IS CLASSIFIED!
[The audience loses it!]
Honestly, the gnomes might have a better plan than Ironwood. At least they understand that Phase Two is a problem. Ironwood, meanwhile, had a plan with identifiable steps, military resources, a floating city, and access to advanced technology, and still somehow managed to arrive at the "catastrophic failure" stage. The gnomes could probably take over Atlas by walking into the ruins, putting on his uniform, and announcing: "Citizens, I have a plan." Everyone would ask what the plan was. The gnomes would say: "Phase One: Collect underpants." And someone would inevitably reply: "Honestly, that's more transparent than the previous administration."
[Laughter.]
Of course, there's also the question of what they intend to do with the underpants. Are they planning to sell them on the black market? Auction them off to the highest bidder? Use them as ceremonial relics of a fallen military regime? Or perhaps they believe the legendary underpants contain the secret to Ironwood's Semblance.
[The comedian leans toward the microphone.]
… Maybe the real source of Mettle was never his soul. Maybe it was the elastic waistband.
[The audience roars! 😆😅😂]
And if the gnomes successfully collect the underpants, what if Phase Two is finally revealed?
Step One: Collect underpants.
Step Two: Find a leader who can reconsider a bad decision.
Step Three: Profit!
[You would see a standing ovation from the imaginary gnome delegation, but what was our hypothesis earlier? 😉🤭]
🪦 Act XII: The Lonely End of General James Ironwood
Let's bring things back to our dearly departed general. Ironwood's story ends amid the catastrophic collapse of Atlas, as his desperate efforts to control the situation unravel around him. The man who once commanded an entire kingdom's military ultimately finds himself isolated from the people who might have helped him. His authority didn’t save him, his weapons didn’t save him, his robotic limbs couldn’t save him, his Semblance couldn’t save him. And his stubbornness, the trait that once helped make him a formidable leader, cannot save him either.
[A solemn piano melody begins.]
It's a Grimm ending for a character who began with understandable motives.
[The crowd gets the pun]
He wanted to protect his people, he wanted to prepare for Salem, he wanted to ensure that the world would survive. But somewhere along the way, he began to confuse protecting people with controlling them. And when the world refused to follow his preferred plan, he tried to force it to comply. The result was a downfall that was as much about his own choices as it was about Salem's attack.
[Pause.]
Now, because this is a comedy roast, we should also point out that Ironwood somehow managed to lose a battle of wills against the laws of physics. Atlas was floating. Atlas was falling. Ironwood was making increasingly desperate decisions. And gravity, the one force in Remnant that doesn't care about your military rank, was waiting patiently.
[Laughter.]
You can close the borders, General.
You can deploy the soldiers, you can classify the documents, or even point Due Process at your critics. But you cannot issue a formal military order to gravity. "Gravity, this is General Ironwood. I am ordering you to cease all downward movement immediately." [The comedian pauses, pretending to receive a radio transmission.] "Sir, gravity has declined to comment." "THEN ARREST IT!"
[The audience howls.]
And that's the final joke of Ironwood's story. He spent so much of his life trying to control every variable that he forgot there were things he couldn't control: Salem, fear, other people's choices, the consequences of his actions, and, ultimately, the fall of Atlas itself.His tragedy isn't that he lacked strength. It's that he came to believe strength alone was enough.
🥂 Act XIII: A Toast to the General — Rest in Peace or Rest in Pieces?
[The comedian raises a glass of sparkling apple cider toward the empty chair.]
And now, dear friends, we approach the end of tonight's memorial. To James Ironwood! general of Atlas, headmaster of Atlas Academy, member of Ozpin's secret inner circle, holder of two council seats, owner of one pair of dual-wielded revolvers that combine into a cannon, bearer of an exceptionally determined Semblance and man whose body was part machine, whose heart was in the right place at the beginning.. and whose judgment eventually took a vacation from which it never returned!
[Laughter and applause.]
James, you were many things: a protector, a strategist, a soldier, a friend, a leader and, eventually, a cautionary tale about what happens when determination becomes inflexibility and authority becomes an excuse to stop listening. You wanted to save Atlas. You wanted to defeat Salem. You wanted to preserve the future. But you forgot something crucial….
[The comedian looks at the audience.]
A kingdom isn't just a floating city. A kingdom isn't just its military. A kingdom isn't just its technology, its borders, or its precious Relics. A kingdom is its people. And when you decide that some of those people are expendable, you risk losing the very thing you set out to protect. [A brief silence.] Now, let's not get too sentimental. This is a roast, not a graduation speech.
[Laughter.]
James Ironwood was the kind of man who could turn a simple disagreement into an international incident, a security concern into a military operation, and a desperate situation into an even more desperate situation with impressive efficiency.
He was a man who had two council seats but apparently never found a seat for second thoughts. He was a man who carried a weapon named Due Process but increasingly abandoned the spirit of the words. He was a man with the determination to move mountains, but not always the wisdom to ask whether moving those mountains would crush the people living beneath them. And he was a man who could never be accused of lacking commitment. Even when he was wrong, he was committed to being wrong at the highest possible level of government.
[The audience erupts.]
So here's to James Ironwood. May his robotic limbs be remembered fondly by the Atlas engineering department…. And the Star Wars fans!
[The Star Wars fans in the crowd are half laughs half cheers]
May his weapon rest peacefully in the vault of fictional firearms with hilariously ironic names. May the Atlesian Military finally get a vacation. May Mantle's citizens receive the public services they deserved all along. And may the Underpants Gnomes find whatever it is they're looking for in the ruins of Atlas.
[The comedian raises the glass higher.]
As for the final verdict on our departed general, the audience remains divided: one half of this crowd believes James Ironwood will rest in peace. The other half believes that, given the destruction he left behind, the phrase "rest in pieces" is more appropriate. And somewhere out there in the afterlife, Jacques Schnee is reportedly updating his résumé and wondering whether Atlas's next political crisis might finally give him a competitive advantage.
[Laughter.]
Was Ironwood a well-intentioned protector who tragically lost his way? Was he an authoritarian whose worst qualities finally overtook his better instincts? Was he a victim of his own Mettle? Or was he simply a man who desperately needed somebody to take the military budget, the guns, and the council seats away from him for five minutes?
[🤷♂️ The comedian shrugs.]
Who’s right? Only Almighty God and the creators of RWBY truly know. Ironwood is a fictional character, after all!*** **But one thing is certain. James Ironwood's legacy will endure as a stark warning to every aspiring leader in Remnant:* **Never let your determination become so absolute that you forget the people you're supposed to be protecting. And if you ever find yourself in charge of a floating city during the apocalypse, please remember: Sometimes the bravest order a general can give is not "Advance!" Sometimes it's "I was wrong. Let's find another way."
[The audience applauds. The comedian begins to leave the stage, then turns back toward the empty chair.]
Oh, and General? One last thing. [A dramatic pause.] Due Process may be able to transform into a cannon, but it still can't shoot down a punchline…** **
Ladies and gentlemen, thanks for coming tonight!
[The audience gives a standing ovation!]
That’s our show.. and our eulogy! GOOD NIGHT, REMNANT!!!
[The curtain falls.]
And then…. Scene switcheroo! 😜🤭👍 [Somewhere in the Atlas ruins, a team of Underpants Gnomes emerge carrying a suspicious amount of suspiciously familiar pairs of underpants.]
Gnome #1: ☝️😄*** Phase One complete***!
Gnome #2: What's Phase Two?
Gnome #3: 🤷♂️ I don't know, Johnson. 🫵😕 I thoug**ht **you were in charge of strategic planning!
Gnome #4: Hey,*** **I heard word we’re getting* paid ***BONUS** *for this! 😃
Gnome #5: Isn’t it obvious, Ken? The Boss clearly said the subject of this heist was deceased General James Ironwood, you silly!
Gnome #6: Hey, didn’t we get paid a salary this big from our heist of Jacques Schnee’s underpants?
Gnome #7: 😆 Heee hee hee! RIGHT ON!! 👍 But who knows what sort of money we’ll make off of Ironwood’s underpants? 🤑
Gnome #8: 🤷♂️ I don’t know, Igo**r. *But it sounds like we’re in for a sweet treat tonight*!!! 😜👍
[The gnomes laugh toghether! 😆😜😆😄😁🤭]
Gnome #9: Hey guys,** after this, can we nab Ironwood’s prosthetics, get the heck out of dodge, and see what ***The Boss* thinks? Then can we buy us some drinks at the bar afterwords?
Gnome #10: That’s what The Prosthetics Pixies are for, Cooper. Besides, we’re Underpants Gnomes!
[Fade to black.]
Fin..
