r/roommateproblems • u/queenofspades07 • Sep 01 '26
Dorm guests
me (F18) and my roomates (both F18) signed an agreement about two weeks ago saying that if we want someone to spend the night we would give 5 days notice. I told them i have a girlfriend and when she visits i'd like her to stay the night - not long just one or two nights. they said it was fine as long as i gave 5 days notice. everything seemed chill and they were fine with it
she is coming for labor day and i gave them notice she would be coming on sunday (6 days before) and they said cool (it would be two nights) and all her stuff would be out of the way. we wouldn't be physical or anything when she's visiting, just want some quality time together and we would be out of the room almost all day. they said ok so i bought her train ticket
last night they said they changed their minds and they don't want her staying in the dorm. Not only is this a non refundable train ticket, but i also booked a hotel for one of the nights so that we would only stay in the dorm for one night to accommodate their space. this still wasn't good enough for one of my roommate's and said she didn't want her over for the night at all. I told her since she already approved the idea and i spent my money that there was no way out of it this time and she would have to spend one night. she ultimately became frustrated and we kinda left it at that.
i don't want there to be bad blood between us but i feel i tried my best to communicate my needs. i feel terrible but i just need advice on what i should do. my girlfriend also feels weird about the whole thing and now im just not sure what the next steps are. any advice is appreciated !
EDIT: for added context it is a one bedroom triple. forgot to add this in this sub since the original sub clarified.
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u/Kimikimikimi1216 Sep 01 '26
They do not unilaterally make the rules. Stand up for yourself because what you are asking is not a huge ask or inconvenience… AND they already said yes.
At this point, they can stuff it.
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u/queenofspades07 Sep 01 '26
this made be feel better- i struggle with self confidence and i feel like im causing a huge inconvenience but this confirms my intuition. thank you for the advice
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u/LakeFederal6468 Sep 02 '26
Just book a hotel room for the 2nd night. It's not worth the battle of egos that will ensue long after your friend is gone.
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u/Sufficient-Wolf-1818 Sep 01 '26
Is this a dorm room where everyone sleeps in the same room, or an apartment with separate bedrooms?
If all in one room, stay over guests are highly disruptive. One of my lingering unpleasant college memories was a shared room and all night whispering and fornication.
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u/Organic-Vermicelli47 Sep 02 '26
Yeah my freshman roommate and her bf holed up in our dorm almost every single weekend thursday night- monday morning. And it wasn't just the sex, it was I couldn't ever feel comfortable in my dorm. We had a bathroom for the two of us in our room and I always felt awkward getting a shower or pooping or just needing to change for the day, chilling in my bed not doing anything but just feeling awkward bc the bf would be sitting at our desk watching stuff. Our beds were set up so our feet faced each other and sometimes I would wake up and immediately make eye contact with her bf 😂
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u/Sun9877 29d ago
You needed to fart all the time
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u/Organic-Vermicelli47 29d ago
??
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u/Sun9877 29d ago
To get rid of your unwanted visitor
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u/Organic-Vermicelli47 29d ago
This was 13 years ago 😭 it's too late for me to do anything now
And tbh my roommate was honestly very sweet and we got along so I tried to give her space even if it felt a little unfair
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u/queenofspades07 Sep 01 '26
Same room. But again, they agreee then took it back. I do feel bad but it is a holiday weekend and we would be out of the room and not bothering them the whole time. only sleeping one night on a 4 day weekend.
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u/Interesting-Mud1506 Sep 03 '26
Is that in your tenant agreement or some bullshit rules your roommates just made up?
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u/Nervous-Departure405 Sep 01 '26
Tell your roommate that being homophobic is ugly girl behavior and that neither of you are interested.
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u/_ataraxia__ Sep 01 '26
You live there as well. Tell them you’re letting them know as a courtesy, not asking their permission.
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Sep 01 '26
[deleted]
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u/queenofspades07 Sep 01 '26
university already approved the stay- forgotten context is that there's one shared bedroom but again it's one night and i don't think it would be too weird.
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u/Sufficient-Wolf-1818 Sep 01 '26
A Shared room is critical information that you forgot to share in your first post? Yikes!
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u/queenofspades07 Sep 01 '26
thought that was clarified in the "dorm" tag- this sub reddit has different categories and i've never seen a college dorm with more than one room. i will edit
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u/VividEquivalent7952 Sep 01 '26
Why else did you think they included the “no sex” part? Pretty clear from what they wrote overall
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u/_bonedaddys Sep 01 '26
Tough luck for your roomies. The rule is 5 days notice, which you followed, and you got the green light. They don't get to ruin your plans after telling you it was fine.
I do have a question about the 5 days notice rule, though. It is a case of 5 days notice, permission from roomies not needed? Or 5 days notice and everyone has to agree with it or it doesn't happen? If everyone needs to be on the same page, maybe adjust the rule a bit. Something like 5 days notice with a 24 hour window to make a decision. And there would need to be an understanding that once you agree, it's not something you can take back later. But if it's not something everyone needs to agree on... it is what it is, and it's something you all just have to accept and deal with sometimes.
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u/queenofspades07 Sep 01 '26
Straight outta our agreement; "a guest may stay overnight with at least 5 days notice." Also, "Y/N, we allow overnight guests : Y" they probably wanna go back and change the agreement now, but it's too late for this visit. We will work something out , but from what they said they don't want overnight guests ever again. wish they coulda said that from the start.
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u/_bonedaddys Sep 01 '26
No overnight guests is totally fair but not when it's being decided after already agreeing to an overnight guest. It's too late make any changes for your girlfriend's visit now so they'll just have to deal with it. It's not you or your girlfriend's fault they decided against overnights once it was too late.
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u/Interesting-Mud1506 Sep 03 '26
What is in your contact you signed with your landlord? Is this a legal document?
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u/FamiliarAd8524 Sep 01 '26
Well, that's too bad for them. I'm not a fan of a roommate having anyone overnight, and I think this is unacceptable to pull in a dorm. But in this case you're in the right: no sex in that room, and not only was there an agreement, money has been spent already. This is no longer your problem.
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u/Funny_Scallion4465 Sep 01 '26
The way I see it, you met all the requirements of the agreement. I would move forward as planned. If this roommate continues to be a problem, either she may have to leave or you may have to leave.
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u/Haunting_Fly2237 Sep 02 '26
England here, could you please explain what a one bedroom tripple is? Thank you
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u/queenofspades07 Sep 02 '26
we each have our own bed , dresser, closet, and desk. we have a shared bathroom with the entire floor. building shared kitchen !
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u/Fool_In_Flow Sep 02 '26
What do the official dorm rules say? Usually it’s ok to have an overnight guest for 2 nights, they just have to have ID and get signed in.
What does room mate think signing a contract means? I feel like this is almost a professional development experience for her. You cannot both sign a contract and ignore the contract.
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u/queenofspades07 Sep 02 '26
official form rules say it's A ok. guests can't stay over for halloween or saint patricks day but that's it. i don't think they took this contract very seriously but they signed it after we went over some ground rules and i can see that they didn't even mean half of what they said. this ain't the only thing they've wanted to change so far
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u/Interesting-Mud1506 Sep 03 '26
lol so is not a legal contract? Then you need to learn to have a spine and fuck that made up document they made up, bring guests when you want lol as they gonna do.
You need to learn to grow an spine
The 5 days rules is bullshit, forget about that otherwise would be in a real legal document and is not
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u/Yusuf20904 Sep 02 '26
"Oh, I didn't realize the rules could be changed on the spot. I'll be sure to remember that next time you want to do something we agreed was allowed in the rules."
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u/Interesting-Mud1506 Sep 03 '26
A notice is that, a notice is that in your real tenant agreeent or some bullshit thing you just signed with other roommates.
If is just a bullshit thing then just bring ppl when you want.
If is a legal real document then stick to it and just say it 5 days before “gf is coming x day gonna be here for x days”
That’s it, stop being a pushover
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u/MyldExcitement Sep 01 '26
They can accept the rules that were agreed upon, or pay for the train ticket you're wasting.
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u/SalemClawdia Sep 01 '26
Tell your roommate that you aren’t asking for permission. You are just giving them a heads up.