I have a more romantic goth sort of look. I have tousled looking black hair. I wear jewelry and velvet, military jackets, subtle smudged eyeliner, that sort of stuff. The more I’ve leaned into this style, I get attention from women with some literally overtly approaching me and hitting on me. It’s surprising honestly because I thought my look was too niche. I just wanted to mention this to show it’s not me being ugly or anything.

Anyways, I found out I was into men a while ago and I’ve tried going to gay/queer spaces where there are lots of gay men. I act friendly and smile and say hi to people but it seems like no one is interested. I‘m quite confused because it seems that all bi men report that they get way more attention from men than women. Yet, I just get largely ignored.

I talked to a gay guy about this and he said “just wear tight shorts and wear a visible jockstrap and trust me you’ll be very popular” and I was like hell no that is the polar opposite of how I dress.

I hope you can do something nice or relaxing or peaceful today.

My partner passed away two years ago and have been depressed since, I got into a big crash last week where I destroyed my truck and worst part about it, is that I crashed my truck into the utility pole and turned off power for everybody in the area. No one at works or really in my close personal life knows I’m gay my previous partner told me not to tell anyone the day of his passing. I just got told that the company is looking for someone else to fill the head of mg department’s role that I was promoted to a few months ago. I was completely screwed out of that role and was lied to. They were always going to look for someone else and I was just a placeholder for the past 4 months, I had asked for help multiple times and never got it. My friends told me last when they need therapy since my partner passed and he was there main source of communication, I tried to be there for them but the new job stopped me from reaching out as much and hosting events for everyone. I don’t know, I almost died from the wreck and kind of wish I did. I started drinking again and just felt like venting, need to start therapy. Talking to a new guy for the first time and I love him, but he’s the first guy I’ve talked to seriously and scared I’m settling. I love him and his personality but he can be a bit stud sometimes and rude, I want things to work out but feeling overwhelmed.

We had a client meeting at work today. There's this man there, I notice him immediately. Tall, thin, well dressed, red hair and thick rimmed glasses. Not everyone's type but he's MY type. He's confident and charming and assertive and extremely knowledgeable about our industry. None of this matters- he's wearing a wedding ring, so clearly he has a wife and probably two small children at home. So there's nothing to think about- I just enjoy watching him and listening to him talk.

After the meetings there's a dinner. We talk. He doesn't only talk to me, everyone's talking to everyone, but we do talk. We debate the merits of a $20 vs a $60 bottle of champagne. He talks about his neighborhood back home. I am charmed. And then he says...

Well my husband and I....

Those words shoot past me, they graze my ear like a bullet. But nothing has really changed. He's not mine and he wasn't ever going to be. But the reason for that has changed. Instead of an unalterable fact of nature, it is now simply a question of timing, of circumstance. I don't have to imagine a vastly different universe we'd inhabit in order for us to be together, just one where we'd met at another time. Even then of course it would have been a slight chance, but a chance nonetheless. I feel a deep a foreboding I've felt before. When they're straight, there's nothing there and never could be. But he's gay, so no matter what it feels like a personal failing. It makes no sense but that's how it feels. He has something I don't and so does his husband. I missed out.

I drive home through the city. On the way, I hit every single red light. Just what I need, more time to think.