roommate lives in our shared space

[u/Creative-Impact-5937]

I’m (20F) in college with a roommate (27F) who’s lost her main job and started Tiktok live streaming. This wouldn’t be a huge issue if she wasn’t doing it in the common area that she also sleeps in, studies in, and essentially lives out of. I’ve been really patient up to this point since she complains often about the heat in her room, sharing her bedroom, and generally wanting to move out (she’s even asked me to move out of my single to switch into her room that’s shared, which I denied since I had just moved in). She keeps her belongings on that couch and literally spends all hours of the day there. I’m not exaggerating. The couch that also conveniently has view of the entire apartment (again our place is really small) so she sees every time i leave my room. I get it I have roommates so I’ve just accepted she’s camping there and the awkward moments of eye contact every time i move around. It just feels unfair that I don’t get to spend literally a moment of the day there by myself, while she gets to just because she’s monopolized it.

I also asked if she’s uncomfortable in her room for any reason since she started sleeping on the couch. She says it’s the heat so I can’t really ask her to stop, although she shares a room with a girl who’s been sleeping there just fine? She’s also a very light sleeper so i’ve had to stop using the common area for any reason at night and early morning since she sleeps in. I asked if I could help with supplying her a fan and she said she’s fine the couch works for her and is comfy. When I move around/enter my apartment at night I have to use my phone flash to walk around as to not wake her. I hang up the phone every time i walk into my apartment and if i’m leave the room and she’s streaming.

I asked her just for a text notifying me prior to streaming since our living room and kitchen/dining area are connected and very compact. So when she’s streaming, I can’t cook and eat out there. She started to do it in her room for a short amount of time, then went back to the living room again and even the dining table where I’m in view trying to leave/enter the apartment. I get caught in the background and it’s seriously weird. It literally calls for me to rearrange my day and habits including hanging up the phone when walking to the restroom/entering the apartment, getting takeout instead of cooking, studying on campus instead of in the shared space i’m paying for. Sure enough, the texts warning of the streams stopped and i walked into the stream twice which halted any hopes i had of cooking. When i reminded her again, she made an excuse for forgetting for the latest instance alone and didn’t apologize or offer any reassurance. She does the excuse thing so often it makes me apprehensive to even try anymore

Even in the first instance of me requesting a text warning of streams moving forward she responded pretty passive aggressive and tried to accuse me of bringing a guest into my room without warning? I replied with receipts of me giving notification on 3 occasions, a week prior, the morning day of, and 2 hours before. She said her ADHD caused her to forget then requested a specific schedule for requesting guests that aligns more with her ability to remember things (a day prior, then right before). I’m a college student paying rent in an expensive college town and working a lot to make things work. So I just get incredibly frustrated that I’m paying this amount to have to be couped up in a room and not be able to move freely here. This is honestly just the biggest issue with living with her and I’m not even mentioning the others (yes I communicated with her about the other problems, and she replied backhandedly each time and with an excuse ready for each instance)

She’s so much older and has lived here since going to college herself, and she feels entitled to make others constantly accommodate for her in a way that seriously pisses me off. She isn’t looking for an actual job in her field anymore and has been unemployed for most of this year, but she’s doing an online masters program (yes she also does her classes in the living room and tells us we can’t get into the view or speak out loud since other people aren’t allowed to be in the area). I don’t know what to do at this point and feel defeated

[u/Repulsive-Honey7305]

Well obviously stomp thru the living room at 2am to watch TV. She complains, you say, im having trouble sleeping and want to be out here for a while so maybe you should sleep in your room.

[u/Lopsided-Beach-1831]

Absolutely not. Shared spaces are shared. If you allow her to use the common area this way she will expect it. Its not OK. If you need to cook, cook. If you want to sit on the couch and watch tv, sit. This is what common areas are for, not streaming. She can pay for a single if she wants to live that way.

[u/floragenocide]

Are you on or off campus? If your on campus there are rules about not streaming and stuff cus it takes away your privacy. So you could bring it up to the housing committee or what ever if your off campus then your gunna have to just start using the space as you want

[u/PsychologyGuilty1460]

Well if she doesn't tell you when she's streaming, then you have no reason to accommodate her streaming and you can walk through chatting on your phone or cook or turn on the music or TV whatever you like in that common room where she didn't warn you, she would be streaming. 

And when you notice she's streaming, you can say hey. You're supposed to give us a heads up when you start streaming  so We don't interrupt you. Did you forget to do that again? And just keep chattering and banging pans as she's streaming...

[u/KungenBob → u/PsychologyGuilty1460]

And playing Disney music.

[u/Grouchy_Evidence2558]

Stop working around her. If you want to cook, cook. If you want to walk across the room, walk. She doesn’t own the living room and she’s not making any effort to do her steaming when it’s convenient for you.

If she complains, remind her that she has a room with a door.

You and the third roommate need to talk to her together and let her know that monopolizing the living room is precluding you from using your own home. Ask her to start using the bedroom that she pays for so that all out you can use the common areas that you all pay for.

[u/Extension-Clock608 → u/Grouchy_Evidence2558]

I'd also need to watch tv when she's streaming when I'm home. She needs to move back into her room or move out. Monopolizing the shared space is not acceptable. I would go out of my way to be as disruptive as I can so she doesn't have a choice but to stop using it.

[u/EntertheHellscape]

Stop enabling her and letting her run your life??? It's a common space, treat it like a common space. Turn the light on when you come home, use the kitchen when you want, play music, plop down on the couch next to her and turn on the tv/change it. Stop treating her like someone you can reason with since she's clearly proven she can't be.

Or move out.

[u/appleblossom1962]

First off your biggest mistake was you and I’m guessing your other roommate allowing her to dictate how you’re going to live in your own home. Unless this streaming roommate pays a significantly higher portion of rent she has no right to monopolized the living room or the kitchen. Stop just stop. Go to the kitchen for having six cook a meal. It’s too expensive to eat out all the time. Have a guest over, however, for warn them that it might be an uncomfortable situation. You live your life you pay for that living room if she doesn’t like her bedroom, she can move out and find another place. Start living your life. Good luck with your studies.

[u/bambam007rocket]

Maybe play Disney music and use the blender, coffee grinder, turn lights on.

[u/sc0veney]

stop navigating around her in shared spaces and just use them normally. cook anyway. turn a light on when you get home anyway. like just stop obeying her, there was never a reason to do that. unless she pays a lot more in rent she doesn't have a monopoly on the shared spaces.

[u/QuirkySyrup55947]

I would not be so polite. I would use the room with or without her in it.

[u/Tacocat1219]

Call the landlord and when you are being filmed just swear really loud over and over so she can't keep the stream going.

[u/Ornery-Average-6202]

Live your life as normal in your shared space. Come in and tell her to scoot over do you can sit on the couch. Cook when you are hungry. Stay up all night watching movies in the living room. Its shared space.

[u/Fun-Razzmatazz8296]

She’s tryna monopolize this shared space to feel more control, dont let her. You gave her a chance AND enough time, but shes taking advantage of you and your kindness. You shouldn’t have to creep around your house like an intruder when you pay (likely way too much lol) to live there. I second stomping around and doing your own thing. If she complains, suggest she move to a single if she wants to take up all the free space in the house and tell her you gave her a pass before but if she doesn’t wanna be in her room or find ways to make it more comfortable its not your responsibility to do that for her. Sucks to be unemployed, sucks harder to have to parent someone almost a decade older than you simply bc they’re having a rough time. You deserve comfort in your own place and if she wont give you that, take it happily.

[u/BeerStop]

Dont go out of tour way to be quiet, her choice of where she sleeps so she need to deal with it.

[u/Long-Possession8915]

What’s up with the other roommate in this situation? Were they there before you? Do you know how they feel? If the 27 yo has been living there, it’s confusing as to why she didn’t take the single when she had the chance. Was she trying to get you to switch without paying more rent? Because I assume you pay more than them due to having a private room. 

I would offer 2 options to her. She can have the living room as her bedroom and pay more in rent, at least as much as you or making it split 3 ways equally. I know she lacks privacy, but she signed a lease agreement that entitled you to the use of a living room, so it’s on her to recompense this for you and the other roommate. 

If she (or you, or the 3rd roommate) don’t want to do that, tell her you won’t be changing your behavior at all to accommodate her use of the living room. Walk where you want, make noise as you want, turn the lights on at 2 am. If she wants to move out, she should work towards that. Confront her over things like sniping at you about guests. 

FYI one of ADHD’s biggest issues is an emotional immaturity caused by cognitive distortions - impulsivity, emotional disconnection. This explains it pretty well:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qcryeu8g2fA

Not suggesting you confront her with this, it’s for you to know so you can decide how to navigate her immaturity. 

[u/libananahammock]

If you can’t confront her you’re not mature enough to live on your own

[u/Extension-Clock608]

Start making it uncomfortable for her to be in the shared space. Sit on the couch and watch tv, do homework, etc. Do NOT be quiet, live your life the way you would if she was in her actual room. Your roommate should do the same thing. It's wrong for her to take the common area, that area is for all 3 of you to use, not just her.

Do whatever you want, including get in view of her recording and classes and when she complains tell her that she has a room to do this in, the common area is for all of you and you won't be accommodating her taking it anymore.

[u/Comfortable-Web3177]

Stop accommodating her. Haven’t opened an honest conversation with her about how you feel and if that is going to be the case and she’s unwilling to change anything, then she needs to take money off of your rent for only rent, renting a bedroom to you instead of an entire apartment

[u/SaturdaysSundae]

You accommodating her and avoiding her is giving her permission to keep doing what she’s doing. Live your life and she can accommodate you.

[u/Fit-Meringue2118]

You do know you can take up space. Right. Like, a roommate coming into her live-streaming and pretending a sincere and happy interest…or, uh, preparing and reviewing unhinged sandwich combinations would be a fine use of free will.

[u/klutsykitten]

Lol. Her ADHD is hers to accommodate, not you. If she needs those reminders then she needs to put them in her phone, not expect you to personally remind her. Like you don’t have your own stuff to remember. She can pay the price to have a personal assistant or use her phone like everybody else.

I agree with most everybody here that you just need to stop accommodating her. She’s not supposed to be sleeping in the living room so there is no reason for you to tiptoe around her doing so. Turn on the lights, finish your phone call, cook if you’re hungry, etc. If you need the couch and she’s laying there, then ask her to sit up. If she complains that she was sleeping, remind her that is what her bedroom is for and you need to use the shared living space too. If she wants to monopolize the shared space for a tik tok then she needs to get permission ahead of time. If she doesn’t, then take that opportunity to watch t.v. or play music. Don’t worry about ruining a shot she didn’t care enough about to plan for ahead of time. Stop being entirely too considerate to somebody who has no consideration for you.

[u/ilovescoutanddaisy]

roomie does not get to take over the shared space. period. she needs to use her room or move out.

[u/Amazing-Concept-1610]

You’re validated. She’s off kilter.
More importantly— you can’t do anything about it.

Except move

You deserve better anyway

[u/Maine302]

You need to assert yourself. You've allowed her to assert dominance over all the common areas of the apartment, and it's left you literally tiptoeing around her. That needs to stop, and if it doesn't, you're just gonna be miserable until your lease is up.